Above is the recorded version of the blog post below, which includes a couple of guided experiences that are not included in the write-up. Enjoy.
A good place for us to start is to create a clear understanding of the context of this project and some insight into why we start here with the spiral.
This project began with inspiration from the work of Resmaa Menakem (2021) who opened my mind to the possibility that racism and the legacy of colonialism resides in the bodymind like a virus. Rather than pointing outwards to solve these systemic issues, I wanted to explore and experiment with what it looks like to turn inwards and begin the deconstruction of colonization from the inside out.
As we move through this presentation together, and I share about my experience doing this work, let’s be in the practice of noticing our reactions or impulse to defend, blame, or point our finger outwards, and instead, remind ourselves to turn that finger back in and spiral inwards to be with what is arising, as the first step (not only step!) needs to be taking responsibility for the change we desire from the inside out.
Symbols
In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Renee Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).
Throughout this journey I had a few potent symbols arise for me that became both intriguing features for reflection and exploration, as well as anchors at times that I felt lost or destabilized. As a practice of bridging Indigenous methodologies with Western academia, I have chosen to outline this presentation as a story told through symbols. I will share parts of my process as I approached my own psyche to begin deconstructing colonial consciousness by re-centering my heart, and how that led me to discern the significance between of discerning between "power over" and "right use of power".
Land Acknowledgement
As a heterosexual, able-bodied, neurodivergent, cisgender female, and fourth generation Canadian with English and Irish heritage, I am aware that I am a settler on this land I call home in Calgary Alberta, and, in many ways I have unjustly benefited from the devastation and harm of colonization. While I am in the process of deconstructing colonial consciousness within myself, I have come to see colonial history as causing a legacy of separation from the Earth, which is reflected as a separation from self. And from that heightened awareness I have a deeper reverence and understanding of the medicine that is the land beneath me, around me, and within me.
I am grateful to feel peace and connection on this traditional land of the Blackfoot confederacy, the Metis Nation Districts 5 and 6, and the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta. Which consists of Siksika, Kainai, Piikani, the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, including Chiniki, Bearspaw, and Goodstoney First Nation.
Take a moment to feel and reflect on the land you call home and the areas you feel connected with, or would like to foster a connection with.
Ouroboros
The snake eating its tail (also known as the Ouroboros (Geller, 2018) provides a bit more context for the beginning phase of my project.
To deconstruct colonial consciousness, one must be prepared for, and develop trust in, renewal or death and rebirth. A continual letting go of what was and a welcoming of what is here now.
Referring to the work of Micheal Naas, Drichel (2013) denotes that deconstruction is always referring to the self or autos, and as such, he goes on to say,
“deconstruction cannot but rekindle latent memories of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all cost” (p. 49).
Additionally, this symbol reminds me that we are multifaceted and multidimensional beings and we attract and reflect what is already within us. As we develop the skill of observing ourselves intently in the process of deconstructing, de-centering and re-centering, this symbol came to symbolize the importance of welcoming and holding space for the occasional vortex of confusion I would find myself in.
Lastly, this symbol also captures the ongoing process of colonization being something that is continually recreated, and until that cycle can be seen, understood and disrupted, it will continue.
Professional/Personal Orientation
It is vital that we practice shifting our perspective from the individual, or micro, to the collective of the mezzo and macro. Just as a wave is in motion, it rises and rests, in a continuous pulse like the breath.
Colonization ravaged the world as settlers arrived in spaces inhabited by Indigenous peoples, to then meticulously and violently separate them from their land, their spiritual rituals and traditions, and often pitted against each other as the fight for power, privilege and freedom served to divide and conquer (Menakem, 2021). The legacy of supremacy lives within us and is sustained through our systems, our language (Ghosthorse, 2021), and our continued indoctrination of separation and othering in white supremacy culture (Okun, 2023). From the lens of my personal and professional orientation, I recognize the need to balance micro and macro as “social problems require complex and sustained intervention at all levels of social work practice” (Rothman & Mizrahi, 2014, p. 91).
Expressing the sentiment of Paulo Friere in The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Audre Lorde (1984) emphasizes that,
“the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships” (p. 6).
Resmaa Menakem (2021) expands on this by stating that individual work is vital as healing from intergenerational and present day acts of violence and domination must begin with your body. He continues,
“But it does not end there. In order to heal the collective body that is America, we also need social activism that is body centered. We cannot individualize our way out of white-body supremacy. Nor can we merely strategize our way out. We need collective action — action that heals.”
Researcher and Educator, Kimberly Todd (2019) writes,
“Decolonizing needs to begin first internally in the mind, the body and the spirit and then move outward to transform existing colonial structures” (p. 164).
Activist and Buddhist Minister Lama Rod Owens (2023) writes,
“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (p. 55).
Case Description
As for my own individual liberation, one of the parts of my psyche I was curious to explore and get to know more in this project appeared to me as a “black hole.” Coinciding with the black hole was an intense internal flail, as if a part of me was free-falling in that black hole, which would leave me in a place of feeling overwhelmed and ungrounded.
My theory was that this “black hole” and the "inner flailer" (as I had come to call her) was the legacy of the wound Drichel (2013) refers to as “a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself" p. 40.
Drichel (2013) continues to describe how the recurrence of this violent separation is "being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all costs.” (p. 49)
I could sense this lingering vulnerability, and this immense sense of separation, but I was not clear on how the anxious defense was showing up in my system - other than the strong impulse to be distracted when I tried to move inwards to be with this constellation of parts on my own.
During Week 7 of practicum I had the support I needed for this inner journey with a craniosacral session and conscious breathwork session. My main intention was to explore “power over” versus “right use of power”.
I detailed these experiences in depth in my week 7 blog, so here I will simply point out some highlights and what has become more clear in my integration process.
The infinity loop surfaced early in my first experience on that fruitful day of receiving support. I saw it as a continuity between present and past. Rather than time being linear, I felt and saw how updates in presence can reframe and influence the past, and when we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present.
As I welcomed and held space for the black hole, it shapeshifted into a fluid, sticky-web or tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped with “power over” energy as a protective mechanism, by this black goo. I realized that when I felt the similar energy of separation, I would quickly sense that flail and the "power over" energy trying to contain and protect me from feeling this, and I would then react by wielding power over as a reflection of what is happening internally.
As I felt awe and understanding of this reactive loop, I sat curiously with this protective webby-tar with the question of what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect me from feeling this flail or wound of separation, and I sensed it shapeshift again into an intelligent matrix of interconnection.
In my breathwork session I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet was drawn to the energy of "power over" in such acts. To me this represents moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” tactics to fix, to heal, to save lives, to rescue, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence.
Through exploration of the space where disconnection happens, I landed on key qualities and reminders to practice leading from the heart rather than implementing “power over” or reacting to “power over” with “power over.”
- patience and choice
- See “power over” as stuck energy
- trust in the intelligence that is here, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.
- Lastly, I named this as a healing space
Upon further reflection and inner work, I have come to realize that this little one who flails was holding a core belief that she is alone and it is not safe to trust anyone. The paradox that struck me and led to an important shift was the recognition that the intelligent shapeshifting matrix of interconnection is the exact medicine or antidote to this belief of separation, loneliness and lack of trust.
When this intelligent goo was restraining this flailer with "power-over" energy rather than supporting her as interconnection, my system was continually re-creating the original wound, perpetually returning to what was stuck in the past.
Drichel (2013) surmised that,
"...in attempting to protect itself, the organism infects itself over and over again with the memory of the outside force that threatened and continues to threaten it in order to incorporate that threat into the organism, to bring it to conscious recollection in order that it may no longer threaten. This repetitive seeing therefore acts as an immunization, attempting to provide resistance and defence against any repeat attack" (p. 50).
The problem is, when this defense against the defense is not resolved, the threat we seek to inoculate is on the inside and we have built up so much protection that we now become ill from the inside out; akin to an autoimmune disease (Drichel, 2013).
As I continue to practice re-centering my heart and de-centering power-over, the flail quiets and dissipates as this little one is nourished and supported rather than restrained.
Social Work Action
What has become more clear to me throughout this process is reflected in the words of Audre Lorde (1984) who says, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” One of the master’s tools is “power over” and I am confident that my experience has helped me understand the danger and harm of utilizing “power over” in the name of helping. Lakota scholar and teacher Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) details the importance of perceiving the English language as one of domination, possession, separation and containment, and, he says, we cannot liberate ourselves or wake ourselves up with the same language that put us asleep or boxed us in. Ghosthorse (2021) also makes reference to Einstein's infamous quote that similarly cautions, “we can’t solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” This has brought me to a place of being mindful and attentive to the words I choose, and the importance of re-centering my heart as I de-centralize “power over”.
Tiokasin (2021) shares a lesson he learned from his mother, that the thinking mind, which thinks it is THE Intelligence, is actually a seed of the heart. In Lakota, this means we think from our heart, and our brain’s are a tool of the heart. Our intellectualism comes from the thinking mind, but our intelligence is from the heart. While much of the English language is continuously distancing us from this intelligence, it is our work to slow down, be mindful of the energy within the words we choose to use, and come back to leading from our heart (Ghosthorse, 2021).
Final Reflection/Readiness for Practice
As I integrate my learnings and experience from this project, I am more clear in my direction and desire to align with a social work model of practice that is both transformative (Braidotti, 2019) and eclectic with interdisciplinary relational accountability and equity as core features (Hanrahan, 2011). This must include a critical framework that encourages the ongoing deconstruction of ‘power-over’ (internally and externally) by way of tangible practices that are focused on re-centering the heart. As a transformational social worker, I must embody a holistic approach and align with ontologies of relationality and interconnectedness (Besthorn, 2003) and collaborate and co-conspire with other visionary and creative practitioners (Baldwin & Dylan, 2018).
Additionally, I feel called to heed the suggestion of Resmaa Menakem (2021) and create safe space for white-bodied people to come together to build a culture around reckoning with generations of trauma that has led to the perpetuation of internalized and systemic racism, as well as building capacity and antifragility around racialized topics of conversation. These will not be spaces of exclusion, and all are welcome to be a part of this journey and experience.
System’s change requires individual work in dismantling implicit bias and updating mental models, participation in healthy relationships and seeing/questioning power dynamics, and a broader scope and experience to deconstruct and reconstruct (from the heart) our policies, practices and resources (Kania et al, 2018).
May we remember to recognize the interconnection between intrapersonal and interpersonal, and come to see that how we interact with ourselves and the world around us has the potential to change the entire Universe (Wilson, 2019).
References
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Geller, P. (2018, September 30). Ouroboros - description, uses and Interpretations. Mythology.net. https://mythology.net/others/concepts/ouroboros/
Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/
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Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College.
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