I have had some major awakenings and unraveling’s in the past few months. This summer has been a time of facing my deepest wounds and finally having the tools and space to process and reintegrate some things that have been too scary to meet in the past. The major thorn or wound that I have been peeling away the layers of has been around body image and self-worth. A complex unraveling as I have witnessed my attachments and stories rise to the surface each time I have been face to face with a very real accusation or opportunity to rewrite my thought process around how my body looks and what that means for my self-worth. I have realized that any attachment to self-worth in the realm of the ideal shape of my body is setting myself up for a very bumpy ride. One moment my stomach may be flat and I feel great and empowered, and the next it swells up and then I am face to face with this pull towards hiding and not standing as tall in my power. WTF? This has happened enough now that I can see the dysfunction. I can see the exhausting roller coaster I have been riding for most of my life, and I finally have been able to call bull shit on it.
Even when/if others make hurtful comments about the shape of my body, or any woman’s body, I can now see that that comes from their own dysfunction, wounds, and naivety from social conditioning and life experience. And my reactions to what others say (or to what I say), is showing me my own stories, assumptions, and wounds. I can see how others’ remarks and beliefs rule their life and causes suffering for them, and I do not have to take their opinions as fact or truth. I can see my shape for what it is, and choose to love every inch regardless of its current state.
My body is magic. Even when it swells, or hurts, it is pure magic and I want to bow down and honor this vehicle every single day. I still have goals that include my physical body, and I would love to have rippling abs and feel and be stronger, but I know that I will not be a happier or a more deserving person because of the shape of my body. I am more than this physical body. I am a mind, an energy, a force, a guide, and am constantly in flux. I am happy and deserving now. Working to be my best always, and loving the journey more than the ideal destination. Even the “destination” is not fixed or static, it will also flow and change and continue moving.
As I step more fully into this realization, I feel a deep sense of calm and a “home frequency” that feels supportive and inclusive. It fires me up with inspiration and motivation to share and encourage others to stay the course of their personal development work, because the bounty that continues to flow in makes life so enjoyable - even when it’s a struggle.
Disassociation from the inner-critic and the selfish push and pull of the ego does not happen through ego contemplation. I experienced the sneakiness and slippery nature of the ego when I tried to cognitively joust with it’s impulses and over-rule it with mindset and re-direction. The ego will always win if you are just trying to out-think it. Instead you must go through the back door; an embodied mindfulness, with compassionate connection, slowly increasing your resiliency to stay with what is uncomfortable and ride the wave towards wisdom and insight. It’s the simplest and most profound experience I have had yet along this yogic journey.
So I leave you with this: each interaction you have with yourself and with others is a seed you plant. And which seeds you choose to actively nourish will become your superpower. Take some time to get real with how you are spending your time, with who are you conversing with, what topics and inquiries are you engaging in, and what do you truly want?? What you do daily matters more than what you do once and a while. Take yourself seriously by actively creating the support system that will catapult you in the direction you desire. There is a way to healing and overcoming and strengthening and radical pleasure in your day to day life.
Just keep in mind, there’s going to be some resistance and struggle as you re-direct your energy from the well-worn path of your current habits and states, just as there are inconveniences, more traffic, detours, noise, and a lot of work during road construction. The new intersection or roadway being built is simply a small struggle compared to the convenience and beauty of the heartfelt upgrade. It’s time to level up.
Reach out if you would like support in your journey. I would be honored to guide you through the embodied mindfulness experience.