My protective mechanisms have been strong this week. It feels like resistance to sit down and work on this blog, it feels like an anxious undertone that makes me uncomfortable in stillness, it feels like fear of not being enough, and it shows up with waves of brain fog and confusion when I start to think my way through what is causing this inner turmoil. All of which lead towards a strong push/pull towards dissociation and shutdown.
I am not surprised that I have been feeling this resistance, as the content of this blog post has brought me closer to parts of myself that prefer to remain unseen and unchecked. And as I near the end of this practicum, I am also feeling some internal pressure to finish this in a way that includes all the threads and loose ends that have surfaced or have been dropped along the way and weave them together in a coherent, flexible, considerate, and inspiring formation. While this desire to finish well makes sense and is welcome, I notice it has more intensity and fear in it since my system is already tipped towards activation and resistance (i.e. more danger signals than safety signals).
With that initial context laid out, as I sit here this morning, preparing myself to move back in towards what has become rattled, ready to read through my notes and formulate a coherent blog post, I feel proud of my patience and how compassionate and gentle I have been with myself this week. I have learned to trust the rhythm of my nervous system, my persistence in this work, and the importance of welcoming and nurturing what arises. That is how my system receives the safety signals it needs so that I can regulate after being dysregulated and either take action to repair what has been ruptured and/or go deeper into my psyche in a warm and welcoming way.
Another important piece I am compelled to share is that I am astutely aware of the important guardrail in this work that has been spoken by many equity deserving groups, which states: “nothing about us without ut.” I have been grappling with this as I recognize that the inner work I have been showcasing centers myself often, and is micro level work, which is valid and important yet certainly not sufficient nor complete. The framework I am working towards sharing is also not complete without authentic relationships with equity deserving groups in pursuit of mezzo and macro change. As I approach the end of this practicum, and sit with what I am learning, how I am feeling, and how to weave it all together in a way that fosters structure yet honors space for continued growth and exploration, I acknowledge that this work is not done, and in many ways this is just the beginning.
With that said, in these final couple of weeks, I see value in suggesting a framework or map that reduces cognitive load while practicing the habit of noticing bias or the protective impulses that surface during conversations that include oppression, privilege, race and the multitude of ways that colonial consciousness has impacted our internal and external systems to compare, judge, ignore and vilify the “other.” More specifically, how to stay or cultivate grounding and nervous system regulation in otherwise activating situations or conversations, so that understanding and connection can be prioritized (internally and externally). Noting the complexity of this content and of the human psyche at the individual and collective level, I recognize that seeking a simple framework needs to also include and honor this complexity, as there is no such thing as “one size fits all.” This led me to the dance between rigidity and chaos.
Rigidity and Chaos
I was reminded this week of a non-dual contemplation that is quite supportive when engaging in the work of creating new habits, seeing self more clearly (with radical inclusivity), and practicing harmony and alignment as a way of being, and that is the inclusion and balance of chaos and rigidity. Too much rigidity (i.e. structure, rules, containment, expectations, etc.) leads to atrophy as it holds tight to what is without the important input that comes from surrender, spontaneity, play and openness to novelty. On the other end of that spectrum, too much chaos (i.e. uncertainty, erratic energy, disorder, etc.) is exhausting and de-stabilizing, as we need some structure and predictability (occasionally) to organize and make sense of our experience, providing form for the performance of presence as living and breathing energy. However, the ideal is that these two seemingly opposites merge and dance together in balance so that a third entity of harmony and creative congruence emerges.
As an example of chaos and rigidity balancing in complex systems, neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett (2020) describes the evolution of the brain as a process that included continuous re-organization as it became larger and more complex over time. This reorganization process is one of “segmenting and then integrating” to become better equipped for the complex job it is required to do (Barrett, 2020, p. 19). I hear the echo in Daniel Siegel’s (2017) work that I highlighted in my previous post regarding integration being a process of differentiating and then linking.
Barrett (2020) uses an analogy in her work describing the brain as a complex network of airports, with some airports being small and supporting local traffic, while other airports serve as international hubs with the capacity for large and diverse amounts of traffic and connections. If we consider the path of an airplane to be an impulse of communication along a neuron, impacted in various ways by neurotransmitters and neuromodulators as the weather and traffic control staff, we can imagine the far-reaching impacts of weather changes, re-routing, familiarity or novelty in a travel path, as well as some airplanes travel short distances only and some “reach far across the brain and act as long-distance connections” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34).
A major hub for communication input and output is both immensely efficient as well as a potent spot of vulnerability, which is not a problem when this network is dynamic, adaptive, and continuously in flux (or under construction) in various ways (Barrett, 2020). When there is space, expectation and allowance for chaos, the rigidity of the structure is required to be more flexible and agile. Some changes happen fast, instantaneously, with the support of neurotransmitters and neuromodulators, while others are slow, by way of brain plasticity “and the flexibility of neurons with multiple jobs” (Barrett, 2020, p. 39).
“Brain hubs, like airport hubs, make a complicated system efficient. They allow most neurons to participate globally even as they focus more locally. Hubs form the backbone of communication throughout the brain” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34).
What I am finding interesting and helpful in this metaphor is the depiction of the most complex network we know of - the human brain - and the clear inclusion of both rigidity (i.e. structure, neural networks/hubs) and chaos (i.e., constant change, adaptability). This also provides some solace for me while I am in this process of intentionally deconstructing multiple flight paths and hubs in my brain, and unless there is some structure to support the re-routed path, it will revert back to where there is structure and support available. With that visual of how change works, I find it easier to access patience, repetition and persistence.
The framework is still under construction, and will be shared in my next blog post. In the meantime, I will pave the way there with a story of my recent experience in a hot-topic conversation related to oppression and “othering” and offer space for you to practice pieces of what will be included in framework along the way.
What Happened
This past weekend, I was in the kitchen puttering around getting ready to leave for the afternoon, and I heard my brother in another room ask my partner what he thought about the trans folks in sport conversation happening in the cultural lexicon right now. I felt my ears perk up, my temperature increase slightly, and I impulsively inserted myself into this conversation spouting off what I think about this balance between inclusion and fairness as I strolled into the room they were sitting in. The way I was responding (to this question that was not asked of me) had a lot of the “power over” energy, which I am hyper-aware of at this point based on the past several weeks of deconstructing this within myself. I was fired up. When my soap-box had a pause in it, my partner stepped in to share what he thought of the situation. I heard a narrowed-scope in his perspective that centered on the current status-quo of sports, that in my opinion, lacked empathy and compassion towards trans people in general. My temperature rose further, my eyes tightened and narrowed on my “prey”, and I jumped back in to “educate” him on how that common narrative he was perpetuating is harmful and not complex enough for this complex situation. My partner reminded me at that point that this was not a conversation that I had been invited into, and I became much more aware that my tactic to convince and educate was a perfect example of how not to engage in hot topics like this one.
My brother then turned towards me and asked my opinion on the topic. Feeling his calm curiosity I accessed mine with much more ease, as I said the ideal situation would be one that allowed a case by case discussion and openness to inclusion rather than a blanketed decision either way. I then said that perhaps the sport needs to evolve so that we can re-imagine what inclusion and fairness looks like. And in reflection afterwards I also recognized that this conversation was missing the important and necessary perspective of those intimately involved and impacted, and as bystanders expressing our personal opinions we were centering ourselves, once again, in an arena that requires a centering of those with the arrows pointed at them.
I apologized for being so dominating and became curious about that encounter as a point of reflection for me to examine, practice and repeat how I could have engaged differently to create a conversation that could have gone deeper and actually led to more understanding.
As I have shared in previous posts, my intention of discerning between “power over” and “right use of power” has led me to a few key reminders that I am in the process of reviewing and repeating so that I have access to them when I need them most. I recognize that in moments that I am triggered and my reaction has the energy of “power over” in it, I have a choice to slow down and access patience as I remember that “power over” signifies stuck energy. If I can be curious and elevate safety signals, I can open and trust the intelligence within and the space shifts into one that offers connection and healing. In my many years of consciously curating change within myself, I know that being aware enough to observe my impulsive reactions is vital, and then I must access a framework or step by step process that will help me make a new decision or respond in a way I have not responded before, and that’s when my habits truly start to change. In other words, I need a new route for this airplane to travel and maybe even a new hub for connections, and this requires some major deconstruction and construction.
Safety Signals
At the level of the nervous system, in order for connection to happen or to remain in connection, which is where change is possible, there must be a critical mass of safety signals present (Dana, 2021). Safety signals are being detected subconsciously through pathways that are constantly appraising the internal and external environment, including the space between or quality of relationships (Dana, 2021). As soon as the critical mass of signals lean towards danger (regardless of the objective validity of that appraisal) our nervous system is wired to narrow our perspective, seek safety and get away from danger, and enact thoughts and behaviors that have “worked” in the past, regardless of whether they are healthy or objectively productive (Dana, 2021). What tips someone towards a critical mass of danger signals is subjective, depending on their current tolerance and resilience, which fluctuates, as well as their past experience(s) (Dana, 2021).
Let’s use my scenario from the weekend as another example. When I was in the kitchen and overheard a question being asked, I immediately shifted into a hyper-aroused state (teetering towards a critical mass of danger signals) that narrowed my perspective and brought me into a defensive stance that included the energy of “power over.” How do I know this? Although I was not fully conscious of this at the time, it is easy for me to reflect and see that I did not feel curious about what my partner’s response would be, instead I had a one-track mind that said I must insert my opinion here and ensure that this conversation is led by what I have to say. There is no space for a conversation with that mindset. Naturally, with my energy coming in hot like that, my partner was also put into a defensive stance, and very quickly I was ejected from the conversation.
A fascinating aspect of this phenomena is that depending on the current levels of safety and/or danger being detected, that will also influence the way the current moment, and the stimuli present, is being perceived (Dana, 2021). For example, as I was activated this week I noticed that I had a fairly constant sensation like I was an injured baby bird that required delicate handling. This led to me being more distant and protected, less vulnerable with those around me, and quick to judge others’ comments or actions as disingenuous or too difficult for me to engage with fully. This is not how I always feel, and it was obvious to me that my system was filtering stimuli through a lens that was looking for danger and was ready to engage in behaviors of defensiveness or disengagement.
When there are more danger signals than safety signals present, we tend to repeat the same thoughts we have in the past, shunt energy flow away from the more creative and explorative aspects of brain functioning, close ourselves from connecting with those around us, and engage in defensive and protective behaviors of thought and action (Dana, 2021). Inversely, when there is a critical mass of safety, our nervous system relaxes enough to be open to new information and connection, and most importantly, we access a state where healing can occur (Dana, 2021).
So, with this in mind, how might I have engaged in this conversation about trans rights and the intersection with sport, fairness and inclusion differently? First, when I heard the question asked as I was in the next room, I could have paused to feel what was shifting inside of me (this elevates safety signals as we would not pause to feel if we were actually in danger), which would have allowed me to notice the stance of “power over” as it emerged. I could have paused with that sensation and met it with a warm welcoming as I breathed slowly, smoothly and rhythmically, with an intent to generate some regulatory energy (which increases safety signals). as a supportive rhythm internally). In this momentary centering of myself and my own nervous system, I then could have reminded myself of my intent to be curious, to seek understanding and connection rather than to convince anyone of my way. With that I could have expanded out to the centerless center (a Buddhist teaching) and the notion that the center is everywhere (as Tioakisin Ghosthorse (2021) shared) as I included others perspectives and experiences with, again, the intent to listen and understand (which is a form of Self-Compassion and more safety signals). The goal in these situations is to cultivate more understanding and model a way of showing up that invites others into connection and perspective shifting without force (which also impacts my ability to remain calm, connected and curious). People can change their minds, but it is not likely to happen or be sustainable if it is done with “power over”, and in any event, we are not deconstructing colonial consciousness and constructing a new way of being and relating if we use the same tactics that got us here (an echo of Audre Lorde’s (1984) declaration).
As practice, let’s explore this a little further together to see what can transpire with this burgeoning awareness around the qualities to embody in the space between impulsive reaction and heart-centered response.
Let’s talk about race
I have been exploring a considerable amount of research regarding the root cause and various manifestations of defensive reactions in race-related conversations within the white-bodied population. With understanding we can shift our language to carry more safety signals and invite others (and ourselves) to venture into a terrain that was previously too uncertain and fragile to intentionally step into.
There are two main protective techniques that have surfaced in my research, which can be categorized as aversion or avoidance and dismissal or denial (Knowles et al., 2014; Menaken, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Norton & Sommers, 2011). Within these categories there are multiple ways these strategies can surface, including a mix of both. If you feel open or curious to do so, take a few moments with the energy of these defensive experiences.
Aversion or Avoidance
What arises for you as you consider what that protective strategy feels like or could look like? Could you perhaps close your eyes for a few moments, breathe mindfully, and ask yourself, what does aversion or avoidance feel like and look like in my body? Try it out.
When I sit with aversion and avoidance, I feel the energy of looking away. I feel a tightening in my body, a pulling up and away from, or a turning my back towards what I am trying not to look at, trying to not let in to my field of vision. I feel a bit like my body is saying it doesn’t have room or capacity to take anything else in, or such discomfort with uncertainty that my body tightens up as if to not allow anything else to enter.
How about Dismissal or Denial?
What do you notice with the energy of these words? How are they similar and/or different from aversion and avoidance? Perhaps you could again close your eyes, breathe slowly, rhythmically, calmly, as you sit with how dismissal and denial shows up in your body?
For me, I feel my head want to shake ‘no’ as I pull away, like a shaking off of something that has reached out to me. Or a pushing away as I reach out and disconnect from whatever has touched me. There’s a similar sense of not having the space or capacity to take something on, or in, yet a bit more intensity or tightening as I am rejecting what seems to want to enter into my psyche or field.
It is important to validate and welcome these impulsive protective reactions, because their intent is protection and they are operating on an old or outdated program that needs loving guidance to release what’s stuck and curate a new way (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). This warm welcoming towards our protective mechanisms begins to elevate safety signals. When we can be curious and welcoming to what we are experiencing internally, we create an environment where energy can continue moving and learning, and conscious choice becomes available. When we resist, vilify, or ignore what we are experiencing, we contribute to danger signals, the energy gets stuck and grows louder, and we remain in a nervous system state that requires protective mechanisms to continue driving our bus (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
What brought me into a place of feeling unable to fully ground myself for a few days this week was the recognition of my protective strategy in race-related conversations, which until recently I had been blind to. On Thursday afternoon I attended an inspiring webinar with special guest Sulyn Bodnaresko. Bodnaresko (2024) presented her doctoral thesis which was the summation of three years of research with Indigenous populations on the topic of how to resist settler colonialism. Her research has not been published yet, so I am mindful to not share too much. However, one of the eight steps she outlined on this quest of resisting settler colonialism was the importance of recognizing if and when we have a move towards comfort or claiming innocence as a protective mechanism. I recognized this immediately as a form of aversion and dismissal, and something that my system deploys as protection. I have been aware of this impulsive reaction within me for a while, but would become blended with it quickly (which makes it difficult to observe it, connect with it, and support it to release what is keeping it stuck) and have felt shame and embarrassment around this part. Yet I also feel grateful to now have the words and understanding to be able to describe what I am feeling and remain with it long enough to continue learning about it, and support it to release and update how it shows up in my system.
This is a part of me that is so strong that it tends to lead me towards dissociation and shutdown. When I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by the content I am reading or conversing about, this part of me creates some distance by conjuring a state of innocence and a push towards retreating and hiding in comfort. I have come to realize that this is the injured baby bird feeling that believes it is too fragile to continue on or to handle what is here now. I recognize it is an outdated belief, but I still feel it intensely and it still has the power to take over my system, which then leads to a polarization as other parts within me are ashamed and embarrassed that I would retreat into comfort and shelter myself in my perceived innocence.
Now, let’s be clear. I am not saying that I should always be doing more, and I am certainly not trying to label self-care, rest and relaxation as a negative or as if I (or others) are not worthy or deserving of such important aspects of well-being and longevity. In fact, as I felt myself in a tizzy this week I absolutely curated more space for rest, breath, and meditation, and I was mindful to be very compassionate and patient with myself as I observed myself move towards shut down and retreat into the cocoon of my own comfortable existence. Allowing that is what elevates safety signals and guides me back into regulation more efficiently. Seeing this pattern and holding space for it is what will change it. No force or self-flagellation needed. I can trust that my system will continue to re-organize towards further levels of complexity and inclusion, I just need to do the work of seeing myself more clearly and curate practices that move me towards a critical mass of safety so the intelligence within me can do its work as well.
Feeling this injured baby bird energy within me got me thinking about white fragility in general. I visualized how many white-bodied people are born into this modern world with a blindfold that blocks the reality of race-related oppression and white supremacy culture. Meanwhile, those most negatively impacted by systemic racism and colonialism are not blindfolded to this reality, or rather, they do not have the privilege of being blindfolded in this way. I think the fragility white-bodied people experience comes from this unveiling of what we have been blind to, which exposes our senses to something that we have never spent time developing the ability to process and this creates extreme sensitivity and defensive mechanisms to make it stop. A mix of shock, grief, shame, desire to fix, and immense confusion regarding what to do all makes sense as this reality becomes more clear and we begin (hopefully) the long journey of re-organizing what we had previously thought to be true.
I often remind myself that without the proper resources and support, my system wisely refuses what could otherwise be really important for it to take in and integrate. We need to feel the space available for new information, we need to feel safe to be vulnerable, to feel discomfort, and open ourselves to a new way of being. Sustainable change does not happen with force, it needs to be collaborative and welcoming. These wise defensive mechanisms work together in creative ways to skirt around the discomfort and protect the underlying wound and the pain of which has not been resourced well enough (yet) to be guided into healing and integration (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Menakem, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
If you feel open to another experiment, what happens inside of you when you read the words ‘white privilege’? Can you sit with that for a few moments, invite the concept into your mind and body, perhaps close your eyes and be mindful to continue breathing in a rhythm that supports presence and grounding.
What’s your reaction to this? Perhaps you recall charged times in the past that you have engaged in this topic of conversation? Perhaps you have a strong stance on this and feel passionate about your experience and perspective? Perhaps you feel some layers; maybe discomfort, some anger, some distraction, some confusion, some shame? Perhaps you notice some of the ‘look away’ energy of aversion or avoidance? Is there push or shake it off energy of dismissal or denial? Perhaps a claim of innocence and a desire to retreat to comfort? Or does the concept flow in with acceptance and curiosity? Maybe it gets stuck or tangled somewhere due to its complex nature? Perhaps distraction or dissociation begins to take over?
Before we move on, if you have the ability to do so, bring your attention to your feet. If they are touching the ground, notice that and maybe push down for a moment and then release.
Feel your breath, slow, low belly and low ribs expand on the inhale, and everything relaxes on the exhale. Maybe a hum or a sigh on your next exhale.
You could also take a moment to look around your space, or close your eyes and imagine a scene that feels nurturing and welcoming, looking for details like shapes, colors, shadows.
Feel your breath and allow your attention to expand with your inhale, and relax with your exhale. Perhaps you can invite in some compassion, patience, curiosity or any other quality that you sense would be supportive for you right now.
If you feel you have reached your capacity for this conversation today, then choose compassion and honor the wisdom of your body and step away whole-heartedly. Come back when you feel your energy reserves have elevated and you are ready to continue on. Otherwise, let’s explore white privilege a little more.
There are some common misconceptions about white privilege within the white-bodied community. They are common because we have been blind to them, and they are reinforced by the way our culture keeps us in an activated state, which keeps us prone to feel defensive and unable to take in new or complex ideas. This conversation, and topics of racism, colonialism, and white supremacy culture in general, requires a lot of patience, space to pause and regulate, and patience as we hold space for ourselves and others at different points on this journey of deconstructing, understanding and re-organizing. Here are a few things to consider:
White privilege does not mean white-bodied people inherently have an easier life or that they didn’t have to work hard (and continue to work hard) for the life they have. As Emmanuel Acho (2021) poignantly explains, acknowledging white privilege is simply “saying your skin color hasn’t contributed to the difficulty in your life” (p. 33). Understanding the impacts of any ism, as a person who is not categorized within that particular ism, requires stepping out of one’s own experience to listen, learn and imagine what it might feel like to be in a body that is objectified as that ism.
This is such an important part of the conversation of white privilege. When white privilege comes up, many white folks express feeling unseen or invalidated in their own struggles (Miller & Josephs, 2009). When our nervous system is activated in defense, our thinking and perspective naturally narrows, and this makes it hard to see outside our own experience. It keeps us in a dualistic way of thinking, a form of separation. When we talk about the pain and systemic disadvantage imposed on racialized folks, that does not mean that anyone else’s pain is seen as less painful or less meaningful. There is space for all of our pain. What is being asked of us is to allow others to be centered occasionally in the cultural lexicon so we can hold space for those who are not receiving an equitable amount of consideration and understanding. In order for these conversations to amplify all-ship and deconstruct colonialism, it is vital that these conversations are framed so as to not threaten one’s concept of deservedness, and this requires we do not equate the reality of white privilege with personal merit (Knowles et al., 2014). Again, the wise words of Emmanuel Acho (2021):
“What I’m saying is that a white person’s skin color isn’t the thing contributing to holding them back, and that for all black people, their skin color contributes to what’s hard about their lives no matter what other privileges they might enjoy” (p. 37).
Knowing this is one thing, creating and holding a safe space for these conversations and welcoming the momentary defensive triggers as they naturally deploy is a skill that we need to practice. As I have mentioned previously, when I feel the defensive stance of “power over” in someone else or instability in my own system, my impulsive reaction is to also engage in “power over”. This is a difficult habit to change, and one that requires consistent presence and practice, as I feel that reaction and choose to pause, breathe, turn towards what feels upset in my system, and remind myself I have a choice here that can lead to deeper connection and understanding.
We need to cultivate the ability to feel our own difficult feelings, as well as allow others the space for their difficult feelings to arise, and remain present to feel and be with these parts of us floundering in discomfort rather than avoid them or seek quick resolution by projecting onto others (Knowles et al., 2014; Menakem, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
We covered a lot this week. Pause, breathe and feel what is arising for you. What if you allowed it, welcomed it, and breathed with it for a few moments? Notice what happens.
References
Acho, E. (2021). Uncomfortable conversations with a black man. Flatiron Books.
Barrett, L. F. (2020). Seven and a half lessons about the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Bodnaresko, S. (March, 2024). Reciprocal citizenship: How one settler is learning to give thanks for the gift of living on these lands. The Newcomer Knowledge Hub
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