A framework to practice - practicum complete

Here we are. My final offering within the container of this practicum, yet certainly not the end of this work. As I close this chapter I do so with gratitude, humility and a deep desire to continue this journey of learning and exploration. Before I settle into a pause for rest, I felt a surge of creative energy move through me after my presentation this morning which has resulted in this blog post. Below is a bit of a summary, new thoughts and connections weaving in, and a prelude to the recording attached at the end of this post. 

Within the Hermetic tradition (dated between 200 - 500 BCE), an occult sect of spiritual seekers and alchemists, one of their core principles, according to the text The Kybalion (Atkinson, 1908), is referred to as the law of correspondence. Aptly described as “as within, so without, as above, so below, as the Universe, so the soul” (Atkinson, 1908). In other words, due to the interconnected and fractal nature of existence, everything is a reflection of what it is connected to. I first read The Kybalion ten years ago and I immediately felt alignment with much of the philosophical structure it illuminated regarding how to perceive life. This is what sparked my rabbit hole exploration and initiation into rhythm, nondualism, vibration and sound healing.

I heard and felt similar teachings and supportive practices as I moved into the world of yoga. There are several prominent ancient yogic texts and I found myself most drawn to The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali (dated between 200 CE to 500 BCE). Translated from sanskrit by Swami Satchidananda (2014), I continue to revisit and reframe these teachings as my experience and understanding of yoga deepens. Patanjali refers to the practice and the state of yoga being in the now, and liberation is achieved when we recognize how to quiet the fluctuations of our mind and see/be the true self shining steadily beneath, which is the reflection of source or Brahman within each one of us. When we learn how to release ourselves from the shackles of our own perceptions and thinking, we have a template for liberation in the outer world. I find this translation to be a beautiful illustrative example of ancient wisdom that we are continuing to learn how to emulate. 

Most recently, in the webinar series I have spoken about many times now featuring Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021), he mentions “as within, so without” as a wisdom teaching within the Lakota culture, represented by the symbol X. As my affinity for symbols has increased exponentially over these past few weeks, I am now enjoying the play with X and the clear depiction of the V reflecting its inverted shape below it. 

As someone who is fascinated with ‘change,’ and how to be the most effective, efficient and expansive change-maker, I am more clear on a few steps because of the exploration I have been on during this practicum project. I have been a long-time advocate of the belief that the change we seek externally begins on the inside (i.e., “be the change you wish to see in the world” Mahatma Gandhi). I now understand that when it comes to things like white supremacy culture and racism, these are embedded into our systems like a virus (Menakem, 2021) and conditioned into our psyches in ways that many of us don’t see. In order to deconstruct this, we must be ready to meet the “colonial shattering of identity” that is being fiercely protected at the subconscious level (Drichel, 2013; p. 49). This is not easy work.

This requires us to understand the history of colonialism and white supremacy culture and the various ways we continually recreate this box we live within (Ghosthorse, 2021). Again, as Audre Lorde (1984) reminds us, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” When we see the tools we are wielding to continually recreate domination, othering, disconnection and division (Okun, 2023), we then need a ritual that will help us put those tools down and practice reconstructing with tools of heart-centeredness (hence, the framework). 

I share in this recorded presentation a few questions you can use to support the process of questioning what we perceive with justifications like “this is just the way it is.” These questions come from the work of the Bias Free Framework (Eichler & Burke, 2006), as they point out three three major forms of bias that intersect and perpetuate bias when we are unaware of them. I re-worked these “red flags” into questions so that they are (potentially) more tangible reminders that we can work with. 

  • Am I maintaining hierarchy and status quo?

  • Can I notice, shift and examine multiple perspectives?

  • Am I using dualistic language or comparison that is inherently exclusive or uses “power over”?

Massive change is possible, and what these, and many other, wisdom teachings are pointing us towards is to take responsibility for our inner-world/work so that we can begin to reflect a new way of engaging and being together in the outer world. If everything is relationships (Wilson, 2019) as many Indigenous teachings guide us to recognize, then the way we become agents of change is through the pathway of our inner-work. When we change the way we relate with ourselves, this changes how we relate with others, which reflects outwards and influences everything we are connected to (which is everything). While we might see the change needed out in the world, what we have intimate access to change is what is happening on the inside, and that is where we must begin. It is certainly not where we end though, as the path of change requires that we engage in the world and practice new ways of relating and creating. 

This framework I have co-created through practice, inspiring conversations and the insights garnered from other creators in this field, is structured to settle the chaos of activation. It is a supportive energetic field to meet ourselves with an open and infinitely stable heart-centeredness so we can engage in the world from and with heart-centeredness. It is meant to be flexible and adaptive as there are innumerable situations that it could be used, yet it leads to the same way of being relational, heart-centered, and ready to improvise, connect and collaborate in presence. 

Important to note here, this is a framework for ally’s who are interested in doing the intrapersonal and interpersonal work to deconstruct bias and colonial consciousness in an effort to be a part of deconstructing systemic racism and colonial tenets that are foundational in our culture. As my practicum supervisor reminded me last week, when someone has arrows pointed at them or are the target of the oppressive and harmful rhetoric and behavior, as ally’s it is not our place to be the “tone police” or tell them how they could regulate themselves better (Harcourt, 2024, personal conversation). This is a framework for you to choose to explore and practice, and not something to impose onto others. 

I will allow the recording of my final presentation to do the rest of the talking for this post. 

Thank you for your attention and willingness to join me on this journey. I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas and experiences that have arisen from this work. 

Presentation Slides



References (for blog post)

Atkinson, W. W. (1908). The kybalion: A study of the Hermetic philosophy of Ancient Egypt and Greece. A.F. Seward & Co. 

Bronstein, E. (2024). Learn with Einat Bronstein. IFS Learning Hub. Retrieved February 2024, from https://learn.ifs-institute.com/programs/values-and-beliefs-in-the-therapy-room/modules/february-2024-lorem-ipsum/lesson/watch-learn-with-einat-bronstein/.

Drichel, S. (2013). Towards a “radical acceptance of vulnerability”: Postcolonialism and deconstruction. SubStance, 42(3), 46–66. https://doi.org/10.1353/sub.2013.0034 

Eichler, M., & Burke, M. A. (2006). The Bias Free Framework. Canadian Journal of Public Health, 97(1), 63–68. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf03405218

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979).

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/

Patañjali. (2014). The yoga sutras of patanjali (S. Satchidananda, Trans.). Integral Yoga Publications. 

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.





A path forward with chaos and rigidity - Week 12 of my practicum

My protective mechanisms have been strong this week. It feels like resistance to sit down and work on this blog, it feels like an anxious undertone that makes me uncomfortable in stillness, it feels like fear of not being enough, and it shows up with waves of brain fog and confusion when I start to think my way through what is causing this inner turmoil. All of which lead towards a strong push/pull towards dissociation and shutdown. 

I am not surprised that I have been feeling this resistance, as the content of this blog post has brought me closer to parts of myself that prefer to remain unseen and unchecked. And as I near the end of this practicum, I am also feeling some internal pressure to finish this in a way that includes all the threads and loose ends that have surfaced or have been dropped along the way and weave them together in a coherent, flexible, considerate, and inspiring formation. While this desire to finish well makes sense and is welcome, I notice it has more intensity and fear in it since my system is already tipped towards activation and resistance (i.e. more danger signals than safety signals).

With that initial context laid out, as I sit here this morning, preparing myself to move back in towards what has become rattled, ready to read through my notes and formulate a coherent blog post, I feel proud of my patience and how compassionate and gentle I have been with myself this week. I have learned to trust the rhythm of my nervous system, my persistence in this work, and the importance of welcoming and nurturing what arises. That is how my system receives the safety signals it needs so that I can regulate after being dysregulated and either take action to repair what has been ruptured and/or go deeper into my psyche in a warm and welcoming way. 

Another important piece I am compelled to share is that I am astutely aware of the important guardrail in this work that has been spoken by many equity deserving groups, which states: “nothing about us without ut.” I have been grappling with this as I recognize that the inner work I have been showcasing centers myself often, and is micro level work, which is valid and important yet certainly not sufficient nor complete. The framework I am working towards sharing is also not complete without authentic relationships with equity deserving groups in pursuit of mezzo and macro change. As I approach the end of this practicum, and sit with what I am learning, how I am feeling, and how to weave it all together in a way that fosters structure yet honors space for continued growth and exploration, I acknowledge that this work is not done, and in many ways this is just the beginning. 

With that said, in these final couple of weeks, I see value in suggesting a framework or map that reduces cognitive load while practicing the habit of noticing bias or the protective impulses that surface during conversations that include oppression, privilege, race and the multitude of ways that colonial consciousness has impacted our internal and external systems to compare, judge, ignore and vilify the “other.” More specifically, how to stay or cultivate grounding and nervous system regulation in otherwise activating situations or conversations, so that understanding and connection can be prioritized (internally and externally). Noting the complexity of this content and of the human psyche at the individual and collective level, I recognize that seeking a simple framework needs to also include and honor this complexity, as there is no such thing as “one size fits all.” This led me to the dance between rigidity and chaos. 

Rigidity and Chaos

I was reminded this week of a non-dual contemplation that is quite supportive when engaging in the work of creating new habits, seeing self more clearly (with radical inclusivity), and practicing harmony and alignment as a way of being, and that is the inclusion and balance of chaos and rigidity. Too much rigidity (i.e. structure, rules, containment, expectations, etc.) leads to atrophy as it holds tight to what is without the important input that comes from surrender, spontaneity, play and openness to novelty. On the other end of that spectrum, too much chaos (i.e. uncertainty, erratic energy, disorder, etc.) is exhausting and de-stabilizing, as we need some structure and predictability (occasionally) to organize and make sense of our experience, providing form for the performance of presence as living and breathing energy. However, the ideal is that these two seemingly opposites merge and dance together in balance so that a third entity of harmony and creative congruence emerges. 

As an example of chaos and rigidity balancing in complex systems, neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett (2020) describes the evolution of the brain as a process that included continuous re-organization as it became larger and more complex over time. This reorganization process is one of “segmenting and then integrating” to become better equipped for the complex job it is required to do (Barrett, 2020, p. 19). I hear the echo in Daniel Siegel’s (2017) work that I highlighted in my previous post regarding integration being a process of differentiating and then linking. 

Barrett (2020) uses an analogy in her work describing the brain as a complex network of airports, with some airports being small and supporting local traffic, while other airports serve as international hubs with the capacity for large and diverse amounts of traffic and connections. If we consider the path of an airplane to be an impulse of communication along a neuron, impacted in various ways by neurotransmitters and neuromodulators as the weather and traffic control staff, we can imagine the far-reaching impacts of weather changes, re-routing, familiarity or novelty in a travel path, as well as some airplanes travel short distances only and some “reach far across the brain and act as long-distance connections” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34). 

A major hub for communication input and output is both immensely efficient as well as a potent spot of vulnerability, which is not a problem when this network is dynamic, adaptive, and continuously in flux (or under construction) in various ways (Barrett, 2020). When there is space, expectation and allowance for chaos, the rigidity of the structure is required to be more flexible and agile. Some changes happen fast, instantaneously, with the support of neurotransmitters and neuromodulators, while others are slow, by way of brain plasticity “and the flexibility of neurons with multiple jobs” (Barrett, 2020, p. 39). 

“Brain hubs, like airport hubs, make a complicated system efficient. They allow most neurons to participate globally even as they focus more locally. Hubs form the backbone of communication throughout the brain” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34).

What I am finding interesting and helpful in this metaphor is the depiction of the most complex network we know of - the human brain - and the clear inclusion of both rigidity (i.e. structure, neural networks/hubs) and chaos (i.e., constant change, adaptability). This also provides some solace for me while I am in this process of intentionally deconstructing multiple flight paths and hubs in my brain, and unless there is some structure to support the re-routed path, it will revert back to where there is structure and support available. With that visual of how change works, I find it easier to access patience, repetition and persistence. 

The framework is still under construction, and will be shared in my next blog post. In the meantime, I will pave the way there with a story of my recent experience in a hot-topic conversation related to oppression and “othering” and offer space for you to practice pieces of what will be included in framework along the way.

What Happened

This past weekend, I was in the kitchen puttering around getting ready to leave for the afternoon, and I heard my brother in another room ask my partner what he thought about the trans folks in sport conversation happening in the cultural lexicon right now. I felt my ears perk up, my temperature increase slightly, and I impulsively inserted myself into this conversation spouting off what I think about this balance between inclusion and fairness as I strolled into the room they were sitting in. The way I was responding (to this question that was not asked of me) had a lot of the “power over” energy, which I am hyper-aware of at this point based on the past several weeks of deconstructing this within myself. I was fired up. When my soap-box had a pause in it, my partner stepped in to share what he thought of the situation. I heard a narrowed-scope in his perspective that centered on the current status-quo of sports, that in my opinion, lacked empathy and compassion towards trans people in general. My temperature rose further, my eyes tightened and narrowed on my “prey”, and I jumped back in to “educate” him on how that common narrative he was perpetuating is harmful and not complex enough for this complex situation. My partner reminded me at that point that this was not a conversation that I had been invited into, and I became much more aware that my tactic to convince and educate was a perfect example of how not to engage in hot topics like this one.

My brother then turned towards me and asked my opinion on the topic. Feeling his calm curiosity I accessed mine with much more ease, as I said the ideal situation would be one that allowed a case by case discussion and openness to inclusion rather than a blanketed decision either way. I then said that perhaps the sport needs to evolve so that we can re-imagine what inclusion and fairness looks like. And in reflection afterwards I also recognized that this conversation was missing the important and necessary perspective of those intimately involved and impacted, and as bystanders expressing our personal opinions we were centering ourselves, once again, in an arena that requires a centering of those with the arrows pointed at them. 

I apologized for being so dominating and became curious about that encounter as a point of reflection for me to examine, practice and repeat how I could have engaged differently to create a conversation that could have gone deeper and actually led to more understanding. 

As I have shared in previous posts, my intention of discerning between “power over” and “right use of power” has led me to a few key reminders that I am in the process of reviewing and repeating so that I have access to them when I need them most. I recognize that in moments that I am triggered and my reaction has the energy of “power over” in it, I have a choice to slow down and access patience as I remember that “power over” signifies stuck energy. If I can be curious and elevate safety signals, I can open and trust the intelligence within and the space shifts into one that offers connection and healing. In my many years of consciously curating change within myself, I know that being aware enough to observe my impulsive reactions is vital, and then I must access a framework or step by step process that will help me make a new decision or respond in a way I have not responded before, and that’s when my habits truly start to change. In other words, I need a new route for this airplane to travel and maybe even a new hub for connections, and this requires some major deconstruction and construction. 

Safety Signals 

At the level of the nervous system, in order for connection to happen or to remain in connection, which is where change is possible, there must be a critical mass of safety signals present (Dana, 2021). Safety signals are being detected subconsciously through pathways that are constantly appraising the internal and external environment, including the space between or quality of relationships (Dana, 2021). As soon as the critical mass of signals lean towards danger (regardless of the objective validity of that appraisal) our nervous system is wired to narrow our perspective, seek safety and get away from danger, and enact thoughts and behaviors that have “worked” in the past, regardless of whether they are healthy or objectively productive (Dana, 2021). What tips someone towards a critical mass of danger signals is subjective, depending on their current tolerance and resilience, which fluctuates, as well as their past experience(s) (Dana, 2021). 

Let’s use my scenario from the weekend as another example. When I was in the kitchen and overheard a question being asked, I immediately shifted into a hyper-aroused state (teetering towards a critical mass of danger signals) that narrowed my perspective and brought me into a defensive stance that included the energy of “power over.” How do I know this? Although I was not fully conscious of this at the time, it is easy for me to reflect and see that I did not feel curious about what my partner’s response would be, instead I had a one-track mind that said I must insert my opinion here and ensure that this conversation is led by what I have to say. There is no space for a conversation with that mindset. Naturally, with my energy coming in hot like that, my partner was also put into a defensive stance, and very quickly I was ejected from the conversation.

A fascinating aspect of this phenomena is that depending on the current levels of safety and/or danger being detected, that will also influence the way the current moment, and the stimuli present, is being perceived (Dana, 2021). For example, as I was activated this week I noticed that I had a fairly constant sensation like I was an injured baby bird that required delicate handling. This led to me being more distant and protected, less vulnerable with those around me, and quick to judge others’ comments or actions as disingenuous or too difficult for me to engage with fully. This is not how I always feel, and it was obvious to me that my system was filtering stimuli through a lens that was looking for danger and was ready to engage in behaviors of defensiveness or disengagement.

When there are more danger signals than safety signals present, we tend to repeat the same thoughts we have in the past, shunt energy flow away from the more creative and explorative aspects of brain functioning, close ourselves from connecting with those around us, and engage in defensive and protective behaviors of thought and action (Dana, 2021). Inversely, when there is a critical mass of safety, our nervous system relaxes enough to be open to new information and connection, and most importantly, we access a state where healing can occur (Dana, 2021). 

So, with this in mind, how might I have engaged in this conversation about trans rights and the intersection with sport, fairness and inclusion differently? First, when I heard the question asked as I was in the next room, I could have paused to feel what was shifting inside of me (this elevates safety signals as we would not pause to feel if we were actually in danger), which would have allowed me to notice the stance of “power over” as it emerged. I could have paused with that sensation and met it with a warm welcoming as I breathed slowly, smoothly and rhythmically, with an intent to generate some regulatory energy (which increases safety signals). as a supportive rhythm internally). In this momentary centering of myself and my own nervous system, I then could have reminded myself of my intent to be curious, to seek understanding and connection rather than to convince anyone of my way. With that I could have expanded out to the centerless center (a Buddhist teaching) and the notion that the center is everywhere (as Tioakisin Ghosthorse (2021) shared) as I included others perspectives and experiences with, again, the intent to listen and understand (which is a form of Self-Compassion and more safety signals). The goal in these situations is to cultivate more understanding and model a way of showing up that invites others into connection and perspective shifting without force (which also impacts my ability to remain calm, connected and curious). People can change their minds, but it is not likely to happen or be sustainable if it is done with “power over”, and in any event, we are not deconstructing colonial consciousness and constructing a new way of being and relating if we use the same tactics that got us here (an echo of Audre Lorde’s (1984) declaration). 

As practice, let’s explore this a little further together to see what can transpire with this burgeoning awareness around the qualities to embody in the space between impulsive reaction and heart-centered response. 

Let’s talk about race

I have been exploring a considerable amount of research regarding the root cause and various manifestations of defensive reactions in race-related conversations within the white-bodied population. With understanding we can shift our language to carry more safety signals and invite others (and ourselves) to venture into a terrain that was previously too uncertain and fragile to intentionally step into. 

There are two main protective techniques that have surfaced in my research, which can be categorized as aversion or avoidance and dismissal or denial (Knowles et al., 2014; Menaken, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Norton & Sommers, 2011). Within these categories there are multiple ways these strategies can surface, including a mix of both. If you feel open or curious to do so, take a few moments with the energy of these defensive experiences. 

Aversion or Avoidance 

What arises for you as you consider what that protective strategy feels like or could look like? Could you perhaps close your eyes for a few moments, breathe mindfully, and ask yourself, what does aversion or avoidance feel like and look like in my body? Try it out. 

When I sit with aversion and avoidance, I feel the energy of looking away. I feel a tightening in my body, a pulling up and away from, or a turning my back towards what I am trying not to look at, trying to not let in to my field of vision. I feel a bit like my body is saying it doesn’t have room or capacity to take anything else in, or such discomfort with uncertainty that my body tightens up as if to not allow anything else to enter. 

How about Dismissal or Denial? 

What do you notice with the energy of these words? How are they similar and/or different from aversion and avoidance? Perhaps you could again close your eyes, breathe slowly, rhythmically, calmly, as you sit with how dismissal and denial shows up in your body?

For me, I feel my head want to shake ‘no’ as I pull away, like a shaking off of something that has reached out to me. Or a pushing away as I reach out and disconnect from whatever has touched me. There’s a similar sense of not having the space or capacity to take something on, or in, yet a bit more intensity or tightening as I am rejecting what seems to want to enter into my psyche or field. 

It is important to validate and welcome these impulsive protective reactions, because their intent is protection and they are operating on an old or outdated program that needs loving guidance to release what’s stuck and curate a new way (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). This warm welcoming towards our protective mechanisms begins to elevate safety signals. When we can be curious and welcoming to what we are experiencing internally, we create an environment where energy can continue moving and learning, and conscious choice becomes available. When we resist, vilify, or ignore what we are experiencing, we contribute to danger signals, the energy gets stuck and grows louder, and we remain in a nervous system state that requires protective mechanisms to continue driving our bus (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

What brought me into a place of feeling unable to fully ground myself for a few days this week was the recognition of my protective strategy in race-related conversations, which until recently I had been blind to. On Thursday afternoon I attended an inspiring webinar with special guest Sulyn Bodnaresko. Bodnaresko (2024) presented her doctoral thesis which was the summation of three years of research with Indigenous populations on the topic of how to resist settler colonialism. Her research has not been published yet, so I am mindful to not share too much. However, one of the eight steps she outlined on this quest of resisting settler colonialism was the importance of recognizing if and when we have a move towards comfort or claiming innocence as a protective mechanism. I recognized this immediately as a form of aversion and dismissal, and something that my system deploys as protection. I have been aware of this impulsive reaction within me for a while, but would become blended with it quickly (which makes it difficult to observe it, connect with it, and support it to release what is keeping it stuck) and have felt shame and embarrassment around this part. Yet I also feel grateful to now have the words and understanding to be able to describe what I am feeling and remain with it long enough to continue learning about it, and support it to release and update how it shows up in my system. 

This is a part of me that is so strong that it tends to lead me towards dissociation and shutdown. When I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by the content I am reading or conversing about, this part of me creates some distance by conjuring a state of innocence and a push towards retreating and hiding in comfort. I have come to realize that this is the injured baby bird feeling that believes it is too fragile to continue on or to handle what is here now. I recognize it is an outdated belief, but I still feel it intensely and it still has the power to take over my system, which then leads to a polarization as other parts within me are ashamed and embarrassed that I would retreat into comfort and shelter myself in my perceived innocence.

Now, let’s be clear. I am not saying that I should always be doing more, and I am certainly not trying to label self-care, rest and relaxation as a negative or as if I (or others) are not worthy or deserving of such important aspects of well-being and longevity. In fact, as I felt myself in a tizzy this week I absolutely curated more space for rest, breath, and meditation, and I was mindful to be very compassionate and patient with myself as I observed myself move towards shut down and retreat into the cocoon of my own comfortable existence. Allowing that is what elevates safety signals and guides me back into regulation more efficiently. Seeing this pattern and holding space for it is what will change it. No force or self-flagellation needed. I can trust that my system will continue to re-organize towards further levels of complexity and inclusion, I just need to do the work of seeing myself more clearly and curate practices that move me towards a critical mass of safety so the intelligence within me can do its work as well. 

Feeling this injured baby bird energy within me got me thinking about white fragility in general. I visualized how many white-bodied people are born into this modern world with a blindfold that blocks the reality of race-related oppression and white supremacy culture. Meanwhile, those most negatively impacted by systemic racism and colonialism are not blindfolded to this reality, or rather, they do not have the privilege of being blindfolded in this way. I think the fragility white-bodied people experience comes from this unveiling of what we have been blind to, which exposes our senses to something that we have never spent time developing the ability to process and this creates extreme sensitivity and defensive mechanisms to make it stop. A mix of shock, grief, shame, desire to fix, and immense confusion regarding what to do all makes sense as this reality becomes more clear and we begin (hopefully) the long journey of re-organizing what we had previously thought to be true. 

I often remind myself that without the proper resources and support, my system wisely refuses what could otherwise be really important for it to take in and integrate. We need to feel the space available for new information, we need to feel safe to be vulnerable, to feel discomfort, and open ourselves to a new way of being. Sustainable change does not happen with force, it needs to be collaborative and welcoming. These wise defensive mechanisms work together in creative ways to skirt around the discomfort and protect the underlying wound and the pain of which has not been resourced well enough (yet) to be guided into healing and integration (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Menakem, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). 

If you feel open to another experiment, what happens inside of you when you read the words ‘white privilege’? Can you sit with that for a few moments, invite the concept into your mind and body, perhaps close your eyes and be mindful to continue breathing in a rhythm that supports presence and grounding.  

What’s your reaction to this? Perhaps you recall charged times in the past that you have engaged in this topic of conversation? Perhaps you have a strong stance on this and feel passionate about your experience and perspective? Perhaps you feel some layers; maybe discomfort, some anger, some distraction, some confusion, some shame? Perhaps you notice some of the ‘look away’ energy of aversion or avoidance? Is there push or shake it off energy of dismissal or denial? Perhaps a claim of innocence and a desire to retreat to comfort? Or does the concept flow in with acceptance and curiosity? Maybe it gets stuck or tangled somewhere due to its complex nature? Perhaps distraction or dissociation begins to take over?

Before we move on, if you have the ability to do so, bring your attention to your feet. If they are touching the ground, notice that and maybe push down for a moment and then release. 

Feel your breath, slow, low belly and low ribs expand on the inhale, and everything relaxes on the exhale. Maybe a hum or a sigh on your next exhale. 

You could also take a moment to look around your space, or close your eyes and imagine a scene that feels nurturing and welcoming, looking for details like shapes, colors, shadows. 

Feel your breath and allow your attention to expand with your inhale, and relax with your exhale. Perhaps you can invite in some compassion, patience, curiosity or any other quality that you sense would be supportive for you right now. 

If you feel you have reached your capacity for this conversation today, then choose compassion and honor the wisdom of your body and step away whole-heartedly. Come back when you feel your energy reserves have elevated and you are ready to continue on. Otherwise, let’s explore white privilege a little more. 

There are some common misconceptions about white privilege within the white-bodied community. They are common because we have been blind to them, and they are reinforced by the way our culture keeps us in an activated state, which keeps us prone to feel defensive and unable to take in new or complex ideas. This conversation, and topics of racism, colonialism, and white supremacy culture in general, requires a lot of patience, space to pause and regulate, and patience as we hold space for ourselves and others at different points on this journey of deconstructing, understanding and re-organizing. Here are a few things to consider:

White privilege does not mean white-bodied people inherently have an easier life or that they didn’t have to work hard (and continue to work hard) for the life they have. As Emmanuel Acho (2021) poignantly explains, acknowledging white privilege is simply “saying your skin color hasn’t contributed to the difficulty in your life” (p. 33). Understanding the impacts of any ism, as a person who is not categorized within that particular ism, requires stepping out of one’s own experience to listen, learn and imagine what it might feel like to be in a body that is objectified as that ism

This is such an important part of the conversation of white privilege. When white privilege comes up, many white folks express feeling unseen or invalidated in their own struggles (Miller & Josephs, 2009). When our nervous system is activated in defense, our thinking and perspective naturally narrows, and this makes it hard to see outside our own experience. It keeps us in a dualistic way of thinking, a form of separation. When we talk about the pain and systemic disadvantage imposed on racialized folks, that does not mean that anyone else’s pain is seen as less painful or less meaningful. There is space for all of our pain. What is being asked of us is to allow others to be centered occasionally in the cultural lexicon so we can hold space for those who are not receiving an equitable amount of consideration and understanding. In order for these conversations to amplify all-ship and deconstruct colonialism, it is vital that these conversations are framed so as to not threaten one’s concept of deservedness, and this requires we do not equate the reality of white privilege with personal merit (Knowles et al., 2014). Again, the wise words of Emmanuel Acho (2021): 

“What I’m saying is that a white person’s skin color isn’t the thing contributing to holding them back, and that for all black people, their skin color contributes to what’s hard about their lives no matter what other privileges they might enjoy” (p. 37). 

Knowing this is one thing, creating and holding a safe space for these conversations and welcoming the momentary defensive triggers as they naturally deploy is a skill that we need to practice. As I have mentioned previously, when I feel the defensive stance of “power over” in someone else or instability in my own system, my impulsive reaction is to also engage in “power over”. This is a difficult habit to change, and one that requires consistent presence and practice, as I feel that reaction and choose to pause, breathe, turn towards what feels upset in my system, and remind myself I have a choice here that can lead to deeper connection and understanding. 

We need to cultivate the ability to feel our own difficult feelings, as well as allow others the space for their difficult feelings to arise, and remain present to feel and be with these parts of us floundering in discomfort rather than avoid them or seek quick resolution by projecting onto others (Knowles et al., 2014; Menakem, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

We covered a lot this week. Pause, breathe and feel what is arising for you. What if you allowed it, welcomed it, and breathed with it for a few moments? Notice what happens. 



References

Acho, E. (2021). Uncomfortable conversations with a black man. Flatiron Books. 

Barrett, L. F. (2020). Seven and a half lessons about the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Bodnaresko, S. (March, 2024). Reciprocal citizenship: How one settler is learning to give thanks for the gift of living on these lands. The Newcomer Knowledge Hub

Bronstein, E., Henriques, A., Hull, T., & Rothman, A. (Hosts). (2023, October 29). Exiles and the healing process with Einat Bronstein [Audio podcast episode]. IFS talks: An internal family systems therapy podcast. Apple Podcast. 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/exiles-and-the-healing-process-with-einat-bronstei

n/id1481000501?i=1000633021353

Dana, D. (2021). Anchored: How to befriend your nervous system using polyvagal theory. Sounds True. 

Eichler, M., & Burke, M. A. (2006). The Bias Free Framework. Canadian Journal of Public Health, 97(1), 63–68. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf03405218

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Knowles, E. D., Lowery, B. S., Chow, R. M., & Unzueta, M. M. (2014). Deny, distance, or dismantle? How white Americans manage a privileged identity. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(6), 594–609. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614554658

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Miller, A. E., & Josephs, L. (2009). Whiteness as pathological narcissism. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45(1), 93–119. https://doi.org/10.1080/00107530.2009.10745989

Norton, M. I., & Sommers, S. R. (2011). Whites see racism as a zero-sum game that they are 

now losing. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(3), 215–218. 

https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691611406922

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford 

Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company. 





Story-telling with Symbols - Week 11 of my practicum

Above is the recorded version of the blog post below, which includes a couple of guided experiences that are not included in the write-up. Enjoy.

A good place for us to start is to create a clear understanding of the context of this project and some insight into why we start here with the spiral. 

This project began with inspiration from the work of Resmaa Menakem (2021) who opened my mind to the possibility that racism and the legacy of colonialism resides in the bodymind like a virus. Rather than pointing outwards to solve these systemic issues, I wanted to explore and experiment with what it looks like to turn inwards and begin the deconstruction of colonization from the inside out. 

As we move through this presentation together, and I share about my experience doing this work, let’s be in the practice of noticing our reactions or impulse to defend, blame, or point our finger outwards, and instead, remind ourselves to turn that finger back in and spiral inwards to be with what is arising, as the first step (not only step!) needs to be taking responsibility for the change we desire from the inside out.

Symbols

In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Renee Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).

Throughout this journey I had a few potent symbols arise for me that became both intriguing features for reflection and exploration, as well as anchors at times that I felt lost or destabilized. As a practice of bridging Indigenous methodologies with Western academia, I have chosen to outline this presentation as a story told through symbols. I will share parts of my process as I approached my own psyche to begin deconstructing colonial consciousness by re-centering my heart, and how that led me to discern the significance between of discerning between "power over" and "right use of power".

Land Acknowledgement

As a heterosexual, able-bodied, neurodivergent, cisgender female, and fourth generation Canadian with English and Irish heritage, I am aware that I am a settler on this land I call home in Calgary Alberta, and, in many ways I have unjustly benefited from the devastation and harm of colonization. While I am in the process of deconstructing colonial consciousness within myself, I have come to see colonial history as causing a legacy of separation from the Earth, which is reflected as a separation from self. And from that heightened awareness I have a deeper reverence and understanding of the medicine that is the land beneath me, around me, and within me. 

I am grateful to feel peace and connection on this traditional land of the Blackfoot confederacy, the Metis Nation Districts 5 and 6, and the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta. Which consists of Siksika, Kainai, Piikani, the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, including Chiniki, Bearspaw, and Goodstoney First Nation.

Take a moment to feel and reflect on the land you call home and the areas you feel connected with, or would like to foster a connection with.

Ouroboros

The snake eating its tail (also known as the Ouroboros (Geller, 2018) provides a bit more context for the beginning phase of my project. 

To deconstruct colonial consciousness, one must be prepared for, and develop trust in, renewal or death and rebirth. A continual letting go of what was and a welcoming of what is here now. 

Referring to the work of Micheal Naas, Drichel (2013) denotes that deconstruction is always referring to the self or autos, and as such, he goes on to say, 

“deconstruction cannot but rekindle latent memories of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all cost” (p. 49).

Additionally, this symbol reminds me that we are multifaceted and multidimensional beings and we attract and reflect what is already within us. As we develop the skill of observing ourselves intently in the process of deconstructing, de-centering and re-centering, this symbol came to symbolize the importance of welcoming and holding space for the occasional vortex of confusion I would find myself in. 

Lastly, this symbol also captures the ongoing process of colonization being something that is continually recreated, and until that cycle can be seen, understood and disrupted, it will continue.

Professional/Personal Orientation

It is vital that we practice shifting our perspective from the individual, or micro, to the collective of the mezzo and macro. Just as a wave is in motion, it rises and rests, in a continuous pulse like the breath. 

Colonization ravaged the world as settlers arrived in spaces inhabited by Indigenous peoples, to then meticulously and violently separate them from their land, their spiritual rituals and traditions, and often pitted against each other as the fight for power, privilege and freedom served to divide and conquer (Menakem, 2021). The legacy of supremacy lives within us and is sustained through our systems, our language (Ghosthorse, 2021), and our continued indoctrination of separation and othering in white supremacy culture (Okun, 2023). From the lens of my personal and professional orientation, I recognize the need to balance micro and macro as “social problems require complex and sustained intervention at all levels of social work practice” (Rothman & Mizrahi, 2014, p. 91). 

Expressing the sentiment of Paulo Friere in The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Audre Lorde (1984) emphasizes that, 

“the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships” (p. 6). 

Resmaa Menakem (2021) expands on this by stating that individual work is vital as healing from intergenerational and present day acts of violence and domination must begin with your body. He continues, 

“​But it does not end there. In order to heal the collective body that is America, we also need social activism that is body centered. We cannot individualize our way out of white-body supremacy. Nor can we merely strategize our way out. We need collective action — action that heals.”

Researcher and Educator, Kimberly Todd (2019) writes,

“Decolonizing needs to begin first internally in the mind, the body and the spirit and then move outward to transform existing colonial structures” (p. 164).

Activist and Buddhist Minister Lama Rod Owens (2023) writes,

“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (p. 55).

Case Description

As for my own individual liberation, one of the parts of my psyche I was curious to explore and get to know more in this project appeared to me as a “black hole.” Coinciding with the black hole was an intense internal flail, as if a part of me was free-falling in that black hole, which would leave me in a place of feeling overwhelmed and ungrounded. 

My theory was that this “black hole” and the "inner flailer" (as I had come to call her) was the legacy of the wound Drichel (2013) refers to as “a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself" p. 40.

Drichel (2013) continues to describe how the recurrence of this violent separation is "being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all costs.” (p. 49)

I could sense this lingering vulnerability, and this immense sense of separation, but I was not clear on how the anxious defense was showing up in my system - other than the strong impulse to be distracted when I tried to move inwards to be with this constellation of parts on my own. 

During Week 7 of practicum I had the support I needed for this inner journey with a craniosacral session and conscious breathwork session. My main intention was to explore “power over” versus “right use of power”. 

I detailed these experiences in depth in my week 7 blog, so here I will simply point out some highlights and what has become more clear in my integration process. 

The infinity loop surfaced early in my first experience on that fruitful day of receiving support. I saw it as a continuity between present and past. Rather than time being linear, I felt and saw how updates in presence can reframe and influence the past, and when we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present. 

As I welcomed and held space for the black hole, it shapeshifted into a fluid, sticky-web or tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped with “power over” energy as a protective mechanism, by this black goo. I realized that when I felt the similar energy of separation, I would quickly sense that flail and the "power over" energy trying to contain and protect me from feeling this, and I would then react by wielding power over as a reflection of what is happening internally. 

As I felt awe and understanding of this reactive loop, I sat curiously with this protective webby-tar with the question of what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect me from feeling this flail or wound of separation, and I sensed it shapeshift again into an intelligent matrix of interconnection.  

In my breathwork session I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet was drawn to the energy of "power over" in such acts. To me this represents moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” tactics to fix, to heal, to save lives, to rescue, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence. 

Through exploration of the space where disconnection happens, I landed on key qualities and reminders to practice leading from the heart rather than implementing “power over” or reacting to “power over” with “power over.”  

- patience and choice 

- See “power over” as stuck energy

- trust in the intelligence that is here, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.

- Lastly, I named this as a healing space

Upon further reflection and inner work, I have come to realize that this little one who flails was holding a core belief that she is alone and it is not safe to trust anyone. The paradox that struck me and led to an important shift was the recognition that the intelligent shapeshifting matrix of interconnection is the exact medicine or antidote to this belief of separation, loneliness and lack of trust. 

When this intelligent goo was restraining this flailer with "power-over" energy rather than supporting her as interconnection, my system was continually re-creating the original wound, perpetually returning to what was stuck in the past.

Drichel (2013) surmised that,

"...in attempting to protect itself, the organism infects itself over and over again with the memory of the outside force that threatened and continues to threaten it in order to incorporate that threat into the organism, to bring it to conscious recollection in order that it may no longer threaten. This repetitive seeing therefore acts as an immunization, attempting to provide resistance and defence against any repeat attack" (p. 50).

The problem is, when this defense against the defense is not resolved, the threat we seek to inoculate is on the inside and we have built up so much protection that we now become ill from the inside out; akin to an autoimmune disease (Drichel, 2013). 

As I continue to practice re-centering my heart and de-centering power-over, the flail quiets and dissipates as this little one is nourished and supported rather than restrained.

Social Work Action

What has become more clear to me throughout this process is reflected in the words of Audre Lorde (1984) who says, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” One of the master’s tools is “power over” and I am confident that my experience has helped me understand the danger and harm of utilizing “power over” in the name of helping. Lakota scholar and teacher Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) details the importance of perceiving the English language as one of domination, possession, separation and containment, and, he says, we cannot liberate ourselves or wake ourselves up with the same language that put us asleep or boxed us in. Ghosthorse (2021) also makes reference to Einstein's infamous quote that similarly cautions, “we can’t solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” This has brought me to a place of being mindful and attentive to the words I choose, and the importance of re-centering my heart as I de-centralize “power over”. 

Tiokasin (2021) shares a lesson he learned from his mother, that the thinking mind, which thinks it is THE Intelligence, is actually a seed of the heart. In Lakota, this means we think from our heart, and our brain’s are a tool of the heart. Our intellectualism comes from the thinking mind, but our intelligence is from the heart. While much of the English language is continuously distancing us from this intelligence, it is our work to slow down, be mindful of the energy within the words we choose to use, and come back to leading from our heart (Ghosthorse, 2021). 

Final Reflection/Readiness for Practice

As I integrate my learnings and experience from this project, I am more clear in my direction and desire to align with a social work model of practice that is both transformative (Braidotti, 2019) and eclectic with interdisciplinary relational accountability and equity as core features (Hanrahan, 2011). This must include a critical framework that encourages the ongoing deconstruction of ‘power-over’ (internally and externally) by way of tangible practices that are focused on re-centering the heart. As a transformational social worker, I must embody a holistic approach and align with ontologies of relationality and interconnectedness (Besthorn, 2003) and collaborate and co-conspire with other visionary and creative practitioners (Baldwin & Dylan, 2018).

Additionally, I feel called to heed the suggestion of Resmaa Menakem (2021) and create safe space for white-bodied people to come together to build a culture around reckoning with generations of trauma that has led to the perpetuation of internalized and systemic racism, as well as building capacity and antifragility around racialized topics of conversation. These will not be spaces of exclusion, and all are welcome to be a part of this journey and experience. 

System’s change requires individual work in dismantling implicit bias and updating mental models, participation in healthy relationships and seeing/questioning power dynamics, and a broader scope and experience to deconstruct and reconstruct (from the heart) our policies, practices and resources (Kania et al, 2018).

May we remember to recognize the interconnection between intrapersonal and interpersonal, and come to see that how we interact with ourselves and the world around us has the potential to change the entire Universe (Wilson, 2019).

References

Baldwin, C. & Dylan, B. (2018). Critical social work: Past, present and future. Canadian Social Work, 20(1), 7–14.

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414 

Boetto, H. (2017). A transformative eco-social model: Challenging modernist assumptions in social work. British Journal of Social Work, 47(1), 48–67.

Braidotti, R. (2019). A theoretical framework for the critical posthumanities. Theory, Culture and Society, 36(6), 31–61.

Ellis, C., Adams, T. E., & Bochner, A. P. (2011). Autoethnography: An overview. Historical Social Research, 36(4), 273-290. https://doi.org/10.12759/hsr.36.2011.4.273-290

Geller, P. (2018, September 30). Ouroboros - description, uses and Interpretations. Mythology.net. https://mythology.net/others/concepts/ouroboros/ 

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Hanrahan, C. (2011). Challenging anthropocentrism in social work through ethics and spirituality: Lessons from studies in human and animal bonds. Journal of Religion and Spirituality in Social Work, 30(3), 272–293.

Kania, J., Kramer, M., & Senge, P. (2018, June). The Water of Systems Change. FSG: Reimagining Social Change. 

Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College. 

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf 

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 


Why this matters - Week 10 of my practicum

I am feeling a reverence for this practicum journey. I am grateful for the opportunity to research, explore and create on such an important and fascinating topic. And I am excited to feel into how this chapter wants to close, leading the way for what wants to happen next. I am in a place of sitting with how to organize my experience in these last few blog posts, a reflective presentation summary for a supervisor, a final presentation to a live audience, and an experiential workshop I will be facilitating regarding this process (on March 23 at YogaMCC). What have I learned? What does completion look like at this point? What is the story I intend to tell? 

As part of my integration and organization process, I have landed on what these next three weeks may look like in terms of content creation. First, I feel called to explore my ability to articulate, again, why this all matters, both as a reflective exercise as well as to increase my calm confidence in conversations with folks who have strong opinions one way or another, or are new to the process of digesting and metabolizing this content. I also want to include some experiential education regarding what I have learned and how that informs the direction my gaze and energy is flowing towards, which will be the topic for next week’s blog. Lastly, I am drawn towards utilizing symbols to organize the headlines for my autoethnography, and will begin with that process two weeks from now as I explore creative ways to present this as a final project. 

One of my favorite integrative reminders comes from the work of Daniel Siegal (2017), a researcher, author and psychiatrist that focuses on mental health and attachment in the developing and “developed” brain. He teaches the importance of differentiation before the work of integration. Integration, Siegal (2017) says, “is more like a fruit salad than a smoothie" (p. 87). I have found this visual to be potent in my various integrative processes, as this denotes the goal to see and know the parts and pieces involved, explore the relationships and space between things, and then mindfully link or come back to wholeness without blending or losing the boundaries or uniqueness of each part being included. For Siegal (2017), the process of integration is one that optimizes well-being and healing, as harmony emerges between the extremes of chaos and rigidity. 

As I have learned more about cultural humility and competency, there are striking similarities as integration or collective wellness is a process of differentiating between groups and individuals, recognizing similarities, and bridging those differences in the name of connection and human-ness (Intercultural Development Continuum, 2024). As Audre Lorde (1984), writer and renowned activist states in her paper Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference:

“Too often, we pour the energy needed for recognizing and exploring difference into pretending those differences are insurmountable barriers, or that they do not exist at all. This results in a voluntary isolation, or false and treacherous connections. Either way, we do not develop tools for using human difference as a springboard for creative change within our lives. We speak not of human difference, but of human deviance” (p. 2).

As I circle back to the focus of this blog post - why this matters - I hope you already feel the importance of this content. The points I explore below are not exhaustive, in fact, there are many more reasons why this work matters. The reasons that stand out to me and that I share come from my positionality and perspective in what brought me into this work and what keeps me motivated to continue on despite the moments of a bit too much chaos or stagnancy (Siegal, 2017). I hope that part of my work here is what inspires you to keep learning, reading, and listening to folks who are in “other” groups, as the more we open ourselves to others’ perspectives, the closer we get to the truth.

Why This Matters

  1. This project began from the seed of curiosity regarding how to better engage in conversations related to systemic racism with folks who appear resistant, defensive, or exhibiting some version of denial. The topic of race and race-related issues can feel like a field of landmines, and nothing about that analogy invokes a sense of safety. Once our nervous system is activated, hypervigilance and over-thinking keeps us in an activated state, and a multitude of mental and physical illnesses and struggles are likely to manifest or worsen (Levine, 1976). When we remain in this head-driven way of being, disconnected from the wisdom that is within us, it is easier to go along with the Western culture’s status quo that  asserts qualities of individualism, competition, and dualism as necessities for “success” (Okun, 2023). This incessant “othering” leads to a stance of inherent superiority that manifests as “the right to dominance” (Lorde, 1984, p. 2). 

    These are attributes of a culture that continues to operate within the confines of colonial thinking, and we will all benefit in various ways by deconstructing these tenets systemically and internally so we can unite as a collective, and optimize our individual health and well being. We must learn how to feel again, how to remain in discomfort long enough to release and transform what is stuck in our psyches. This is a journey that brings us back into our bodies, back into a heart-led way of being. 

    Topic aside, learning how to engage in difficult conversations of any kind is a valuable and transferable skill set. 

  2. According to Miller and Josephs (2003), one of the challenges “in analyzing white identity is that the issue cannot easily be raised without putting the white person on the defensive and arousing considerable persecutory anxiety and counter-hostility” (p. 103). What this tells me is that there are important and powerful feelings being triggered in these conversations, (in Internal Family Systems language) “trail-heads” (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020) that lead to the underlying pain and wounding. From this perspective, these conversations are potent opportunities for cultivating wellness for ourselves, each other, and our planet. 

    Moving in to be with the feelings that arise during race-based conversations is not meant to be a form of penance or self-flagellation (Menakem, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). When we are under-resourced in our ability to understand how to ‘be with’ and stay present and connected while experiencing intense emotions, avoidance and denial feel like a saving grace (Miller & Josephs, 2009). 

    When someone feels “under attack” (or in other words, a critical mass of danger signals) it is common to engage in erroneous ‘othering’ and lean hard into dichotomous categories that further feed a sense of separation (Wong, 2018). The label white privilege has intense emotional substrates attached to it, as those who accept this label of privilege often feel shame or guilt, while those who deny this label tend to experience feelings of anger or indignation (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022). Deny or accept, these emotional substrates are intense and it makes sense that without understanding or support in how to be with and process these emotions, there is a tendency to project blame, defend our identity we perceive as being under attack or completely shut down and avoid due to the sheer overwhelm of it all (Wong, 2018). Without a critical mass of safety signals, there is no hope for the important process of deconstructing and critically examining ‘whiteness’ (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). 

  3. While there are many white-bodied people who fully acknowledge white privilege (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022), this does not equate to a productive conversation or understanding of what to do with this knowledge (Miller & Josephs, 2009). And of the nearly half of the white-bodied population who expresses some or full denial of white privilege, this is correlated with a higher likelihood of furthering discriminatory systemic behavior by way of preserving the normalcy of microaggressions and implicit/explicit bias and attitudes that “oppose affirmative action, social welfare spending, and liberal immigration policy” (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022, p. 14).

    This also sheds light on a common sentiment conveyed by white folks who say that we (as a collective) have transcended race (Miller & Josephs, 2009), often coupled with the proclamation of an ideal quintessential ‘color blindness’ (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). Not understanding that racism is built into our society leaves many white-bodied folks blind to the continuation of daily microaggressions (Miller & Josephs, 2009), and therefore, unable to be effective allies. Miller & Josephs (2009) suggest that growing up with the white supremacist cultural tenets of a “competitive, individualistic, materialistic, and status-conscious society” has intensified the “traumatic social mortifications” we experience in our youth and this unconsciously sets us up to be ill-equipped to recognize the impacts of white-ness (p. 96). 

    For white-bodied folks, doing the work to first acknowledge that white privilege exists is a vital step in reducing discriminatory behavior, but we need to go deeper in order to change our default thinking and reactions towards a more inclusive, equitable and heart-centered way of being. 

  4. Immense skill is required to honor differences while recognizing commonality (Agate & Finney, 2023). Strategic essentialism is a philosophy that attempts to support this vital aspect of integration (Mounk, 2023). It says that for the sake of agreeableness, we must use definitions and categories, yet we must also hold onto the equal truth that they are social constructions (Mounk, 2023). A common argument in opposition to race-based conversations is that to acknowledge race as a social construction and then use it as the sole or primary prism to examine any phenomena (i.e., white privilege) perpetuates a dangerous contradiction (Mounk, 2023). White privilege is not the only form of privilege or supremacy that is wielded and the cause of harm and imbalance in power. 

    This is an area of the conversation that requires we revisit nondualism, and its merits in conceptualizing the complex reality of multiple truths simultaneously. Privilege takes many forms (Liu, 2017), and shapeshifts based on context and intersectionality (Crenshaw, 2018). As a form of power, it also influences whether someone feels able to engage in various forms of ally-ship (Case et al., 2020). 

    While I agree that we must be mindful to not simplify or monolithically reside in the prism of white privilege or white supremacy culture at the center as the only problem (Mounk, 2023), it is vital that we do not use this as reasoning to side-step race-based conversations altogether. I propose that white privilege and white supremacy culture are important for us to understand, deconstruct, and critically examine so that we can engage in race-based conversations without the fragility of unprocessed wounds needing fierce protection (Miller & Josephs, 2009; Menakem, 2021). And, an equal truth is that we need to recognize the root of white supremacy culture and the resultant white privilege that connects us all as we share a similar wound from “...a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against” (Drichel, 2013). 

  5. “Colonization has sought to sever bodies from land, history, ancestries, languages and spiritualities. It has sought to take the myriad ways in which people commune, connect and participate in the world and to dismember them” (Todd, 2019, p. 160).

    Part of this work is recognizing that the intergenerational wounds and ongoing process of colonization “continually recreates itself” (Todd, 2019, p. 160), and affects us all. Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) refers to this as the box that we are held within. This box is held together through authoritative thinking, or “power over '' that constrains and controls with time, and the linear thinking of one beginning and ending (Ghosthorse, 2021). This is symptomatic of dualistic thinking, i.e., a superior and inferior, us versus them or “othering”, and prioritizing newtonian cause and effect, all of which use violence and erasure to dissuade and invalidate “other ways of knowing and being in the world” that are outside the EuroWestern standard of accepted science (Todd, 2019, p. 160).

    Both Todd (2019) and Okun (2023) would add to this colonial box as being held together by the economy’s obsession with wealth, hustle, and seduction for more. Scholar and activist Jack Forbes refers to this insatiable desire for more as a cannibalistic ego or Wetiko disease (Luna-Firebaugh, 2010). In his book Columbus and Other Cannibals: The Wetiko Disease of Exploitation, Imperialism and Terrorism (2008), Forbes implores we come back to our interconnectedness and give to the world rather than remaining in a state of wetiko that devours, dominates, and extracts (Luna-Firebaugh, 2010).

  6. Lastly, anyone who is interested in personal growth and being of help and service to others will benefit from the pulse of perspective that includes micro to macro level thinking. We are complex beings that are inherently relational (Wilson, 2019), which aligns with the notion that sustainable change doesn’t happen in a silo. Who we are, how we relate, and how we show up in each moment is inseparable from the systems we are a part of (Kania et al, 2018). 

    Expressing the sentiment of Paulo Friere in The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Audre Lorde (1984) emphasizes that “the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships” (p. 6). 

    Resmaa Menakem (2021) expands on this by stating that individual work is vital as healing from intergenerational and present day acts of violence and domination must begin with your body. He continues, “​But it does not end there. In order to heal the collective body that is America, we also need social activism that is body centered. We cannot individualize our way out of white-body supremacy. Nor can we merely strategize our way out. We need collective action — action that heals.”

I suggest that what we need is more support in these conversations, more people who feel resourced and capable to sit in discomfort, and alignment in our collective goal of harmonious relationships that lead to the deconstruction of systemic racism within ourselves and the environments we live within. While I have shared my own ongoing journey of deconstruction of colonial consciousness, I am clear about what is required of me next. System’s change requires individual work in dismantling implicit bias and updating mental models, participation in healthy relationships and seeing/questioning power dynamics, and a broader scope and experience to deconstruct and reconstruct policies, practices and resources (Kania et al, 2018).  



References:

Agate, J., & Finney, F. (2023). Intercultural development continuum (IDC). Intent, impact, and 

intercultural competence: How to successfully navigate difference (Online Course). Retrieved January 5, 2023, from https://courses.ifs-institute.com/. 

Case, K. A., Rios, D., Lucas, A., Braun, K., & Enriquez, C. (2020). Intersectional patterns of prejudice confrontation by White, heterosexual, and cisgender allies. Journal of Social Issues, 76(4), 899–920. https://doi.org/10.1111/josi.12408

Crenshaw, K. (2018). “She coined the term ‘intersectionality’ over 30 years ago. Here’s what it means today. Time Magazine. time.com/5786710/kimberle-crenshaw-intersectionality/.

Dobbs, R., & Nicholson, S. P. (2022). Inverting the Lens: White Privilege Denial in Evaluations of Politicians and Policy. Perspectives on Politics, 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1537592721004102

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Intercultural Development Continuum. Intercultural Development Inventory. (2024). https://www.idiinventory.com/idc 

Kania, J., Kramer, M., & Senge, P. (2018, June). The Water of Systems Change. FSG: Reimagining Social Change. 

Lawrence, S. M., & Bunche, T. (1996). Feeling and dealing: Teaching white students about racial privilege. Teaching and Teacher Education, 12(5), 531–542. https://doi.org/10.1016/0742-051x(95)00054-n 

Levine, P. A. (1976). (dissertation). Accumulated stress, reserve capacity, and disease.

Liu, W. M. (2017). White male power and privilege: The relationship between white supremacy and social class. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(4), 349–358. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000227

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf 

Luna-Firebaugh, E. M. (2010). Jack D. Forbes. Columbus and Other Cannibals: The Wetiko Disease of Exploitation, Imperialism and Terrorism. The American Indian Quarterly, 34(1), 120+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A219578878/AONE?u=googlescholar&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=a08f8434

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Miller, A. E., & Josephs, L. (2009). Whiteness as pathological narcissism. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45(1), 93–119. https://doi.org/10.1080/00107530.2009.10745989

Mounk, Y. (2023). The identity trap: A story of ideas and power in our time. Penguin Books

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company. 

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

Wong, Y.-L. R. (2018). “Please call me by my true names”: A decolonizing pedagogy of mindfulness and interbeing in critical social work education. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp.253–277). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863.





What's becoming more clear - Week 9 of my practicum

“Self-Realization is a process of radical inclusion.” 

Bhambra, 2014

In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says:

“traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).

I feel a natural curvature happening this week, one that takes me into phase three of this project, which includes a spiraling back to the “beginning” to re-imagine and re-focus as I reflect on where I have been and where I now see this going. While this practicum has a window of time that suggests I move towards a sense of completion, Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) reminds us that there is no beginning and no ending, as this journey is a continuum, and we are a spiral, a relational reverberation, and a fractal experience of multi-dimensionality that is highlighted in the phrase ‘as above so below’.

I am mindful that I do not want to attempt to tie loose ends prematurely or create an expectation for myself to have everything figured out, especially not while I am still very much in process. Ghosthorse (2021) mentions this several times in his online series in reference to the Lakota word Wacan, which speaks to the pure energy of life and the continual choice to consciously apply mystery to everything. The way this resonates with me at this point is a reminder to embrace uncertainty, allow myself to be surprised, and to hold my beliefs loosely.

Resmaa Menakem (2021) says that when trauma is decontextualized, in other words, when we don’t see trauma as energy stored in the body and impacting individual and collective choices, it looks like culture. Much of our Western culture is the byproduct of unprocessed (and more often than not, misunderstood) trauma. As we deconstruct colonial consciousness, we must deconstruct our language (Ghosthorse, 2021) and the implicit biases and impulses that are a legacy of the trauma we have inherited (Menakem, 2021; Okun, 2023). 

With that in mind, I propose another change to my project’s title. In honor of simplifying, orbiting relationality and healing, and centering a heart-led way of being, I am moved towards the title:

Re-centering the heart to deconstruct colonial consciousness: An autoethnography

I set out on this project to see myself more clearly within the landscape of colonization and white supremacy culture while I engaged in an honest and vulnerable process of sharing. In many ways I was seeking a deeper connection with parts of me that I felt had been both traumatized and indoctrinated from intergenerational and present day experiences as a colonizer and as the colonized. It was important to me to articulate why I was embarking on this path and what I was discovering. As a white-bodied, middle-class, able-bodied, heterosexual, neurodivergent, Canadian cis gender female, who is passionate about the “helping” and “healing” profession, I am aware of the harm perpetuated by folks like me whose good intentions are tainted by lack of awareness and white saviorism (Cargle, 2020). The profession of social work has been scrutinized for many years as towing the line of oppression as “helping” can only go so far when it’s enacted within the confines of an institution regulated by systemic racism and patriarchal domination (Maylea, 2020). I have become astutely aware that I am not interested in simply making the status quo more comfortable for myself or those around me, and for that reason, my audience and scope for this project, and my next steps as a social worker, have become more clear. 

To add a bit of context, I attended a webinar this week titled Social Work 101: Unlearn and Practice Authentically, hosted by Kim Young (March, 2024). She spoke to many issues that are perpetuated by the social work profession, including too much focus on micro or individuals and not enough emphasis on the macro of systemic change. Additionally, she made a powerful proclamation that no one needs to be rescued, what people need is equitable access to resources and support that arrives in the form of relationships and ‘walking with’ rather than ‘power over’ (personal conversation, March, 2024). This echoes the aspects of my social work education that I have focused on and why I deem it a top priority to align with a model of practice that expands beyond the limitations of an individualistic, patriarchal and positivist paradigm that is currently embedded within and constraining the field of social work (Boetto, 2017).

At the end of her presentation, I asked Kim Young something along the lines of:

“I hear often that to create change we need to do it from the inside. However, I am hesitant to get both feet inside an agency or institution and am wondering if it is necessary to have that experience to truly be an agent of change?” 

She responded by sharing her own experience of working within various agencies and nonprofits, and that it is vital to have connections with folks on the ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ as co-conspirators in the pursuit of systemic change (personal communication, March, 2024). This lit me up. Aligning with the Indigenous wisdom of relationality (Wilson, 2019), rather than a singular focus on what I can do as an individual, I am reminded to focus on my connections and relationships, and foster a network of co-conspirators at various levels and positions in society.

While I recognize the need to balance micro and macro social work as “social problems require complex and sustained intervention at all levels of social work practice” (Rothman & Mizrahi, 2014, p. 91), it is the centering of relationships that shifts the epistemological underpinning of practice and its social objectives (Payne, 2020). What this tells me is that my broader goal of deconstructing colonialism and restructuring systems of equity and heart-led ways of being must include the individual and collective work of developing existential intelligence (Gardner, 2020) and dismantling of “ism’s” (Wong, 2018).

For these reasons, I have come to recognize the need for a social work model of practice that is transformative (Braidotti, 2019) and eclectic (Hanrahan, 2011), with a critical framework that encourages the ongoing deconstruction of ‘power-over’ and how that shows up in what we think we know, how we came to know it, and how we developed our skills and responses (Fook, 2015). Transformational social work is a holistic approach that relies on visionary and creative practitioners (Baldwin & Dylan, 2018) who embody the ontologies of relationality and interconnectedness (Besthorn, 2003). Similarly, an eclectic approach with interdisciplinary practice honors relational accountability and equity as core features (Hanrahan, 2011).

With all of that said, at this point in my project, in my career, and in my life in general, my ideal audience are folks who I can co-conspire with through educational and somatic experiences that lead to deconstructing colonial consciousness of our individual psyches and ban together to be more effective in deconstructing colonial tenets of society. 

Deconstruction can be quite disorienting and discombobulating. It is an experience of differentiating, and at times, falling apart, in the midst of coming home to what is infinitely stable and enduring. As I rebuild what has been pieced apart, I am reassured by Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) who reminds us that this is not a process of re-connecting with self, as that language is what is keeping us separate with the illusion that what we seek is something outside of us, or something that is not inherently a part of who we are already. Coming back to interconnectedness is a coming home to re-membering that we never have been separate. To me this brings life to Bhambra’s (2014) words at the start of this post. What could be more radical than the recognition that who we are is inherently inclusive and interconnected. 


References:


Baldwin, C. & Dylan, B. (2018). Critical social work: Past, present and future. Canadian Social Work, 20(1), 7–14.

Besthorn, F. (2003). Radical ecologisms: Insights for educating social workers in ecological activism and social justice. Critical Social Work, 3(1), 66–107. https://ojs.uwindsor.ca/index.php/csw/article/download/5632/4602?inline=1.

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414 

Boetto, H. (2017). A transformative eco-social model: Challenging modernist assumptions in social work. British Journal of Social Work, 47(1), 48–67.

Braidotti, R. (2019). A theoretical framework for the critical posthumanities. Theory, Culture and Society, 36(6), 31–61.

Cargle, R., Hayes, S., & Plummer, S. (2020, June 30). SWCAREs: Social work so white W Rachel Cargle. YouTube. https://youtu.be/WA5ZwkfHLCA?si=3Y566IvNxRY2d5j5 

Fook, J. (2015). Critical social work practice. International Encyclopedia of the Social Work; Behavioral Sciences, 287–292. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-08-097086-8.28022-7

Gardner, H. (2020). Existential intelligence: Why now? https://www.multipleintelligencesoasis.org/blog/2020/7/8/a-resurgence-of-interest-in-existential-intelligence-why-nownbsp

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Ginwright, S. (2018). The Future of Healing: Shifting From Trauma-Informed Care to Healing-Centered Engagement. Medium

Hanrahan, C. (2011). Challenging anthropocentrism in social work through ethics and spirituality: Lessons from studies in human and animal bonds. Journal of Religion and Spirituality in Social Work, 30(3), 272–293.

Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College. 

Maylea, C. (2020). The end of social work. The British Journal of Social Work, 51(2), 772–789. https://doi.org/10.1093/bjsw/bcaa203

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Payne, M (2020). The social construction of social work theory. In Modern Social Work Theory (5th edition) (pp. 3-31). New York: Oxford Press.

Rothman, J., & Mizrahi, T. (2014). Balancing Micro and macro practice: A challenge for Social Work. Social Work, 59(1), 91–93. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swt067

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

Wong, Y.-L. R. (2018). “Please call me by my true names”: A decolonizing pedagogy of mindfulness and interbeing in critical social work education. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp.253–277). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863.




The standstill in the midst of deconstruction - Week 8 of my practicum

“The imperative behind this work is that decolonization is a process in which everyone should engage. Decolonization is for everyone, because it works to reconnect humanity to all facets of their being. Since colonialism has attempted to sever the means of communing with the world through dehumanization, dispossession and erasures, returning to relational ways of connecting is an act of renunciation of colonialism and, more importantly, an act of renewal. Decolonizing needs to begin first internally in the mind, the body and the spirit and then move outward to transform existing colonial structures” (Todd, 2019,  p. 164).

 

Timing and synchronicity has me in a deep pause this week. I won’t be writing much, as I have started this blog a dozen times and continue to find myself at a standstill as I notice the words and phrases I habitually use are actually disempowering (Ghosthorse, 2022). I am in a being state, in a way that is foreign yet familiar. The more I try to put words to it the more disconnected I feel from myself. I find it fascinating that I lost my voice last week, and I am now in a state of shifting how I communicate. So what brought this on?

I am inspired, held and shattered from listening and learning from Tiokasin Ghosthorse of the Cheyenne River Lakota. In a series called Deprogramming the Colonial Mind (2022) on the Restorative Practices website, I find myself experiencing a swift dismantling of the conceptual framework I have been living in. It is a gift, and it is disorienting. 

What has become more clear from the guidance in these lessons from Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2022) is that English, as a language, is one of domination, possession, separation and containment, and he says, we cannot liberate ourselves or wake ourselves up with the same language that put us asleep or boxed us in. He makes reference to Einstein's infamous quote that is similar, “we can’t solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” And I heard the parallel to Audre Lorde’s (1984) cautionary reminder, “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” 

Ghosthorse (2022) shares a lesson he learned from his mother, that the thinking mind, which thinks it is THE Intelligence, is actually a seed of the heart. In Lakota, this means we think from our heart, and our brain’s are a tool of the heart. Our intellectualism comes from the thinking mind, but our intelligence is from the heart. While our language is continuously distancing us from this intelligence, it is our work to make the journey back to our heart by seeing the box we are living within and shifting our language so we are not using the same language that boxed us in (Ghosthorse, 2022). 

This reminded me of a Sioux (pronounced Sue) Native American saying that expresses the sentiment that the longest journey you will ever make is from your head to your heart. I remember the first time I heard this phrase spoken. It rang through my system as wisdom, and inspired me to begin a long explorative expedition to discover this journey home to my heart. 

Learn more about the Sioux Native Americans here

This project has become an integral part of that journey for me. The disconnect I have felt throughout my life, the shame, the desire to seek for something elusive yet that I knew I would know it when I found it, have all led me to this moment. As I turn the corner of the halfway point in this project’s timeline, I sense some final puzzle pieces falling into place in what feels like a serendipitous way, which has me in awe. 

As the walls of my language crumble around me, I am reminded of bell hooks (1996) words that as the dismantling happens and we momentarily lose the ground, anchor to love. Rather than over-analyzing, trying to figure out how to describe the ‘how-to’, or attempt to speed up or get entangled in an agenda of progress, I am allowing this process to unfold and I surrender to where I am now. With that, I merge with interconnectedness and the presence of energy animating my body. I listen and I turn towards the rhythms of the Earth to remind me that I am her, and she is me (Ghosthorse, 2022). 

Xo

Bye for now

Marin

P.s. I highly recommend you register for this course to watch the pre-recorded videos with Tiokasin Ghosthorse. 

INTERMEDIATE: Deprogramming the Colonial Mind: Re-Languaging Regeneration - Restorative Practices ELearning Platform





References:

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

hooks, b. (1996). “Contemplation and Transformation.” In Dresser, M. (Ed.) (1996). Buddhist 

women on the edge: Contemporary perspectives from the western frontiers, 287–92. 

Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979)

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 


Exploration of my psyche - Week 7 of my practicum

Although I was quite sick to start this week, I also felt excited and ready to do a deeper dive into my psyche. For several weeks I have been looking forward to my craniosacral and breathwork sessions scheduled for this past Thursday, and they did not disappoint. I wrote for two hours Thursday night to capture the happenings in these two interconnected and spiritual journeys (i.e. craniosacral and breathwork) and am still unpacking and processing the insights that emerged. While it may be a bit premature to share what happened, I also believe there is value in sharing while it’s raw, inviting you into the process of integration.

For those of you who have not experienced or do not know much about craniosacral work or breathwork, much of what I share below may sound quite bizarre. I am not trained in craniosacral therapy, and have only experienced this specific modality a handful of times. When I had my first session with Linda White last Spring at Healing Tree I knew she was someone I would continue to work with for some time. Every session I have experienced with her has been profoundly supportive.

I am trained and facilitate breathwork and have experienced sessions more times than I can count. Dawn Zentner is a breathwork practitioner I have known for many years, and while I have been honored to support her in some breathwork journeys, this was my first time being on the receiving end. You can find her facilitating by looking her up on instagram or at The Practice Calgary.

While there are obvious differences in these therapies, there are also lots they share in common. They both have the potential to be deeply spiritual, and grant us access to what is happening beneath the iceberg of our thoughts, habits, beliefs and behavior. They are somatic therapies that turn towards sensations, visuals, reactions, impulses, and thoughts with a curiosity that leads to deeper levels of awareness that we don’t normally have access to. A glaring difference is that craniosacral is facilitated by regulating/calming the body, while this form of breathwork seeks to consciously activate the body. Another aspect of these experiences that is unique for me is the fact that I have access to many tools that allow me to collaborate quite a bit in these sessions. I will happily elaborate, engage in discourse or explore possible meanings with anyone who feels compelled to reach out regarding these two powerful experiences I had on Thursday.

Before I move further, I must also acknowledge that I recognize that this project has a strong element of personal development within it, and I am mindful that this teeters towards White Saviorism when there is not an equally present element of active engagement and support in dismantling the systems that are founded on colonial and racist rhetoric, beliefs and actions (Cargle et al., 2020). I humbly acknowledge that I can do more to support and show up for equity deserving people and communities in our/their advocacy for creating change, and I am sharing this now as a way to hold myself accountable to this vital part of the work. I also acknowledge that I have needed to do this deeper dive into my psyche to understand the grip systemic racism and the history of colonialism has in my psyche, as I believe that by knowing how and experiencing liberation internally, we have a structure and framework to understand how to engage in liberation externally. The work may begin with personal development, but that is certainly not where it remains nor where it ends. 

The Magic of Thursday

As I prepared Thursday morning for my craniosacral and breathwork sessions, I felt excited to have loving care and support in my exploration. I reminded myself to be open to what arises while also being clear on what I was curious to illuminate, both for my own direction and to share with the practitioners I would be receiving support from. Along with that, I had a few points of interest to weave in….

  1. One of the clear intentions I had was to discover more about my impulse to “power over.” The way this landed for me Thursday morning was a desire to discern between “power over” and the “right use of power”.

  2. As I desire to have my internal system operate more like a holacracy, rather than a traditional hierarchy, I found myself curious to explore and discover the qualities or elements of my internal system’s “constitution” that will serve as guidance and support in my sense of Identity.

  3. I also noted a deep curiosity to understand more about my sensitivity to discomfort, how OCD may be playing a role in this, and how “power over” gets wielded as a reaction to discomfort 

  4. Lastly, I am curious to turn towards the parts of me that have used power over or have been exiled by power over, and to reconnect with these parts from Self.


I imagine that as you read through what transpired in these two sessions you will see how these intentions impacted my journey, and some wisdom that could be landed on. I intend to make those connections more obvious in coming weeks, but for now, let’s move into the unfiltered reflection from Thursday night as I captured the days events…


What a day! I feel myself hesitate as I sit down to attempt to capture all of the amazing insights and experiences today brought to fruition. What a gift it is to have loving support to help me move deep into my psyche and remain steady in the spaces of connections that require more time, patience and curiosity. 

With Linda, she was excited to hear about my practicum project and where I was at with it. She said she had been thinking about me, and I felt honored to cross her mind like that. I shared the pieces I had written above, including some context about being mostly cognitive with the project thus far, and having moments of confusion. She picked up on that and after I had shared she asked me about the confusion. I shared more about recognizing how big this project was and how I needed to narrow down what I was looking for, or my trailheads to simplify the process, as well as recognizing that I needed to take more time to cultivate safety for myself rather than assume I could just close my eyes and go to what felt “big and scary.” That reminded me of the black hole and the inner flailer, so I spoke to that as well and the concept that colonialism enacts a violent shattering and separation of self, which is what I assumed this black hole and flailer were connected to.

She took her time to help me feel safe and grounded on her massage table, as she gently held my feet. My lower body felt as though it wasn’t present, while my upper body twinged and twanged and twitched with energy pulsing. I patiently sent love and welcoming to my legs, and around the same time Linda and I both noted that my legs felt more present. My feet however still felt cold and flat, and I mentioned this to Linda so she could bring more attention there too. She placed her hands at the soles of my feet and within a few moments I felt them melting, warming, relaxing. I also felt a slight movement in my feet and legs, similar to walking or cycling, and as I named that, I saw the visual of a figure 8. Linda asked me what that represented for me, and I felt into a cycle. I then saw the figure 8 as one part being in the present and the other part being in the past. A cycle that can reinforce stagnancy and beliefs, but also can be the catalyst for change as we update/change our present that will influence our past, or if we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present. 

As I felt very calm, relaxed and connected, I said I was intentionally turning towards the black hole. As I saw it, I felt neutral towards it. This ominous aspect of my psyche that I often felt so much resistance to turn towards or experienced with overwhelm, appeared with ease and didn’t evoke any charge within me. Linda validated this experience as meaning I was very much in my Higher Self and differentiated from this part of me that I often experience as being blended with. I walked in it, around it, and if anything it just felt ominously innocuous. 

As I remained in this black hole, I noted that it is a vastly different experience to be in there by choice versus my usual experience of being blended and tossed in there. That had me curious to explore if there was a part trapped or stuck in there. The black hole began to shift and change to be seen and experienced as a fluid, sticky tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped, “power over”, by this black goo. I commented about how I realize now that this part is being held captive with power over energy, and when something touches this within me I then react by also wielding power over as a protective mechanism. 

Linda asked me something along the lines of: “Rather than fighting ‘power over’ with ‘power over’, what else might you do?

I love this question so much. The part of me stuck in the goo seemed to get quite activated by this question as it appeared to be the key to her escape, and yet she didn’t know the answer and felt the pressure to have an answer. This evoked what felt like the beginning trickle of activation in my belly moving up towards my heart, a sensation that felt familiar yet subdued enough for me to have space around it, noticing it. It felt like I was moving towards being blended with the part that is trapped, yet I was still grounded and in a critical mass of safety to also feel very much still in my Higher Self. While I didn’t have an answer to her question yet, I have kept that in my back pocket and will come back to that later on. I reminded this part of me that she doesn’t need to have the answer, and its not her job to figure that out, that I (the higher Self) will answer that. I sensed that the part that was trapped was not able to leave with her or my own agency at tht point. So I turned towards the goo with the assumption that it was holding her down and I needed to get its permission or become relational with it so I could go deeper. As I did that, I sensed there was no ill-will coming from it. I sensed that it was doing the job of protection. With the experience I have in this work, I have learned to revere my protectors as a vital step in the relationship building process. So I did. I also apologized to it for being scared of it and not seeing that it was just trying to protect. Checking in to see what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect this part the way it does, I sensed it as a mass of intelligence, and its ability to shapeshift as a matrix of interconnection.

I was then able to move in deeper and reconnect with the young part it had been restraining. I recognized in that moment that this little one, 4-ish years old, had been flailing and this intelligent goo rained down on her to stabilize my system. Why had she begun flailing? I don’t have a clear answer for that question yet. She was scared and lonely and confused, yet within seconds of my Higher Self moving in, she opened herself to my presence. I checked in with this big terrorized energy she had been holding onto, flailing in, and felt 50% of it was not mine, and instead was inherited. I began to pass that energy back through my family lineage, and heard many of my ancestor’s remark that some of it is theirs but around 50% is also not theirs, as they kept passing it back. 

I sat with her for a while, taught her how to breathe into her central axis, and reminded her several times that she’s not alone anymore. I heard another part chime in momentarily that I better keep her on a short leash or be ready to restrain her. As if this little one was a wild animal that parts of my system were fearful of. I reminded my system that I am here with this little one, and yes she will need some updating, and some guidance, and some learning, but that’s okay, I am here. 

I have been reading chapters from the not-yet released book The Neurobiology of Connection by Natureza Gabriel (The Neurobiology of Connection | Natureza Gabriel | Substack), and he recently shared some key aspects of infant development that are vital for the healthy growth of a human nervous system. Part of this is the recognition that human beings require their first 18 months out of the womb to be treated as similar to womb time, in the sense of close connection swaddled on their caregivers front body (0-9 months) and on their back body (9-18 months). With these images fresh in my mind, and my knowing that I did not receive that as an infant, I then imagined a 0-9 month old version of me on my chest, a 9-18 month old me on my back, a toddler me on my lap, and this 4 year old close by ready to hold my hand in between bouts of wandering and playing. Young parts of me that I have contacted through previous spiritual sessions like this one, yet this presentation of how they nested on my body was a new way for me to imagine how I can care for these young versions of me that need my attuned secure attachment.

With that, the session came to an end. 


In the afternoon, my wonderful friend Dawn came over to support me in a breathwork journey. I described my morning session and the fascinating and surprising pieces that had and were unfolding. My intention for breathwork was to continue with integration as well as continue with the inquiry around noticing the impulse to fight “power over” with “power over” and what could be done in that space instead, yet also wanting to be mindful to not engage in this question cognitively. 

As we began, Dawn set the space with prayer, calling in supports and guides, reminding me of my wisdom and to trust my breath. Within a few minutes I began noting sensations that were standing out in my awareness, specifically a U-shaped intense energy in my lower jaw, surrounding my face. As Dawn placed her hands on the space beneath my collarbones, I felt my energy ground down into my body and the intensity in my face began to soften. As my breath rhythm picked up in pace and volume, my spine began to rock like a wave in a building oceanic storm. Dawn invited me to soften that motion and notice what happens. I immediately felt more awareness travel through my body. I felt more embodied and connected in general. I also noticed twitches above my right eye, at my eyebrow, and it moved in a bit of circular pattern around my eye. It felt like an entrance, a portal, I said. 

As I described what I was noticing, I did so with a gesture of my right hand into a strong fist that rested above my heart space. I became curious about the force or intensity of that gesture, and invited my fist to soften as well, and to pulse gently in the rhythm of my breath and the now soothing movement of my spine. Within a few moments I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. Dawn asked what that represented for me and I spoke of “coming back” after a heart had stopped. Dawn asked me how that made me feel and as she did I was struck with sadness and began to cry. I felt the terror of a violent moment right before a heart stopping, and the violent act of resuscitation to bring the heart back. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet such sadness that that is what so many people experience.

I noted that this feels like moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” to fix, to heal, to save lives, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence. I felt as though I was experiencing both the one who is being resuscitated and the one doing the resuscitating, and I felt a similar wound that was being acted out from as well as being implanted to be carried forward and passed on.

Dawn helped me tune into the warmth of my heart and the safety and support that is here now, and I felt an opportunity to update my system with “another way” to engage in these moments that appear to require violent resuscitation. I imagined the many moments in my life that I wielded “power over” and I recognized that was a learned behavior and was protecting the wound inside of me that experienced the shock of a heart-stopping moment. I began to flow warmth and love into those memories. This was less about seeing clear scenes or staying in one place, and more about feeling the energy of “power over” throughout my life and infusing this unconditionally loving energy into the space that is there. 

Dawn asked me what I can bring into those spaces where I sense “power over” wanting to fight “power over”, and my first responses came: patience and choice. As I felt the nurturing rhythm of my breath, the soothing pulse of my movement, and a gentle interconnected version of CPR resuscitating my heart, I also noted that in this space there is trust - trusting in the intelligence that is there, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.

I felt my awareness begin to shift towards imagining myself in the womb, continuing to vibrate with this powerful loving message of support and care, patience and trust, and then sending that same understanding back through my lineage. I imagined, without detail, moments in time that there were experiences of shock that “stopped someone’s heart” and the learned behavior of violence to fix it or defend it or turn away from it, and I sent warmth and love everywhere. Again, I was asked what is in that space rather than power over, and as I felt into it, I said Choice. I sensed this melting of energy flowing in so many directions, compared to what previously had felt stagnant and stuck. This led me to also name that this is a space to see and recognize stuck energy. We wield power over when energy is stuck. Lastly, I named this as a healing space

Dawn then asked me if there was anywhere in my body that I noticed anything that felt like stuck energy. I scanned through and noted a point at the back of my head on the left, and while my legs were currently supported with a bolster, I have recurring tension and stuck energy in my low back and would like to remove the support of the bolster to see what happens there. Once lying flat on the ground, I felt movement in my spine, rocking up and down, and a side to side in my pelvis. Dawn offered to hold my legs to mimic or ‘take over’ this motion so I could see what happens. She lifted my legs and I coached her to find the motion that matched what I was feeling. Within seconds I felt emotion, tears, and soon after could name that I was feeling fear. The words to describe it came out as “I have lost my feet. I have lost the ground.” She brought my legs down to regulate for a few breaths and offered to do that again if I felt inclined to explore. We tried again but this time with keeping my legs on the ground while creating the same motion. Now it felt similar, but more like I was walking, very grounded, rather than free falling. And then back into stillness. I noted that as a fascinating experience to move through. I felt this steady, always present part of me as being in all three experiences of free falling, walking and stillness, and this felt profound. What had felt scary and separate now felt normalized and just a part of the experience of living. 

I noted that my mind was going to potentially the first separation wound, when Source energy differentiated to create life. And the many moments in one’s life, for example, exiting the womb, where there was a shock of separation and a desperate action to “make it stop.” These intense moments of separation that could feel like momentary free falling, yet I now felt the continuity and the cycle as free falling was simply a part of the journey.

The figure 8 appeared again. I began to feel as if I were free falling, while also very aware that I was laying on the ground and safe. I also noticed that it felt like there was a well of space around my heart. Something I had never felt quite like this before. Previous journeys and experiences had led me to drop some deep protection around my heart, and occasionally feel that my heart is wide open, raw and ready for connection, yet not much nuance in between those two extremes. Now I felt this space around my heart. It had a protective energy to it yet without being a block or wall of any kind, quite the opposite in fact.

The free fall stopped feeling like a free fall so much as simply a leg of the journey. As if I was “falling” down one side of the figure 8 and trusted that the cycle would continue and would carry me up the other side. Nothing to flail about. Despite this knowing, I noticed my body begin to tense up as the feeling of free fall continued. I had to bring conscious attention and reassurance and guidance to my body to relax and allow. 

And we concluded there. A short debrief and sharing of appreciation for each other. And now I sit here, writing, trying to capture it all. What a gift. 




References:

Cargle, R., Hayes, S., & Plummer, S. (2020, June 30). SWCAREs: Social work so white W Rachel Cargle. YouTube. https://youtu.be/WA5ZwkfHLCA?si=3Y566IvNxRY2d5j5 





Wisdom from dreams - Week 6 of my practicum

My system has been overtaken with a cold this week. I find it very interesting that with this cold I have lost my voice. I like to believe that when one gets a virus, it is an opportunity to sweep out what is no longer serving and upgrade into the more evolved version of you. This certainly helps my mood when I am sick, and the timing of when I get sick becomes something that I reflect on and glean meaning from. As I'm embarking on this journey of seeing myself more clearly and recognizing the deep viral load of colonialism that has parts of my system intoxicated, indoctrinated and exiled, what fascinating timing to experience losing my voice. The way I have shown up and expressed myself in the world has been blindly colluding with the multifaceted aspects of colonialism, and perhaps losing my voice this week is an opportunity to let go of these old ways of expressing and create space for the evolved version of me.  

The blog I began writing for this week was almost done as of yesterday, and after a series of events that began on Thursday, I have shifted my focus and what was originally written will be explored and expanded on to share at a later date.   

On Thursday I began to read an article entitled Shedding of the Colonial Skin: The Decolonial Potentialities of Dreaming by Kimberly L. Todd (2019), and finished it yesterday morning. In it she uses the dreamscape world as an example of ways of knowing and connecting with ancestry and inspiration as valid and full of wisdom, and as such, a direct act of anti-colonialism. Referencing the work of Mignolo (2011) who expanded the framework of the Colonial Matrix of Power first outlined by Anibal Quijano, she explores the four areas that this matrix steadfastly remains as foundational within modern society (Todd, 2019). 

“Colonization has sought to sever bodies from land, history, ancestries, languages and spiritualities. It has sought to take the myriad ways in which people commune, connect and participate in the world and to dismember them. Colonization is an ongoing process that continually recreates itself utilizing the four pillars of the colonial matrix of power (Mignolo, 2011).” (Todd, 2019, p. 160)

One pillar of colonialism is found in the economy, as what “generates and grows wealth and resources, sustaining the ongoing colonial structures” (Todd, 2019, p. 162). This reminded me of the countless times I have heard someone refer to the “golden handcuffs” when expressing disdain for their corporate job yet feeling trapped and seduced by the pay cheque. Or, the general “hustle” required to make a living, especially at lower economic positions, which keeps one so tied up and busy that there is not much time or energy left to advocate for foundational change.

Another pillar appears as the dehumanizing of the “other” in comparison to the standard of a white, middle-upper class male, which means that race, gender and sexuality remain as means for invalidating and oppressing (Todd, 2019). Another rabbit-hole I have been exploring is the connection between fat phobia and racism. In the book Fearing the black body: The racial origins of fat phobia (2019), Strings takes her readers on a historical journey beginning in the 16th century through art, culture, eugenics, food industry, science and medicine to showcase how narratives on body size, curated by white European and American men, have been used to coerce “elite” white Christian women into a certain aesthetic while using fear and degradation of the black body to do so. This is something I am deeply moved by and will be exploring and sharing more as time passes. 

The final two pillars are around authority and knowledge, both of which use violence and erasure to dissuade and invalidate “other ways of knowing and being in the world” (p. 16) that are outside the EuroWestern standard of accepted science (Todd, 2019). This prompted me to look back into a book I read recently titled The hero with an African face: Mythic wisdom of traditional Africa by Clyde W. Ford (2000). This book is a landmark experience for me in recognizing how far spread and in plain sight the exclusion of certain cultures and peoples remains in Western Society. It is referencing another pivotal book, The hero with a thousand faces (1968) by Joseph Campbell, which I read in my mid-twenties and used as the main framework for the book I published a few years later about my life’s journey up to that point in time. While Campbell is inclusive of several cultures outside his own, he deliberately makes reference to African mythology as being “mumbo jumbo” (Ford, 2000, p. 12). Ford (2000) eloquently details how there are thousands of languages and distinct population groups within Africa that all have unique history and mythology, and he shares much of what he has discovered through his lifetime of learning and researching such stories.

One such mythology and symbology that arises from the Kongo, dated to before the invasion of European influence and Christianity, which bears striking similarities to both the medicine wheel that has been credited to many Indigenous groups in North America, and to the hero’s journey. Our blind acceptance of exclusion is a cruel act that keeps us in the delusion of separation. Yes we are all unique and it’s important to honor our differences, but the equal and opposite truth is that we are interconnected and have more in common than some may realize. 

I am mindful that nothing is all bad nor all good, and when something is labeled as good that does not automatically mean that it’s opposite is bad. The more we can step out of this dualistic way of perceiving the more information and wisdom we will discover. A lot of good has come from science, and there is value in taking time to research, yet this must also include multiple avenues of research and an understanding that we each come with our own biases that impact how we see and what we look for. 

Once I finished reading Todd’s (2019) article yesterday, I began reflecting on some of the impactful experiences I have had around my dreams, and then had such an interesting series of dreams last night. I am going to share a few dream-focused memories that stood out to me throughout my life, and will conclude with my dreams from last night. 

As a child I had a recurring nightmare that started with myself and a group of kids, some of which I recognized as my cousins, in our unfinished basement in Vancouver, and two adult strangers holding knives. The adults yell “go,” and a game of hide and seek begins. The first kid found is bludgeoned through the head with a knife, spun on their axis, and somehow turned into a fleshy conehead. Sheer terror shakes through me, and then suddenly the scene changes where I am now on the driveway of my home, yet it appears to be floating in space. I look out at the sky, somehow a horizon is here, yet still the sense of being disconnected and floating in the ether. There was always one person there with me, someone who remains indistinct yet I am not deterred whatsoever by their presence. We look around in the now calm and quiet scene, and while I am on the driveway I am also out of my body and looking at myself and this other person. I had this dream for years.

Looking back on this dream now I have some new lenses to see this through. The terror I experienced in the first half of the dream was so overwhelming that it is as though it catapulted me out of my body and into a vacant and distant space where harm wasn’t near. With all the work I have done to understand the nervous system and the impacts of trauma, this dream now stands out as a recurring traumatic incident that was seeking resolution, and instead continued to re-traumatize me in my dreams. 

I began smoking copious amounts of weed as a coping mechanism in my early 20’s, and for almost 10 years either did not dream or simply had no dream recall upon waking. As I began to focus more on this unhealthy relationship with cannabis I began to go through spurts of smoking less and occasionally stopping altogether for a week or two, and I would experience intensely vivid dreams. It felt almost like a water spout had been blocked and suddenly re-opened to have huge waves of water needing to be released and cleared. 

In 2021 I stepped into a Buffo (5meo-DMT) ceremony, a plant medicine that blasted me into connection with Source and gifted me an embodied experience of how surrender leads to heaven and resistance leads to hell. I had a similar dream for seven days after. I found out in conversation with a friend when sharing these dreams that when one takes Buffo they are often visited by the medicine in the dreamscape and it is referred to as “night school.” My night school was a progression from night one to six of dreaming that I had ingested the medicine again and was in a public space. I recall resisting the medicine, feeling all kinds of embarrassment, rejection, worry, and fear as the medicine moved through me. On the seventh night, I dreamt I was again in a public space, and the most people around me then any of the previous nights dreams. I ingested the medicine and surrendered. I fell to the floor with a group around me watching, and I felt peace, acceptance, allowance and trust as I convulsed in the hands of the medicine’s will. It became a beautiful and nourishing scene as those around me watched in awe, as I was more immersed and open to what wanted to happen moment after moment. I remember waking from that dream in awe. And night school seemingly concluded as I did not dream anything like that again. One of the surprising results of this Buffo journey was a sustainable change in my addicted relationship with cannabis. It is now something that I can be around without compulsively needing to ingest, and I often go several months without partaking in at all. In fact, I now have a much more respectful relationship with cannabis, as I have also experienced its therapeutic properties as I occasionally engage with it in ritual for creativity or deep rest. 

Another fascinating dreamscape experience was something that transpired soon after my Buffo journey. For many years prior, I would have an occasional dream that involved playing basketball. What these dreams had in common were intense frustration as there would always be something that hindered my ability to play or to enjoy playing. Some common ones were a feeling of running through molasses, or the inability to complete a pass as everytime I tried I would turn it over somehow, or miss layup after layup. It was frustrating, and felt like stagnant energy. A month or two after Buffo, these dreams shifted. I remember the first night this happened, and how satisfied and fluid I felt. I now play the best basketball I ever have in my dreams. I feel a sense of flow, joy and connection as I pass with ease, have agency in my vision and movement, and hit almost every shot. This has been such a pleasurable change in my dreams, to the point that sometimes I wake up and feel eager and excited to go shoot hoops that day. Something I haven’t experienced since High School, before the trauma of my mental health struggles impacted my ability to play the sport I loved so intensely. 

Now on to last night’s dreams. 

I went to bed very early, 8pm. I had not slept well the night before and with being ill, it was clear my body needed sleep. However, with congestion, a cough and a fever, it was difficult to find enough comfort and ease to fall asleep. I tossed and turned quite a bit before falling asleep and woke up several times. What stands out to me most upon reflection is how I felt when I would wake up. The last feeling I would have before falling asleep was relative discomfort as I focused on one aspect of my experience that was undesirable, and I would wake up with a sense of integration, joy and ease. 

My dreams were vivid, strange, and included a lot of extended family. My grandpa McCue passed away a few weeks ago, and he was alive in my dream yet the way we all talked with him and about him it was as though he was planning or knew he was going to pass the next day. (Interesting to note as well, I just was reminded this morning that today is my grandpa’s birthday. So his visit in my dreams is landing with even more emphasis and intrigue.) He was in a wheelchair in my dream, and much fuller and buffer than I have ever seen him (which he loved hearing us point out to him). He was responsive and smiling, and it felt so good to see him in this state. 

Much of the dream was spent inside a Mormon church, as my Grandma had booked it all day for gathering and celebrating. While much of this dream, upon reflection, was nonsensical in regards to the actual events taking place and the jumping in and out of various scenes, the common thread was there were visceral moments of frustration followed by resolution. Something would happen that I didn’t like for whatever reason and my first reaction was judgment and being bothered. And then something would shift inside of me and I would realize I was not a victim without any choice. I could say something or create a boundary or simply pause and see more of what was here now. From there the scene would evolve in surprising and interesting ways that always led towards a deeper connection with the people around me and a visceral experience of interconnectedness. I would awake after these moments of resolution and have a feeling of a broader perspective and as though I could sense the many threads of the present moment as alive, dancing, supporting each other, and weaving together to create what is. As I write and feel these words, I am reminded that this is very similar to what I saw and felt in my Buffo journey when I reconnected with Source. 

Last night however, this feeling of interconnectedness would become more obvious to me as it dissipated. The more I woke up, the more that feeling would wither and my perspective would shrink and narrow onto a feeling of discomfort. Yet, as this happened several times throughout the night, the echo of what I kept being opened to remained present more and more. This reminds me of a notion that I have heard many times before, that there are multiple maps or ways of knowing, and when we can place them together, we see a more full/whole picture of what is true. One of my teachers and friends, Chirstine Wushke articulates this so eloquently when she uses the example of a map of a certain space or location. You can have a map of the streets, roads and paths in an area, but there is also a map of topography, and geological maps, political maps, weather patterns in the area, and how the land has changed over time, etc. All are true and important aspects of knowing that space. And when you place them on top of each other, you may discover something that any one of those individual maps could not expose. 

The last part of my dreams last night that I want to conclude this post with, is a moment where I was standing and looking down at my feet. I was reminded by someone, a voice, that I don’t need to know everything about my lineage. I began to slowly walk backwards, watching my feet move with calm and a sense of trust. The voice reminded me, knowing myself more clearly as I walk backwards in time will gift me what I am looking for. It was another moment of feeling the interconnected threads of everything. As I reflect on this moment in my dream I feel as though this was the exact message I needed to hear. I have felt like I am at a bit of a standstill when it comes to learning more about my lineage. I suppose there is a sense of overwhelm here, like it’s too big of a job. But now I feel less pressure, less of an expectation to know everything, and more trust that I can curate a few maps, a few timelines, and then place them on top of each other to see what emerges within the interconnectedness.


References:

Campbell, J. (1968). The hero with a thousand faces. Pantheon Books. 

Ford, C. W. (2000). The hero with an African face: Mythic wisdom of traditional Africa. Bantam. 

Strings, S. (2019). Fearing the black body: The racial origins of Fat Phobia. New York University Press. 

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11

Presentation and reflection - Week 5 of my practicum

On Monday I presented phase 1 of my practicum project to an audience of professors and students from the University of Calgary, most of which are in the Faculty of Social Work. I recorded the presentation and have attached it here for anyone who would like to watch it as well. Many aspects of this project have illuminated more clearly for me from this presentation and the discussions, feedback and reflections I was privy to afterwards. While this is a project that in many ways is centering me, an equal truth is that it requires collaboration, openness and agility as I try things on and allow myself to be changed in relationships along the way. At the heart of this project is the belief that we are interconnected and to know ourselves we must include and know others. 


“Self Realization is a process of radical inclusion” (Bhambra, 2014).


This week, in the aftermath of this presentation, I have focused on sitting with the conversations, feedback and questions I received to ensure that I add clarity to what needs more attention and consider what is changing in my approach and framework as a result. One comment that I have really enjoyed sitting with was from my friend Hayden who attended the presentation. She noted that this appears to be an autoethnography of an autoethnography. I love this so much. Another aspect of the snake eating its tail. With that in mind, as I continue in this process of writing and creating this autoethnography with an open book mindset for others to follow along and be a part of the creation, this blog post serves the purpose of sharing some of the reflection and questions from those who witnessed this presentation, and my responses as I have had a few days to steep, simmer and explore. Before I dive into that, I also wanted to share a more personal aspect of this journey that has arisen this week. 

While the framework and structure of this project will continue to evolve as I explore, research and experiment, phase 2 of this project is focused on diving into my psyche and beginning the work of mapping out my system and coming back into relationship with parts of me that have been wounded and separated in a myriad of ways as a result of colonization. Not surprisingly, I realized that there was a bit of comfort for me as I focused on the cognitive aspect of research, creating and delivering a presentation, and once I passed that threshold I noticed some resistance inside. A part of me is worried and fearful of what I will find inside. With an audience and a commitment to share my experience, a part of me clams up with the thought of what if I uncover something that is unbearably shameful or embarrassing. I observe myself begin to spiral through protective mechanisms (i.e., get busy, avoid, and stay focused on the cognitive) as I touch into deep wounds around not being good enough, fear of hurting others, fear of being rejected or abandoned, and in some ways, a fear of being seen as a monster.  

 

It has been helpful to name this, share it with others, and remind myself that in order for me to approach my system and lead to real change, I need to slow down and ensure I am engaging with the many layers of affected parts. Similar to change in organizations, when one change is being attempted, it is vital that the whole system is set up and ready for change as well. Change doesn’t happen in a silo because we are interconnected. With that being lit up in my system I am reminding myself to be patient, tender and courageous. I am ready to venture inwards.

Now back to the exploration that came from my discussions after the presentation:

Land Acknowledgement correction

An important update to how I presented the land acknowledgement. A couple of the participants pointed out that Calgary no longer has a Metis region, and instead has been split into two Metis districts. District 5 is Calgary Nose Hill and District 6 is Calgary Elbow. 

What is the goal of research?

An interesting inquiry arose in the discussion after my presentation regarding the quote I shared from Dr. Sima Barmania (2017), who, in the words of her mentor, said: “the research does not change anything; it’s the research that changes you”

Is this true? I was lovingly challenged on this. One of the professor’s remarked how powerful it is to witness someone’s research and how that can lead to a change in the individual who observes or partakes in someone else's research. With kind regard, my presentation and research was used as an example. In sitting with this, I realize that I misrepresented this quote in service of centering myself in this work and my intention to focus on change within me rather than telling or trying to change the outside world. Of course research can be a catalyst for change in those outside of the research. When I look at this quote through that lens, I see that is what is being communicated already. Our focus in research is not to change the world, it is to see the world more clearly, as it already is. In doing so, we change ourselves as the observers, the participants, and then the world around us changes as we are the change makers. 

Contradiction or two truths?

What may first appear to be a contradiction could also be an invitation to broaden one’s perspective to hold more than one truth simultaneously. There are a couple of these in my project that are worth spending some time fleshing out. 

In 1949, Niels Bohr shared what he referred to as an old saying regarding two kinds of truth. He said, 

“To the one kind belongs statements so simple and clear that the opposite assertion obviously could not be defended. The other kind, the so-called “deep truths,” are statements in which the opposite also contains deep truth” (1996).

Or as I like to re-phrase, sometimes the opposite of a profound truth is another profound truth.

What is being spoken of here is the wisdom of nondualism. Rather than choosing between “this” or “that”, nondualism teaches both/and. A philosophical concept from ancient Indian wisdom. In sanskrit nondualism is advaita, which translates as “not two” (Shila, 2022). And, an antidote to black and white thinking that has been accredited to white supremacy culture (which I will revisit later on in this post) (Okun, 2023).

On that same note, a potential contradiction illuminated as I expressed that white supremacy culture is both being blindly followed as well as being an intentional “power play”. It is both. A complex mix that will, depending on the person or context in which we are viewing White Supremacy Culture, could tilt more towards deliberate harm, while other situations could be seen as an unconscious collusion. And it is possible that, considering our internal multiplicity, both can be happening simultaneously. 

One of these nondual invitations appearing as a contradiction is the concept of how I grapple with centering myself while also acknowledging that I do not want to center a white voice in this arena of decolonization. Something I have found helpful to understand this is by using an organizational culture framework I fell in love with several years ago called Holacracy (versus Hierarchy). According to Gibbons (2019), this is a managerial framework that takes ultimate power out of the hands of a select few, and into an agreed upon rule set or “constitution” that all participants of that group or organization follow, including those traditionally in charge. 

Why I thought of this framework is because of the way I envision it in my mind. What starts as a triangle, the pyramid of the hierarchy, blasts out into a 3 dimensional sphere of interconnectedness, with agreed upon rules that guide relationality at the center. Depending on the context and the perspective being viewed from, the center is both in flux yet fixed on guidelines. From this framework, it is possible to understand how every part of this sphere is at the center occasionally, and rightfully so. Rather than a fixed image or a narrow scope from one perspective, there is movement, change, and the shared experience of being centered in this centerless center -  Buddhist concept (Huberman & Harris, 2023). Another aspect of the Holacracy I appreciate is the adoption of a rule-set or constitution that provides structure for this interconnected sphere that is uniting for a common purpose and shared goal. 

The holacracy I am imagining into existence is one that has a constitution that leads to deconstruction of colonial consciousness. This requires a shift away from what has been fixed at the center so that this interconnected sphere can come back into its healthy movement where everyone has the right and opportunity to be centered, seen, and considered as integral parts of the whole. I am centering myself in this phase of the project, and I am also very aware that I am not The Center. 

The dangers of stagnant labeling 

I stand by the importance of being mindful about using labels that create a fixed or stagnant box for something to fit into. I have felt a profound shift in my own parts (and with clients) as we have taken the time to focus on strengths, gifts, and good intentions, rather than jump to labeling the part with the trait it deploys for protection. I mention this briefly in my presentation with the example of shifting my language around “self critic” or “self sabotage” to refer to a part that uses self criticism as a protective tool in service of generating motivation or achieving high expectations.  

This sense of relationality (i.e., displaying understanding) feeds into a critical mass of safety. With that connection, we can support the part to shift its role from something that is maladaptive towards something that is supportive for the system. When I consider this process in the outside world, and how defensive and triggered folks get around the label of white supremacy culture, I am pausing to wonder how we might approach this differently. 

What could that mean or look like when it comes to white supremacy as a label? This is something I am sitting with and I do not have a clear stance on this yet. Is there room to consider a more broad and inclusive term that white supremacy culture is pointing at? Is white supremacy culture the root of the issue or is that also a symptom of something else? Would I be doing a disservice of any kind if I referred to colonial consciousness without using the label of white supremacy culture? When I think about colonial consciousness as a toxin that has infiltrated our internal systems and indoctrinated our internal parts, I wonder if referring to white supremacy culture is a subset of that phenomena. The term or concept White Supremacy was coined to describe what had been accepted as normal for far too long. It is pointing at something that needs to remain in our awareness as it is influencing us in more ways than many of us realize. Perhaps this is something we can re-label as a collective once we have made significant headway in our cultural and systemic change.

My Why

In the introduction portion of my recording I made a comment about how this work is central to my earlier life experience, yet I neglected to make that connection explicit. This is an important piece as I want to reiterate that I am not trying to convince anyone to step into this work and that means I am not trying to articulate why this is something you or anyone else “should” be interested in. I do want to be clear on my why though. 

What I was alluding to was that my mental health struggles grew in intensity until I learned to slow down, breathe, feel, and turn towards what was arising. What I came into contact with was a deep discomfort of being in my body, a polarization internally between a part of me that fears missing out yet equally fears being included, an illusive black hole that holds a complex mix of fear, shame, and loneliness, and a part of me that is terrified of that black hole and flails to get away from it. My theory is that this “black hole” is the wound “of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against” (Drichel, 2013). It is this mix, or constellation of parts, that I am referring to as being intoxicated with colonial consciousness, and in which I intend to focus on, deconstruct, repair and unburden, and map out in this next phase of the project. I desire to be as whole and healthy as possible, and to lead with my heart more and more in life. To liberate this constellation of parts feels like my path towards this goal. 

I am committed to no longer blindly colluding with colonial consciousness, and that requires that I see it, that I observe it in my actions, thoughts, and belief structures. As my awareness of this infliction in my psyche grows, I can then deconstruct it, I change how I respond to it, and I can replace it in my system with something else. Through this repetitive commitment I can create change from the inside out. 

Project title

Lastly, as I mentioned at the start of this presentation recording, the title of this project continues to evolve as I get more clear on the precise wording that captures what this is. One day after this presentation a fellow student in my MSW cohort sent our class an article titled The Future of Healing: Shifting From Trauma-Informed Care to Healing-Centered Engagement (Ginwright, 2018). I was immediately intrigued. I have read several articles regarding Ginwright’s model of Healing-Centered Engagement since then and feel the alignment. This model speaks to the very same aspects of a trauma-informed approach that I highlighted as important and as risks. With healing-centered engagement we have stepped out of colonial language and potential misunderstanding of the trauma-informed approach.

Ginwright (2018) explains:

“A healing-centered approach is holistic involving culture, spirituality, civic action and collective healing. A healing-centered approach views trauma not simply as an individual isolated experience, but rather highlights the ways in which trauma and healing are experienced collectively. The term healing-centered engagement expands how we think about responses to trauma and offers a more holistic approach to fostering well-being.”

According to Cardesa (2021), “Healing-centered engagement offers a generative framework and language for responsive and humanizing trauma-informed leadership and pedagogical approaches.”

With healing centered engagement there is an emphasis on strengths, on healing as a collective, that we all have experienced trauma, not all trauma is created equally, and recognizes “culture as a central feature in well-being” (Cardesa, 2021). This includes understanding cultural and systemic oppression and how the intersectionality of oppression impacts people differently. 

While this post may have served to add clarity and context to pieces of this project that required more attention, I also recognize it included lots of new and deepening questions as well. And for now, this feels complete. 



References:

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414.

Bohr, N. (1996). Discussion with einstein on epistemological problems in atomic physics. Niels Bohr Collected Works, 339–381. https://doi.org/10.1016/s1876-0503(08)70379-7 

Cardesa, C. M. (2021, June 9). Moving to healing-centered engagement: Reimagining trauma-informed leadership. Dr. Cecilia M. Cardesa. https://drceciliacardesa.com/traumaventure-blog/moving-to-healing-centered-engagement-reimagining-trauma-informed-leadership 

Drichel, S. (2013). Towards a “radical acceptance of vulnerability”: Postcolonialism and deconstruction. SubStance, 42(3), 46–66. https://doi.org/10.1353/sub.2013.0034.

Gibbons, P. (2019). The Science of Organizational Change: How Leaders Set Strategy, Change Behavior, and create an agile culture. Phronesis Media. 

Ginwright, S. (2018). The Future of Healing: Shifting From Trauma-Informed Care to Healing-Centered Engagement. Medium

Huberman, A., & Harris, S. (2023, January 1). Using Meditation to Focus, View Consciousness & Expand Your Mind. Huberman Podcast. other. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Research in progress blog (2017). BioMed Central Ltd. https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/bmcblog/2017/06/05/the-research-does-not-change-anything-its-the-research-that-changes-you/

Shila. (2022, March 10). Advaita Vedanta explained - philosophy of non-dualism. VedicFeed. https://vedicfeed.com/advaita-vedanta/ 

Project title - Week 4 of my practicum

I find a lot of solace from the reminder “it gets worse before it gets better.” There is so much wisdom in this phrase. It alludes to a necessary aspect of progress that feels like a crisis. In order to heal - to come back into wholeness and connection, we first have to look at what is causing pain, what has been separated, so that we see ourselves more clearly and come back into a relationship. Our wise adaptive systems are self-organizing and when some part of us is suddenly getting a lot of attention and releases what it no longer needs, space is created, and the rest of the system now has to adapt and re-organize - a metabolically expensive process that can be, at least initially, destabilizing. 

Why would I begin this post in this way? As I continue on this journey, I am so grateful for the support. resources and psychoeducation I have access to that calms my internal storm as I forge new neural pathways. I still have work to do and am noticing more than ever some parts of me that have been the “trickiest” for me to access in productive and sustainable ways. But I have so much hope and excitement about this project and am able to persevere because of the internal and external support I am privileged to feel. 

With that, I am also excited to get further along in this project. I have spent the last month setting the stage, building the structure needed, highlighting the paths to be explored, and intuitively taking it slow before fully diving in. This week’s post is the last piece of what I have come to call phase One. My project’s title still needs context and definitions so that you, dear reader, have a better grasp of what this container truly is. 

An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.

I have already explored the concept of the autoethnography (see this post for a refresher), so let’s explore what comes after that.

An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.

Journey

In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says, “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13). The wisdom of the circle has been arising for me more and more, and the symbol of a snake eating its tail has been a common visual that I see when envisioning, thinking and articulating details about this project. To me it encapsulates the layers, the multidimensional aspects of our shadow self, resonance and frequency acting like a magnet and a mirror, and the potential for confusion. How easy it is to get caught in the protective impulse to point my finger outwards and settle comfortably in victim consciousness. This work is about catching that blame and projection and turning back inwards towards myself to get to know the hurt that is being protected. 

When connecting with a friend who is allowing himself to fall into this work and the confusing aspects of learning and traversing a new landscape that is seemingly invisible until it’s not, I said to him that this blog will serve the purpose of adding some training wheels onto the bike being constructed to traverse through this realm that is deconstructing as we ride through it. We are building a bridge as we bike across it, and these training wheels will add some stability (that’s the goal at least).

I invite you to continue on reading with that visual in mind, and to make note of any other visuals, symbols, sensations, metaphors or ideas that appear for you.

An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.

Trauma-Informed:

Definitions and context are vital for effective communication that brings us into connection. Our words both carry and create meaning, which are influenced by the visuals and sensations that arise from individual experiences and current understanding. Let’s start with what I am referring to when I speak of trauma. Linklater (2016) makes the important note that “trauma” as a term originates from the Western world, and for many, implies a pathology that the individual is responsible for and does not include “the broader systemic force caused by the state's abuse of power” (p. 22). For Linklater (2016), more accurately and holistically speaking, “trauma refers to a person's reaction or response to an injury” and, expands to include O’Neill’s (2005; p. 75) work who writes “in traumatic situations, all those integrated components of the embodied response - arousal, attention, perception and emotion - tend to persist in an altered and exaggerated state long after the specific danger is over" (p. 22).  

Similarly expressed by Dr. Gabor Mate (2022) who says, "Trauma is not the event that happened, it is the impact of that event which is the disconnection from ourselves”. Founder of Somatic Experiencing, Peter Levine (1976), says trauma is an occurrence "when a person encounters a real or perceived threat, and is unable to initiate or complete and discharge the threat arousal sequence in the brain and Autonomic Nervous System". In other words, trauma is, essentially, accumulated stress that does not exit the organism, preventing it from returning to a physiological baseline. This accumulated stress is archived in the body, and remains there as a constant undertone communicating the wounds of “a chronic disruption of connectedness” (Porges, 2021). 

What I hear in these wise conceptions of trauma is the notion that what does not get processed, released, and guided back into wholeness and connection, remains as intense balls of energy that are constantly ringing an internal alarm of danger. When I refer to a “trauma-informed” approach I am expressing the need for us to retain a general understanding that we all have experienced various forms of trauma throughout our lives that are stories and unconscious rememberings of danger when in connection, and when these traumas remain unprocessed in our internal systems, they are protected in creative ways. The appearances of aversion, aggression, denial, dissociation or disinterest, are all actions that serve to both protect from a deeper wound, yet also replay the injury of disconnection. This happens to ensure we navigate the world with a lesson learned from the traumatic experience(s) that states "never again!" Our wise body seemingly separates that event in our psyche as if it is a frozen moment in time (i.e. the exile - see this past post on Internal Family Systems for more context) so that it sits just outside of conscious awareness yet it’s traumatic energy and the beliefs it creates about ourselves, others and the world is foundational in every moment. And it remains that way until the support and resources are available to be with it in the way it needed at the time of the original wound so we can release it, update it, and reintegrate.  

When an internal unprocessed trauma is touched, we tend to be overwhelmed with big feelings that leave us in a vulnerable state, and in need of loving support and care, potentially the love and support and care that we needed and didn’t receive at the time of the traumatic event(s). When we are unclear on how to offer that support to ourselves, or when we are in the presence of another who is unclear and unequipped to be with these big feelings, we learn to shove these feelings back down and intensify the impulse to protect these feelings from coming up and out again. 

So, to be trauma-informed is to not only understand that this is a natural process of protection we all have, it’s also impetus to learn skills of engaging, teaching, and holding space for ourselves and others so that big feelings can be met with love and guided to be processed and released, creating space for more loving presence and coming back into safe connection. This requires that we are mindful of the language we use when engaging in sensitive subjects, as well, develop deep patience and curiosity so that when others’ protective mechanisms are deployed, we can see them for what they are and stay in loving connection as a way to increase safety signals and invite them back into the conversation without adding fuel to their protective fire. 

With that said, I come back to one of my foundational tenets in how to operate within this framework, and that is to be Heart-Centered with compassion. Where I find compassion difficult is where I must spend time researching, engaging and unblending so that I can move forward with an expansive compassionate lens. One such place I was finding it difficult to be compassionate was in the realm of white-bodied folks who deny the existence of white privilege, or in the more extreme case, are actively engaging in a white supremacist agenda. 

As I sat with this I became curious about how I could approach this with a trauma informed lens. And one direction that arose was to explore what happens when I consider that white-bodied folks were colonized before they began being the colonizers, and have been traumatized and brainwashed to believe that many of the tenets of White Supremacy Culture are their own culture. More on this to come!

Additionally, my experience with nervous system regulation has come in handy as I engage in this project. When we include the conversation and understanding of the window of tolerance, and the importance of recognizing how to decrease danger signals and increase safety signals, we are creating tangible structure and clarity in a realm that can be quite overwhelming otherwise. More on that to come too!

Let’s move on to the next piece of this practicum project's title. 

An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.

Postcolonial Approach:

The theory and approach of postcolonialism is nuanced and riddled with arguments for and against in regard to its efficacy in dismantling coloniality. For the scope of this project, I will share what stood out to me when learning about this approach and why I have chosen to include it. 

Postcolonialism assumes that what was created in colonial times (i.e. art, literature, foundational practices and systems of society, etc.) from the perspective of coloniality is inherently racialized and continues to directly feed into the colonial narrative (James, 2014). As a theoretical procedure, it is employed to “interpret, read and critique the cultural practices of colonialism” and “how the optic of race enables the colonial powers to represent, reflect, refract and make visible native cultures in inferior ways” (James, 2014, p. 1).

When I wield postcolonialism with trauma-informed and deconstruction of the colonial self from the inside out, I am guided in some integral ways. 

  1. Postcolonialism is a “politic of transformational resistance to unjust and unequal forms of colonial practices” (James, 2014, p. 1)

  2. Postcolonialism furthers the agenda of anti-colonialism (James, 2014, p. 1)

  3. Postcolonialism perceives through the lens of strategic essentialism, which recognizes anti-essentialism and an anti-hegemonic view of identity (i.e. privileging differences and plurality over sameness), yet invokes essentialism at opportune times to bridge differences and create categories for understanding (James, 2014, p. 6)

  4. Postcolonialism is tasked with pausing to recognize how the “other” or the “native” is represented in inferior ways, and how representation holds power (James, 2014, p. 6)

  5. As an important strategy within the postcolonial approach, re-interpretation and re-appraisal are necessary as we deconstruct what we have taken to be true (James, 2014, p. 6)

When I consider my project, postcolonialism informs me regarding the ways to approach deconstruction. 

  1. When the postcolonial lens is directed inwards, I am guided to be intently curious to deconstruct my implicit biases that represent the “other” in inferior ways

  2. As I explore my internal relationality, I am curious to notice power dynamics that include a sense of “power over” as potential parts that have taken on the energy of the colonizer (i.e. perpetrator consciousness)

  3. To shine a compassionate light on how my system took on beliefs that perpetuate colonialism, I must explore the historical context of my ancestry. This includes re-looking and re-thinking about my history with colonization so that I am including the “other” in my understanding of my identity (Bhambra, 2014)

  4. I must continually engage in new dialogues with “others” and ensure I am not perpetuating a Universal or essentialist claim that highlights the voices and perspectives of Eurocentrism or Individualism without inclusion of the “other” (Bhambra, 2014)

An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.

It is important to acknowledge that there are conflicting arguments in this field that express criticism towards the ineffective relationship between postcolonialism and deconstruction. Drichel (2013) explores this dynamic and exemplifies that while deconstruction is especially well-suited for understanding and dismantling colonialism, it also has a tendency to trigger fear and reactivity within the postcolonial field. A problem arises when our good intentions are clouded by a reactive internal system, we revert back to habitual ways of doing things, which often includes furthering the colonial agenda. Referring to the work of Micheal Naas, Drichel (2013) denotes that deconstruction is always referring to the self or autos, and as such, he goes on to say, 

“deconstruction cannot but rekindle latent memories of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against…in other words, my suspicion is that what postcolonialism’s conflicted relationship with deconstruction is about, at heart, is its own unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all cost.” (p. 49)

Resmaa Menakem explores this theory in depth in his book My Grandmother’s Hands (2021). This was the first book I read that connected internalized trauma with the colonial history of harm we all carry in various ways. Menakem focuses on compassionate education to understand the "virus" of white-body supremacy inflicting us all, the need for change on the inside and outside of dominant power structures, and the importance of communal experiences to release stored trauma and come back into a healthy relationship with each other. Abolishing institutions or systems is not enough, we must abolish racism and trauma in our bodies.

As a white-bodied social worker, I can take the suggestion of Resmaa Menakem (2022) and create space for white-bodied people to come together to build a culture around reckoning with generations of trauma and systemic and internalized racism, as well as building capacity and antifragility around racialized topics of conversation. Using somatics, Menakem educates and guides participants to recognize generations of trauma that resides in black, white and blue (police) bodies, and the necessity to come back home to our bodies so we can stop brutalizing each other and participating in systemic racism (Menakem, 2021).

This offers me two important reminders:

  1. One of the constellations of parts I am curious to get to know inside of me has had an experience of a “colonial shattering of identity or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself” (Drichel, 2013) and the reactive defenses that protect it. I am assuming my inner flailer is a part of this constellation. 

  2. Second, this also reminds me how easy it is to slip back into old ways of doing things, and even an agenda to deconstruct colonialism from the inside out, if being approached with fear or an activated nervous system that has been triggered into a defensive stance, can be furthering the colonial agenda. 

It is vital that we understand these defensive strategies and have principles and guidelines in this work that will support the process of continuing to pause and ensure that our highest self is leading the way. Circling back to the trauma-informed approach within this work, we are reminded of the necessity of recognizing the trauma we call carry, what triggers this trauma, and how to continually increase safety signals and decrease danger signals so that we can stay the course.  

Drichel (2013) summarizes and expands on Freud’s analogy of trauma to highlight another aspect of this work, both detailing why it is so difficult as well as the powerful potential that awaits. Freud compared the individual to a healthy cell, both contained as an individual yet also open to interaction, wounding and recovering, or in other words, living. When trauma occurs, the cell reacts initially by creating a stronger or thicker crust around itself as protection. If that protective shell remains, what started as a vital part of recovery begins to make the cell sick. Akin to an autoimmune disease, as the body attacks itself, a recurring over-reaction to a threat, a trauma, that no longer is happening, yet the cell is defending with the belief “never again” and this becomes the cell's demise. 

So, what is the antidote?

A trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out

It starts here, with me (with yourself). 

“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (Owens, 2023, p. 55)

While the work begins on the inside, it is helpful to have a pulse or rhythm from internal to external, and a supportive space with other people who are in this work together. In experiential learning and dialogue we can create change. With the framework and context set into motion, we can approach these inquiries from a place of curiosity, inviting this heart-felt energy to flow into the stagnancy of the “old way”. Ally behavior and action-oriented practices deconstruct the embodied markers of colonialism through self-exploration and compassionate listening, both of which are not possible when the nervous system is activated in defense (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). When we feel and bare witness to aversion and denial, my hope is that we will slow down, take a patient and smooth breath (Brunette-Debassiage, 2018), and turn towards the part of ourselves or others that is in need of unconditional love and understanding.

Deconstruction requires a collaborative effort, frameworks that add clarity and direction, and more people who are capable of sitting in discomfort. May we remember to recognize the interconnection between intrapersonal and interpersonal, and come to see that how we interact with ourselves and the world around us has the potential to change the entire Universe (Wilson, 2019).



References:

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414 

Brunette-Debassige, C. (2018). From subjugation to embodied self-in-relation: An Indigenous pedagogy for decolonization. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp. 199-228). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863

Couture, J.E. (2005). “Aboriginal healing programs and plans: Cornerstone teachings and concepts.” Unpublished manuscript.

Drichel, S. (2013). Towards a “radical acceptance of vulnerability”: Postcolonialism and deconstruction. SubStance, 42(3), 46–66. https://doi.org/10.1353/sub.2013.0034 

James, R. (2014). Postcolonialism: A brief overview. Academia.edu. https://www.academia.edu/2662908/Postcolonialism_A_Brief_Overview 

Lawrence, S. M., & Bunche, T. (1996). Feeling and dealing: Teaching white students about racial privilege. Teaching and Teacher Education, 12(5), 531–542. https://doi.org/10.1016/0742-051x(95)00054-n 

Levine, P. A. (1976). (dissertation). Accumulated stress, reserve capacity, and disease

Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College. 

Mate, G. (2023). The myth of normal. Random House UK. 

Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True. 

Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal safety: Attachment, communication, self-regulation. W.W. Norton and Company. 

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. 

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.



My parts - Week 3 of my practicum

This week was riddled with awareness regarding parts of me feeling uneasy with this path I am on, some deep realizations around this discomfort, and access to what feels like one of my oldest (or shall I say youngest) parts that I have come to know as the one who flails. 

In order to provide context and a framework to follow as I talk about these parts of me, I will begin this post with a description of Internal Family Systems, as this is the model of practice that is informing much of the work I am doing. 

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS was developed by family systems psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz in the early 1980’s as a response to hearing clients refer to “parts” of themselves in complex relationships that mirrored external family dynamics (Simon & Schwartz, 2021). This led Schwartz to categorize three behavioral types of parts as managers, firefighters and exiles (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Exiles are the young and vulnerable parts that have been partitioned off from the rest of the internal system as they carry the sensitive and heavy emotional burdens from trauma and attachment wounds. Both managers and firefighters serve as protective parts that are trying to maintain balance, safety, and order within the system, which includes keeping exiles separate, isolated and out of conscious awareness (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Managers use logic, over-thinking/over-analyzing and control as they try to hold everything together as their protective strategies, while firefighters use more drastic, harmful, and impulsive measures to keep the emotional pain of the exile out of conscious awareness (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). 

This model of practice teaches how to inhabit the internal space of the Higher Self in order to turn towards these various parts inside with compassion, patience and understanding to help them update their roles, release what they have been holding onto, and regain a secure attachment environment within one’s system (Simon & Schwartz, 2021). The Higher Self is affiliated with one’s innate spiritual essence (Janes et al., 2022) and serves as the internal attachment figure for parts to come back into a healthy relationship with (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). 

…Back to my parts

This week started with recognizing a part of me that feels rushed to get things done, and worries that there is not enough time, and as I sat with that I could also feel a stance or perspective that I am not enough or will not be enough. This hum of anxiety leads to impulses to drink more coffee, to plow through a to-do list, an occasional pull to dissociate and turn off, and a looming desire to both clear parts of my schedule as well as fantasize about days in the future when I have fewer responsibilities and how good that will feel - all impulses from managers and firefighters trying to avoid the discomfort of the exile energy. These are all very familiar reactions and thoughts and impulses, and I sat with them with curiosity.

One important insight that has come from this patient inquiry and willingness to feel without condition is that I am more aware of a part of me that feels as though she is in a constant state of flailing. I have sensed this part for as long as I can remember, but have not had the tools, words, patience or resiliency to turn towards her in a consistent and meaningful way, because it feels very destabilizing. She generally stays deep beneath other parts, protected well, yet when I slow down and turn inwards I can feel her there. She is the one who took over my system for several days when I had an existential crisis in my early 20s as my protector parts were in shock and lost their ability to keep this flailer in exile. I mention her now because I have a strong sense that she is connected to a trauma of separation, perhaps many generations of intense separations, and my hunch is that she will be who I need to reconnect with and help release what she’s holding onto as I move deeper into how coloniality is living in my tissues.

While I am not ready or resourced just yet to support this flailing part of me in the way she needs, this has led me to some important reminders around self care to ensure that I am on a sustainable path. This includes weaving the threads of joy, love, patience, presence and hope into each moment. To me this is one of the important ways that I lead with my heart and practice a heart-centered way of being. And this is at the core of why and what I am doing with this practicum project. The heaviness of this work is what causes so many to burn out or lose their way in what began as an intentional devotion to liberation of self and others. It is not easy to sit in discomfort and turn towards parts within that carry wounds and stories of trauma and the protective patterns that were developed to steer clear of those wounds and trauma. Yet I also recognized more clearly this week that what I am turning towards are feelings that have been with me for longer than I can remember, and that either attach to things happening in my life to make sense of their feelings, or linger in the space within me without clear reason and cause other dilemmas as I react to protect or shut down due to the intensity and energy requirements to manage it all. While the spotlight is on more consistently right now, it is not creating more issues internally, I am just more aware of how these parts impact everything I do all day long. What a gift of an opportunity this is.

With that, I was reminded through some heartfelt conversation and mindful reflection that I need to ensure I am engaging in heart-felt activities throughout the week to keep me connected to the goal of living more heart-centered. As I will reiterate throughout this project, when we decentralize something we need to be mindful and intentional of what we are re-centering. And in this work I am suggesting we are re-centering our heart over and over again, which leads to connection, deep wisdom, and a flow of energy that is intelligent beyond measure. 

According to Godden (2017), leading with love is a “radical epistemology” that challenges the systemic competitive nature of patriarchal systems that we unconsciously carry and see acted out in our environments (p. 414). As allies, to lead with love is a reminder to slow down and see the multitude of parts that are operating within every person’s system, and seek to understand their fears and pains that are the fire beneath words and actions that are harmful (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). 

When I am heart-centered I lean into connection, to play, and to wonder. I look for joy, I relax into laughter, and I reflect with curiosity and a deep desire to reduce harm in this world. I am attuned to the wisdom and nourishment of rhythm through movement, bouts of effort and surrender, breath, eating, and the vitality of being aligned with circadian and ultradian cycles. At the core of heart-centeredness is the tenet of relationality. While there is no pan-Indigenous way of knowing, a common thread is the view that everything is relational, and, therefore, malleable in its co-construction (Wilson, 2019). Relationality speaks to our interconnectedness and that by turning towards something (inside or externally), welcoming what’s here from the heart leadership of the Higher Self, we can be guided by the inquisitive prompt “what kind of relationship do I want to have here?” A heart-centered relationality is one that is expressed with love, compassion, and a deep desire for wellness for all. 

I recognize that remaining in a compassionate and heart-centered relationality with some folks who are expressing and behaving in harmful or dismissive ways is not only difficult, it can also be quite controversial, and at times dangerous. I am not here to suggest that we stand back and allow harmful actions to continue, and in fact, at times a warm welcome will also include clear and fierce boundaries in regards to what is okay and what a healthy relationship looks like. I am suggesting that there is a way to enhance our ability to see beneath the harmful actions and access compassion as we recognize the pain, suffering and lack of support and resources that are perpetuating individual and collective issues. As Brene Brown says, “people are hard to hate up close. Move in” (2019). 

My supposition is that this path of exuding compassion towards others with a heart-felt understanding and skill-set for disarming defense mechanisms in order to lean into connection will occur more naturally when we first focus on doing this work internally. 

If that is where we are headed, how do we get there?

A trauma informed postcolonial approach to deconstructing the colonial self from the inside out

Next week I will break down this title to offer the context and relational understanding needed to grasp what this mouth full of a title means to me. 





References:

Brown, B. (2019). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Random House. 

Godden, N. (2017). The love ethic: A radical theory for social work practice. Australian Social Work, 70(4), 405–416.

Janes, E. E., Trevino, Z. R., Koehl, H., & Hung, Y.-H. (2022). Internal family systems and spirituality: Implications for supervision. Contemporary Family Therapy, 45(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09625-2 

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press. 

Simon, T., & Schwartz, R. (2021, August 19). No bad parts. youtube. Retrieved October 15, 2023.

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.






Autoethnography - Week 2 of my practicum

This has been an interesting week, as it was full of facilitation opportunities (one on one and groups) which are an ongoing part of my Somatic Breathwork and Yoga business. Additionally, my Grandpa McCue died a few nights ago, which brought up many deep reactions around my familial relationships and very young parts of me that needed me to tend to them in ways that required a considerable amount of energy.

Friday morning was the first time this week I could slow down to review and integrate the notes I had been gathering. This allowed for fruitful reflection, practice, and capturing of insights and curiosities, as I explored some ideas around what it looks like to incorporate more of a social work lens within the current facilitation that I offer. At this point that looks like being even more intentional with inclusive language, as well as curating experiences that lead to a broader understanding of the cultural burdens and collective traumas of systemic racism that influence us all in similar and unique ways.

I have begun to think about my practicum project as a container that I am inviting people in to experience, and the steps that are required to create a clear connection to what and why this container exists, why someone might choose to step into this container with me, what tools and guidelines I suggest for navigating within this container, and what potential outcomes I am hoping to co-create and discover. I enjoy approaching this project in layers, and multi-dimensionally; creating the framework for presentation, reflecting and writing about the process of creation, moving through the framework myself to do the work, sharing openly about what I am learning, working towards larger presentations and facilitations, and generating several modes for organizing the data to share it through multiple platforms and in multiple ways. This feels so fascinating and deeply integrating for me. 

One of my main goals for this week was to gather contextual definitions of each concept that is a part of my project’s title. I am envisioning a video presentation of this project that I will share on youtube, as well as a few live presentations over the next few months to share what I am working on and invite others into the process with me (for feedback as well as participation). As I near the end of this week I am feeling more clear and aligned. 

I figured that a great purpose for this second blog post marking the second week of my practicum could be the descriptive breakdown of what an autoethnography is and why I chose that for my methodology. 

The working title for this project is an MSW self-directed practicum as an Autoethnography of a trauma-informed post-colonial approach to deconstructing colonialism from the inside out. Quite a mouth full. 

Here we go, let’s start with what an Autoethnography is:

According to Ellis et al (2011), an ethnography is participatory and relational as a qualitative methodology for a researcher to “study a culture's relational practices, common values and beliefs, and shared experiences for the purpose of helping insiders (cultural members) and outsiders (cultural strangers) better understand the culture” (p. 3).

When we add ‘auto’ to an ethnography, the researcher is now engaging in self-reflexivity to include the study of their “past experiences, point of view, and roles” as impacting their observations as an integral part of the research process (Poulos, 2021, p. 4). Through writing about their self experience in contact with their research, this helps “illuminate the many layers of human social, emotional, theoretical, political, and cultural praxis” (Poulos, 2021, p. 5). 

As Poulos (2021) succinctly summarizes: 

“[A]utoethnography is a qualitative research method that: 

1) uses a researcher’s personal experience to describe and critique cultural beliefs, practices, and experiences; 

2) acknowledges and values a researcher’s relationships with others; 

3) uses deep and careful self-reflection—typically referred to as “reflexivity”—to name and interrogate the intersections between self and society, the particular and the general, the personal and the political; 

4) Shows people in the process of figuring out what to do, how to live, and the meaning of their struggles; 

5) balances intellectual and methodological rigor, emotion, and creativity; and 

6) strives for social justice and to make life better” (p. 4).

As such, the method of the autoethnography “is both process and product” (Ellis et al, 2011, p. 1), which feels very aligned with how I have learned to facilitate and integrate. 

Why I chose an Autoethnography approach:

The wise Maya Angelou (2009) expresses the importance of this work with her words:

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” 

Autoethnography utilizes an invitational approach through story-telling and vulnerability, both of which are powerful ways of sharing and learning, as well as being strongly aligned with Indigenous ways of knowing. 

As the renowned Audre Lorde so aptly depicted in a speech in 1984, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” In order for me to engage in deconstruction of colonialism from the inside out, I am resolutely aware that the tools I use and the mindset in my approach need constant reflection and consideration. As Ellis et al (2009) describes, the relationality and reflective nature of the autoethnography is a method that resists colonialist research tactics that are authoritative and extractive. This aspect of the method is imperative, as I am aware of the possibility of blindly using colonialist methods while attempting to engage in decolonizing work. The more vulnerable I can be throughout this process, the more likely it is that I will notice when my tools being employed come from white supremacy culture or someone else will be able to offer me that feedback. 

“We are strongest when we are allowed to be vulnerable - with ourselves and each other. White supremacy culture does not allow for vulnerability. And that is a tragedy for us all” (Okun, 2023).

Additionally, the autoethnography inherently involves collaboration, sharing, and discussing, which are safe-guards as I continue to see what I may be currently blind to. This also supports my understanding that what I am engaging in is not brand new, nor am I the only one who has attempted and is currently engaged in this work. This project is my contribution as a blip within an arena that is ripe with creative activities and curious seekers who are in the process of learning and practicing deconstruction of colonialism. The more collaborative I can be in this journey, the more I will be supporting and learning from others. 

Lastly, autoethnography is an academic method that provides me with a framework to create a “formal” paper for presentations at conferences, which will lend to my goal of expanding my social work network, and build my embodied experience of this work in a way that will further my agenda of being a sessional instructor at Universities so I can share this and continue developing it. 

I can collaboratively build this house for you to experience along with me, and I can open the door and give you a guided tour. But only you can choose to step in.

“When someone isn’t ready to be free, forcing them to do the labor of awakening becomes an act of violence. We can neither drag people to freedom nor scare them, manipulate them, intimidate them, or use one of our favorite collective techniques - yell at them on social media - to get them to freedom” (Owens, 2023, p. 32).

Until next week, xo


References

Angelou, M. (2009). I know why the caged birds sing. Ballantine Books. 

Ellis, C., Adams, T. E., & Bochner, A. P. (2011). Autoethnography: An overview. Historical Social Research, 36(4), 273-290. https://doi.org/10.12759/hsr.36.2011.4.273-290

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979)

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True. 

Poulos, C. N. (2021). Writing autoethnography. Essentials of Autoethnography., 31–50. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000222-003 


How it started - Week 1 of my practicum

This has been a big week.

I officially started my practicum on Monday, and I would describe the start as fairly overwhelming and chaotic. This is something I am familiar with at the beginning stage of any new project, and for that reason I was able to lean into it with trust that it won’t be like this forever. In fact, this is an important and necessary part of creation. As I opened myself to the gravitas of what my practicum was becoming, I soon realized two things:

  1. This feels more like my life’s work than just a practicum. It was apparent that a vital aspect of these first few days was to distill down my scope to ensure I was focusing on a realistic goal for the next four months. And I believe I have narrowed that down to a place that feels exciting, realistic, uncomfortable and on purpose.

  2. I was coming up against a familiar and impulsive reaction inside of me that says “more, more, more". I realized that while it is true that chaos and discomfort are to be expected and welcomed, what was also true was that I was approaching this project from the colonial mindset of “do more”, “more is better”, “compete!” and “prove your worth.”

And so, I slowed down. I have a lot to learn, and right now I have more questions than answers. While it is important that I have clear directives, measurable goals, and standards of practice that I uphold and adhere to, I also want (dare I say ‘need’) to lead by example in what this process truly looks like and feels like. I choose to believe (and for that reason I see proof of this everywhere) that….

  • What’s true on one level is true on all levels

  • Yet I also hold space for Niels Bohr’s insight that often the opposite of one profound truth is another profound truth

  • And, how you do one thing informs how you do everything.

How I engage in this process of research matters to me just as much as what I am researching. I am inspired by Shawn Wilson who writes in his book Research is Ceremony (2019) that our research serves the purpose of building a closer relationship with the idea or topic of our research. Or as Dr. Sima Barmania (2017) shares in the words of one of her mentors, “the research does not change anything; it’s the research that changes you”.

With that said, for the next four months I will be developing a facilitation framework and content for practitioners to engage in the work of deconstructing colonialism (i.e. the wounds, the beliefs, the protective mechanisms, etc.) as it resides in their body and psyche. The working title for this project (at this point) is….

A trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstructing colonialism from the inside out

One of my next steps is to create clear contextual definitions of the concepts in that title and what it means when they bridge together. Additionally, as I create this framework and content, I will move through the process myself as this is what will change me. I have a couple of parts in me that are still carrying some “isms” and biases that I am ready to explore, learn from, and update.

And so, as I embark on this practicum, I thought a good place to begin (other than what I have shared above) would be to share a little more context regarding how I got here. This will be a part of the blog series that I will create along the way. Rather than sharing a huge amount at once, and knowing that I will be adding and editing this story as my research unfolds, I will post a few paragraphs at a time that will be released weekly or bi-weekly.

Here is how it started…..

I have been facilitating breathwork, yoga, somatics and Internal Family Systems for several years. These are modalities that supported me in my own healing journey and continue to foster leaps and bounds of growth in my personal and professional arenas. In the last four years, as I stepped into medicinal journeys with psilocybin and other plant medicines, I began to recognize my increasing capacity for love and care, and a yearning to enhance my ability to step into more spaces as a practitioner. 

As I contemplated going back to school, my first step led me to consider a master’s in psychology counseling. I consulted with a few psychologists about my current passions and direction, and heard over and over again that it was worth pursuing a master’s in clinical social work instead. 

I was admitted into the MSW program at the University of Calgary which started in May 2023. The start of my MSW journey was wrought with discomfort and inspiration as I learned more about the impact of colonization historically and present day, and the decolonization movements within Indigenous and other equity deserving populations that are equally admirable and complex. I was overcome with a desire to play a role in this important work of dismantling our current system, and as bell hooks (1996) so wisely encourages, to do so with love at the foundation, both in the action that dismantles dichotomies woven within the colonial culture of domination, and as an anchor to hold onto as dismantling will temporarily cause a loss of what is currently the ground our systems rely upon. As a future clinical social worker who strives to bridge the micro and macro, to lead with love is a reminder to slow down, to peel away the layers of the incessant and internalized ideology of a culture founded in white supremacy (White supremacy culture, 2023). As well, to see the multitude of parts that are operating within every person’s system and seek to understand their fears and pains that are the protected beneath the fire of harmful words and actions (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). I found myself occasionally on my soap box pointing outward with suggestions and accusations regarding how others needed to change. My “new found clarity” was being projected onto others with an agenda to educate and convince.

My dad is someone that I deeply respect and was able to engage with during this growth phase of finding my feet within the social justice realm. He imparted some important wisdom that I have come back to often since our conversation in the summer. He said that anytime he senses an evangelical angle in a conversation, or the sense that someone is trying to convince him of something, his guard goes up. Aligned with what I have been taught with IFS, I realized that I had been doing a lot of pointing outwards and was reminded to U-turn that finger back in towards myself, and continually take responsibility for the change I desire from the inside out. 

to be continued…..

References:

Barmania, S. (2017, June 5). “the research does not change anything; it’s the research that changes you”. Research in progress blog. https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/bmcblog/2017/06/05/the-research-does-not-change-anything-its-the-research-that-changes-you/

hooks, b. (1996). “Contemplation and Transformation.” In Dresser, M. (Ed.) (1996). Buddhist 

women on the edge: Contemporary perspectives from the western frontiers, 287–92. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.


White supremacy culture. (2023). What is white supremacy culture? https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/what-is-it.html

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

New Year - Deconstructing Colonialism from the Inside-Out

I begin my first practicum as a Masters student in clinical social work in January. There were a few options regarding the type and structure for the practicum, one of which is called self-directed, for those who desire to create their own structure/project with the learning goals of the practicum in mind. Being a creative and motivated individual, I chose this route as I am curious to explore and expand on a project I have been developing over the past several months in my studies. The working title for my practicum is “How to deconstruct colonialism from the inside out.” Over the course of the next several months, I intend to share my personal journey in creating this project and the formal resources that come from it. Part of that journey begins here as I sit on the threshold before the new year and share some preliminary thoughts and structure that is in place to support the process. 

As a Canadian born, white-identifying, cis-gender female, I have become equally absorbed in the process of decolonization and cautiously uncertain regarding my role in engaging in this work. I recognize that decolonization is an important undertaking for populations that were and are directly colonized, and I am mindful that I do not want to center myself in an arena that is not about me. I decided on an autoethnographic project to research, experience and share a respectful path for deconstructing colonization at the individual level as an important step that supports the broader goal of decolonization in our larger systems. 

Along with education and understanding of what deconstructing colonization from the inside out means and why it is important, I am playing with the idea that re-centering the heart is the embodied path to bring theory into embodied reality. We are formed in utero as heart-centered beings, born into a patriarchal colonial culture that domesticates us to prioritize cognition as the highest form of knowing. Ancient wisdom systems point us to the practice of re-centering the heart as this form of leadership is collaborative, inclusive and healing. To be heart-centered is to be right brain dominant, rather than the common left brain dominance of comparison, competition and black and white thinking. Cognition without heart-centered leadership is misguided, short-sighted, limited, and leads to imbalance and inequitable power systems. Additionally, cognition without heart-centered leadership leads to over-thinking and over-breathing as negative feedback loops, pulling us further from the intelligence that awaits within the awakened body. When we practice re-centering the heart and surrender into the rhythms of breath and movement that strengthen the neural pathways that connect heart to brain, we create the conditions necessary to feel what it is to be aligned and centered at our core. 

As part of this practicum, I am honored to have five monthly workshops, starting February 24, scheduled at YogaMCC Bowness (workshops will be posted by mid January). This series will embody steps for exploration with the intent of guiding participants through education, reflection, intention, interoception, and meditation for the creation of new neural pathways that liberate us from the various perils of colonization. I decided to set up each workshop with a focus on one of the koshas, which in ancient Indian philosophy is a map for experiencing layers of our being. I subscribe to the belief that colonization resides in our tissues in various ways, like a virus that has taken hold and thrives through our inattention and unconscious allowances. With the koshas, we have a slow and methodical journey to explore how the virus of colonization has taken hold in our bodies, along with supportive guidance to let go and create a new way of being. While these workshops are created as a series, they will also stand alone so that participants do not have to attend all five for a cohesive experience. 

I look forward to hearing your questions, your ponderings, your ideas and insights, as this journey is meant to be collaborative. I would love to have your participation in any way that feels good for you.

Decolonizing ME

I have developed a wonderful and humbling habit that I learned from the Internal Family Systems model. Anytime I feel the energy of, or notice explicitly, pointing my finger at something outside of me as an issue or problem that needs to be “fixed”, I engage in a ‘u-turn’ and point that finger back in at myself. What this does is continually redirect my blame or judgement from an external source (and ultimately something that I cannot control) and come back inwards to my internal environment as something I can take responsibility for, learn from, grow through, and change from the inside out.

My latest u-turn came from my inquiry around decolonizing somatics, as I have been sitting with a feeling of “too much” gravitas and noticing an energetic quality of pointing outwards. While I know, and feel, the importance of continuing in that direction, I had the sense that I was trying to leap to the middle of a journey and was missing some foundational steps that would help me get there. When I turned my finger to come back to me, what I realized is that it is first and foremost my duty to decolonize myself, my psyche, my body, and how I show up in the world. I trust that in doing so, the ripples of such work will set me up to engage in the collaborative efforts of decolonization.

As I get to know my lineage more, my ancestors, my roots, my unique wounds and my unique gifts passed down for generations and crafted in my unique experience and place in the world, I will have the space and understanding to engage in the same due diligence with the practices I benefit from that are not directly apart of my lineage. I lean back in time with nothing but gratitude for the many pioneers who developed various healing modalities, forged in the fire of rituals that connect with Source, and I am humbly open and present to these gifts as they move through me now. I bow to each person I work with as they are the true experts of their experience, and I am immensely appreciative for the wisdom of mindfulness and presence that allows me to balance, stay and play in the place where knowledge meets unknowable.

“The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house” - Audre Lorde

To decolonize myself I must be more clear on what that truly means. I need to understand the energy, mindsets, fears, and devastation that colonizers engaged with to build the culture and society that we still live in today. I need to see myself more clearly and recognize the thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, emotions and actions that entrenched in colonization. And I need to immerse myself more in the resources, history, and relationships of those who are racialized, those who experienced and experience colonization, and spend more time listening and learning.

I am not here to bully, or aggressively educate, or to shame anyone into stepping into this kind of work because that defeats the purpose of this work. I am here to take responsibility for myself, lead by example, express and educate from and with love, and expand my container so that others can willingly choose to step into this work in their own way and with an open heart. 

I am open and eager to hear or receive any resources or ideas you have to share with me, and I will share more as this project takes shape.

Thank you.


Decolonizing Somatics

White-Body Supremacy Virus

Resmaa Menakem is a somatic abolitionist social justice worker and author who has had an immense impact on my life. As an activist, Menakem emphasizes that social justice focused change needs to happen on the inside and outside of institutions, as well as a dismantling of white-body supremacy that festers inside our body’s like a virus. In his book My Grandmother’s Hands (2017) - which I highly recommend - he highlights that there are various forms of trauma residing in all of our bodies from generations of brutality towards each other (including white-body against white-body before the development of race and racism). He remarks that unless we do the work to release the trauma - which he astutely calls the white-body supremacy virus - stored deep in our tissues, we will continue to point fingers of blame, create larger chasms of division and othering, and protect our own hurts by hurting others.

I recognize that for many white-bodied people, conversations (or the topics in general) around racism, structural/systemic racism, privilege, reconciliation and decolonization feels heavy, uncomfortable, and overwhelming, and often brings up feelings of shame, guilt, deflection, and bewilderment regarding what to do about it. This cascade of emotion is routinely followed by frustration, anger or resentment, and intense self-protection and defensiveness with sentiments like: “why should I feel guilty about something that I didn’t actually do? I am one of the ‘good ones’!” or “how long do white-people have to feel guilty and ashamed before the system balances out?” or “there are so many variations of privilege, why are we focusing on white-privilege?” or “I shouldn’t have to feel guilty or blamed for being born a white person!” or “I don’t have privilege! I have suffered and struggled through life too!”

Sound familiar?

I invite you to pause, breathe, and stay with me……

I have grappled with these reactions in myself, and I have heard countless other white people around me express similar questions and statements.

I recognize that there are many different markers of privilege, and this focus on white-privilege is not meant to negate the existence or gravity of these other markers or the intersectionality of each individuals’ existence. I am a Canadian, able bodied, neuro-divergent, white, middle class, grad level educated, tall and slender cis gender female in a supportive relationship without children. I have markers of privilege while I also have markers of disadvantage, and depending on the context, where I am in the world, and who I am engaging with, these markers can also shift on the spectrum from privilege to disadvantage.

What I have come to learn is that these strong reactions around guilt, shame, frustration, overwhelm, anger and defensiveness are not just arising because of the conversations and challenges we are facing around race, imbalance in power, oppression, and reconciliation, these are deep emotions (or parts of ourselves) that are being touched and triggered during moments of discomfort and are torpedoing to the surface. A foundational aspect of white-privilege is a belief that we have a right to be comfortable, and if something is making us uncomfortable we can reject it, rationalize it, push it away, ignore it, or vilify it, so that we can settle back into our status-quo and “comfortable” existence. Racialized, marginalized and systemically oppressed people do not have that luxury (or privilege).

We must learn how to stay in the discomfort, soothe and calm the parts of us that get rattled and feel blamed or judged as “bad,” and recognize that transformation, connection and healing happens when we can listen, validate, and apologize without taking on lifetimes of shame and guilt. Validating, listening and supporting others as they share hardship and rightfully ask for respect, equity, inclusion, and opportunity is not meant to be a personal attack on your worth or value as a human being. If you have felt that way, or noticed a big inner wall arise when discourse on race, privilege, oppression and reconciliation have been broached, what if you paused and looked inward to see what fears and wounds in you need your love and attention?

Decolonizing Somatics

Part of my own reconciliation process is continually slowing down to recognize where I am blindly participating in systemic racism, and as soon as I am aware, I vow to do better. As a somatic practitioner, I very recently realized that ‘somatics’ - as a field of practice - was coined with the intention to Universalize multicultural bodymind healing modalities. However, the “Universal” language of Latin is used which is Eurocentric, and actually erases multiculturalism while centering white-ness. Additionally, ‘somatic’ is meant to be a “catch-all” referring to the intelligent healing systems of embodiment through movement, dance, breath, drumming, music, sound, martial arts, tuning into sensation, ceremony, and ritual, that come from wisdom lineages in Africa, India, Asia, Latin America, and Indigenous cultures from around the world. Many “modern” somatic schools and teachers that have been labelled as pioneers in this field will mention their multicultural “influences”, yet the accolades and the pioneer-status is awarded to the European and North American teachers who synthesized and repackaged what has been taught and practiced around the world for generations.

To decolonize somatics, we must re-center the cultures and teachers who are the true pioneers, and ensure that as we practice and as we teach, that we continually learn and remain open, as well as give credit to where credit is due. All of which will lead to inclusivity that honors and deepens our integrity and our connection to our Universal roots.

I recognize that this is an ongoing process and this is just the starting point. I have a lot to learn, a lifetime of reconciliation ahead of me, and a bounty of knowledge to gather and steep in.

With awareness comes responsibility. I know I will make mistakes and I will accidentally be the cause of harm. All I can do is commit to learn, listen, and honor the medicine and growth of the repair when I become aware of a rupture. My hope is that as I engage in this important process of dismantling the white-body supremacy virus that I was born with and ingested blindly for most of my life, you will step into this cauldron of transformation and growth with me.

Below are some resources to check out to support you in your own re-discovery of what decolonizing somatics looks like.

Books

My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem

Healing Justice Lineages by Cara Page and Erica Woodland

Diverse Bodies, Diverse Practices: Toward an Inclusive Somatics - edited by Don Hanlon Johnson

Articles

Notes for Decolonizing Embodiment by Ben Spatz

What’s in a Name? Somatics and the Historical Revisionism of Thomas Hanna by Lindsey Drury

Shifting and Changing through my MSW education

I have completed my first two semesters of my Master of Social Work education at the University of Calgary, and I already feel an immense awakening accompanied by the continual excitement and gratitude to be on this journey. Social Work as a profession has a deplorable history of being conduits of harm under the guise of good intentions and “helping”. Welding the racist, ableist, healthist, oppressive and patriarchal beliefs and power structures of a society that excludes, punishes, and vilifies. It has been important to reckon with this and build more awareness and capacity to sit with discomfort and recognize that my positionality places me in the category of a long line of people who acted from “saviorhood” and caused more harm, and continues in many ways to cause harm. It has been humbling, exhausting, and liberating to be immersed in this conversation and education around what needs to change within social work and how we need to be that change.

One of the big realizations this has led me to is the importance of community and collective healing, and the various ways that needs to be facilitated depending on the group, communal trauma history, and intention of the gathering. There is clearly a need for more community and spaces where we can gather to learn, grow, listen, collaborate, support, and lead together, and this is something I am feeling called towards.

If you are curious to learn more about what is possible when we come together in groups, I invite you to check out my two upcoming offerings.

The Collective Exhale

Somatic Savvy for Anxiety & Depression

Doing group work is one way that we can all push against the colonial and patriarchal sentiments of individualism, capitalism, competition, othering, and pointing to blame. It is in community that we can reckon with the parts of us that have been abused and have been the abuser. Within each one of us there is an internal family of parts that have been wounded (for generations) and we can create positive change by learning how to hold space for ourselves and for others. We foster change with love, patience, understanding, and compassion, and we build new structures of power when we rally together to cultivate resilience for hard and important conversations, and see through the abuses that have kept us unconsciously shackled.

I would love to be in this work with you.

xo

Marin

A new chapter begins....

Last summer I began the process of applying for the Master of Social Work program at the U of C. Many months of waiting to hear the news was followed by a disheartening email in March that I had not made the cut and was instead being put on the waitlist in case a spot happened to open up. Three days before the waitlist closed, and two weeks before the program officially starts, I received an email with surprising news that I had been accepted. I had already gone through a grieving process as I felt this dream of stepping back into school with such drive and clear direction was not in the cards for me after all. And now, here I am on the eve of my first day of school.

There is so much about this upcoming journey that I have fallen in love with and feel so grateful and humbled to have this opportunity. My first round through University was not something that I could categorize as inspiring. I was mentally unwell and was counting down the days until I could be done with that chapter in my life. This time I am centered, healthy, purposeful, eager, and moving forward with over a decade of rich experience that will surely weave nicely into this path as it unfolds.

Why MSW?

The MSW program is something that was not on my radar until mid 2022. I had been contemplating where my thirst for knowledge and development would take me next, and had been continually drawn towards an accreditation in psychotherapy or psychology counselling. As I networked and asked questions of those at various milestones on a similar path I was considering, I was introduced to the idea of pursuing an MSW as it led in a similar direction and had a more expansive, inclusive and relevant structure that aligns with what I have learned and experienced to be most effective and needed.

Social Work is focused on systems thinking, recognizing that you cannot pathologize an individual without taking into account their culture, their history, their environment, their family, and society at large. This is a complex and multi-faceted model of support that strives to empower and lift others up so that the true healing reaches further and longer than one event or relationship. The resurgence of social justice and reconciliation is deeply embedded into the transformation happening within the social work realm. The more I learned and experienced in conversations, research and now in Orientation sessions for the program, the more I feel myself settling into this direction as if it fits like a well worn glove.

I have often described myself as aspiring to be a bridge for others as I am skilled at listening to various perspectives, empathizing from my vast experience with mental health struggles, and showing up with compassion to the plight of the human condition. And now I also sense that an MSW is a bridge. It provides the knowledge, relationships and practice to understand, navigate and work with those who live more in the analytical world of government, rules and regulations along with the individuals and communities who are impacted by societal norms and structures in common and diverse ways.

For now I am planning to take in this experience and allow it to shapeshift me in ways that I see I need and in the areas I am blind to. I would like to have this be the gateway into a clinical practice where I can continue seeing clients and facilitate groups, and I am also open to the possibility that there is something else out there that has my name on it that I am not aware of yet.

I will take some time to occasionally distill my experience down into a blog post for those who have enjoyed what I have shared so far. And I am always happy to hear from you if you have questions or insights to share.

Off to school I go.

xo

Marin

Somatic Savvy for Anxiety & Depression

To be Somatically Savvy is to recognize the intelligence that IS your body. With this practiced skill of turning towards your own body with patience, we create space to slow down, learn, listen and allow the body to express in the various ways it needs to in order to reappraise, reorganize and release stored charges and stories.

At Yoga MCC, starting May 24, I will be facilitating an 8 week series to develop and practice self-regulating techniques that will deepen your connection to yourself.

One of the most important truths I learned on my journey of learning how to navigate my mind and body was the insight that while the mind and body are inextricably connected as one, they also do not share the same first language. Or, in other words, you can’t think your way through a feeling problem.

Somatic savvy is a series to teach you how stabilize, regulate and integrate what has become separated by slowing down and get to know the various ways your bodily systems store charges energy, express and communicate. To optimize this connection we must learn the language of the body and retrain the thinking mind to turn towards sensation with an entirely different mental model than what we have been using. Ultimately, this is integration of left and right brain hemispheres so that we can step out of the contracted and limiting space of a thinking mind that is constantly sensing danger and alarm, and open back up to our expansive essence that is far more than any one system in our body.

According to Steven A. Levine (founder of Somatic Experiencing), trauma is an occurrence "when a person encounters a real of perceived threat, and is unable to initiate or complete and discharge the threat arousal sequence in the brain and Autonomic Nervous System."

Put another way, Dr. Stephen Porges (founder of Polyvagal Theory) states trauma as “a chronic disruption of connectedness.”

These ruptures without repair are akin to flower petals that unfold from one end and become loose threads or stems waving in the wind rather than remaining whole and connected in their petal form. These loose threads leave the body in an activated state, and leads to a sense of constant noise, distraction, distancing or dissociation and an embodied experience of helplessness, congestion, confusion, and general dysregulation.

With the various somatic practices we will be engaging in you will learn and experience the process of repairing these stored ruptures in your bodymind as well as real-time protocols to self and co-regulate during future ruptures so that you can complete the cycle of charge to release and reconnect.

This class series will include topics such as:

  • Difference between bottom-up and top-down processing, and how to mindfully include and toggle between the two

  • Self-Regulation with senses, breath and vagus nerve stimulation

  • How to befriend your Nervous System

  • Moving from the inside-out

  • Guided Somatic Movement

  • Yoga Nidra

  • Mindfulness and Meditation

This is a hybrid offering so you can attend live or zoom in from the comfort of your own home space. I would love to share this experience with you. More details and link to register here

xox

Why learn Breathwork?

I have many conversations with people that start with a version of this question being asked of me, “why would someone want or need to engage in breathwork practices?” I answer this question differently every time because, ultimately, there are so many different practices or forms of breathwork that can be used for varying intentions, and there are many reasons why someone would start to learn and practice breathwork. Breathwork is multifaceted and intricately tied to the autonomic nervous system. In an attempt to clearly detail why I continue to practice and teach breathwork as the foundation of my business and personal self care, I have composed a list of SIX reasons, and some brief descriptions to elaborate. 

Reason #1:

Meditation has been touted for generations as an important and powerful practice for stress reduction, stress resiliency, improving mental and physical health, and potentially a gateway to a spiritual connection or relationship to something beyond the contracted individual experience. Recent research has now shown that engaging in breath focused meditation has been proven to be more beneficial than simply meditating without a breath focus. Beneficial in what ways? Improved mood, health, perspective shifting, and emotional balance. The reasons why for this are plenty, a few of which are described in the points below. One main reason to consider is the exercise breathwork provides for your respiratory diaphragm. This vital skeletal muscle plays a significant role in the healthy functioning of our entire body, and like many muscles, it becomes tight, weak and tired when it is not being exercised properly. 

A well-functioning and flexible diaphragm is the ideal as it is the main pump for the lymphatic system. During respiration, the movement of the diaphragm is what circulates and removes excess water and waste material (aka lymph) from the extracellular environment. Proper movement of the diaphragm with each breath supports lymph to be sucked through the bloodstream which improves detoxification and keeps cells in what is known as a "dry state." It is vital for cells to be in a dry state in order to engage in sodium and potassium exchange, as well as absorb the oxygen available in the body. The imbalances from poor oxygenation leads to the electrons within the cell to slow and stop freely interchanging with others cells, resulting in unregulated and abnormal growth, cell death and/or disease (i.e. cancer).The speed and strength of your body's circulation, communication, and restoration is highly correlated with the health of your respiratory diaphragm.


Reason #2:

With a deeper understanding of how to breathe optimally you can more efficiently guide yourself to calm during or after stressful situations, and guide yourself into an alert, focused and grounded state to heighten your cognition and improve your memory as you step into your next task or event. Your breath is intricately connected to your autonomic nervous system. The pace, quality, perspective and narrative in our mind is a byproduct of the nervous system state we are in. This gives us tremendous possibility and power as we turn inwards to befriend our nervous system. 

Imagine for a moment that your life experience is akin to adventuring down a wild and wondrous river. When you have an intimate relationship and understanding of your breath, you have the ores, the awareness, and the skills to navigate swiftly through the river of life. Breath literacy leads to the ability to stay centered, to navigate to the edges at will, to meet the rapids and come back to calm as soon as you’re through, to enjoy the lazy river moments with ease and bliss, to amp up your speed when needed or wanted, and to surrender to the journey with pleasure.


Reason #3:

As a form of exercise, various types and durations of conscious activation and down regulation leads to a more healthy, flexible, and adaptive nervous system as all systems in your body start to get back into the rhythm of effort and surrender, activation and regulation, stress and calm, energized and grounded, etc., the natural ebbs and flows of life. Health and resiliency can be measured by heart rate variability. With deliberate breath practice you are training your heart to meet life’s stressors and to efficiently come back to baseline as soon as the stressor dissipates. A well-functioning and flexible diaphragm is key to this phenomenon. The respiratory diaphragm attaches to the pericardium (the fascial sleeve inhabiting the heart), bottom of the lungs, extending out in connection to the xyphoid process, anchored at the six hanging low ribs, the first three lumbar vertebrae, and the psoas.

At rest, as we inhale (or inspiration), ideally, the diaphragm stretches and descends laterally and downward (think of an upside down bowl that stretches into the shape of a platter), which (among other things) pulls the heart and lungs into a larger form (causing heart rate to speed up). On the exhale (or expiration), ideally, everything that moved, lifted, stretched and expanded on the inhale has the time and support to come back to neutral, rest and release as the diaphragm glides upwards, heart rate slows down (this is the basic tenet of Respiratory Sinus Arrhythmia and Heart Rate Variability). This slow and collaborative movement is an important aspect of heart health as it provides much needed support for your heart so it is not bearing a bigger load than necessary. 

Reason #4:

Improving your heart rate variability has a positive impact on your physical, mental and emotional aspects of life as it strengthens your Vagal tone. The vagus nerve is a messenger that plays an intimate role in down-regulation via the heart, lungs, digestive tract and all major organs during and after activating events. As a cranial nerve, it starts it's journey at the brainstem, and wanders extensively and collaboratively from crown to tail, impacting our senses, our perception, our cognition, our facial expressions, our tone of voice, our heart rate and breath rhythm, our ability to digest and metabolize what we ingest and experience, and eliminate what the body no longer needs. A literal mind-body connection as the longest nerve in the body. It sends signals of safety after bouts of stress to communicate body-wide that the threat has passed, the survival system can relax, and healing and regeneration can now take the lead. When we have a strong and healthy vagus nerve we embody diverse flexibility as we regulate with ease and seek and sustain nurturing social contact.

Vagal tone refers to a healthy balance between sympathetic and parasympathetic activity, mediated by a well functioning vagus nerve. When the inhale leads to an increase in heart rate, it is the vagus nerve that has signaled more input from the sympathetic nervous system. On the exhale, it is the vagus nerve that signals the sympathetic chain to “quiet down” and heart rate to decrease. Psychologically, strong vagal tone shows up as stories of possibility, compassion, unity, and self empowerment. In this state we have access to courage, curiosity, a sense of calm, peace, and centeredness, patience, clarity, creativity, and confidence. 


Reason #5:

As you practice and experience the various states of your nervous system by way of consciously controlling your breath, you get access to more conscious control throughout your daily interactions. How is that? You improve your stress resiliency, which manifests as the ability to remain present for longer with your higher cortical functions intact. As well, by sustaining your focus on your breath while meditating, you are strengthening your ability to focus in general. This skill heightens your sense of presence and your sense of control as you can shift focus and sustain focus at will.  

By consciously slowing down your breath, as well as retraining your breath to come back to a slow rhythm unconsciously, we access space to feel what is here now. It is in that space that we can retrain our body's relationship to stress and step off the habitual negative feedback loop that swiftly moves us through sensation, perception, emotion, thought, and re-action. Rather than simply trying to cognitively repeat new thoughts or tell yourself what you need to hear or just rely on acting your way into a new way of thinking, we can interrupt this cycle at the level of sensation to create space for a new story and the possibility for healing, and new habits. This encourages intense emotions to be energy in motion that we can feel and breathe with until they release their grip (generally happens within 90 seconds) and a new perspective and plethora of possibilities will follow. If we access safety and create space and the ability to restore and recover, this sympathetic activation decreases (or at least stops escalating) and space opens for curiosity, appreciation, and calm connection.


Reason #6:

With mindfulness or holotropic-type breathing, the breath can lead us in therapeutic experiences of catharsis or the conscious reconnection with parts of ourselves that have been repressed or suppressed as we adapted to our individual and collective life stressors. When we lean into tension, stress, dissonance, or contraction in a conscious, chosen and supported way, we create space for even wider expansion when in restoration afterwards. 

It is vital to recognize that some (if not most) of your thoughts are not consciously chosen by you and cannot simply be ignored, pushed away, inverted to a positive and repeated incessantly, or negated out of existence. In fact, such practices are regarded as "spiritual bypassing" or suppression, which is akin to burying your garbage in your backyard until the toxicity and mass of junk builds to a boiling point. Instead, we must get curious about why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being, where our impulsive thoughts come from, and how to utilize our breath to expand our sense of self away from over-identifying with any one thought while simultaneously including, allowing, and embracing every aspect of who we are. Ultimately, our breath teaches us how to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to the conscious choice we desire.

When we sustain the practice of conscious connected breathing for more than a few minutes we move into the territory of what's called an altered state of consciousness. In this consciously activated state, the body will bring memories, sensations, thoughts and/or various defense mechanisms to the surface that are a reflection of moments in the past when similarly felt physiological activation happened and potentially became imprinted in your psyche. When we can oscillate in and out of these uncomfortable happenings, mindfully navigating to the edges of the window of tolerance and back to safety and regulation, we can change our body's relationship and reaction to such experiences, and potentially release them from our system entirely.

Interested to learn more? My next breathwork group offer (Collective Exhale), begins April 3, 2023. Space is limited.

If you are interested in one on one sessions, reach out to me directly at marinmccue@gmail.com




xo

Marin