To follow along with weekly letters sent to your inbox, follow this link to subscribe for free. Below is the letter I wrote, posted on October 7, 2026 in substack.
Dear Brittany,
Your words land like medicine in my system. I love seeing you. I love these sweet moments when I get to witness you seeing yourself, and your growing capacity to stay and be with what’s arising - in all its complexity. I love hearing you declare “I do effing care, damnit!” and allow what whispers or screams from the shadow to also have a voice: “What if they saw that I cared? What if I saw that I cared? I don’t want to care!”
If you feel open to it, perhaps you could pause with me to be curious about this. A couple of slow and soft breaths to just feel and notice your body and what arises. If they saw that you cared, and you saw that you cared…What would you have to feel?
Just pause here for a moment or two.
I am imagining you, freshly washed onto shore after a tumbling slumber, and disheartened as what you awake to is a lonely beach with trash scattered. I want to sit next to you. I approach slowly so you can feel me and check me out. I actually know you trust me, but I also don’t want to take that trust for granted, or assume all parts of you trust me. So I move at the pace of trust. I am breathing slowly and deeply, relaxed. I am not trying to fix anything or make anything change, instead, just meeting you here and offering my hand to hold or my arm to wrap around you. And you might have a different impulse that I would be honored and welcoming to hear and meet. Let’s just be here together for a little while.
I know you care. That’s clear. Me too. I wonder if we could give more space to the part of you that says “I don’t want to care!” Not because it is more right, or more real, but because it also exists, deserves to be heard, understood, and loved. And sometimes it feels scary. That’s so true too.
I have a similar shadow within me. She says: “I don’t want to feel!” I have come to realize that the “I don’t want to feel!” and “I don’t want to care!” parts or energy within us also house immense energy, vitality and power. They appear to be the gateway to our felt sense of freedom, peace and self-responsibility within a larger community. What also has been true in my experience is the wisdom in the phrase “it gets worse before it gets better.” When we open our arms to what is often relegated to the shadow - in its vulnerability, pain, and protection - we open ourselves to move through the feelings and emotions that have been “stuck”. Often there are feelings within that have been unconsciously (and in many cases consciously) labeled as unbearable and unwelcome. What also feels true though is that in avoiding these feelings in the many creative ways our internal systems do that, it doesn’t end up feeling any better - just different pain and struggle. When there are patterns within us that are resisting, avoiding, bracing, numbing, and/or enacting compulsive behaviours to get away from feeling, moving deeper into the pain for some experiences to move through it and no longer be “plagued” or controlled by it has always proved worth it to me.
In other words, what we avoid or perceive as not welcome within us becomes compressed energy, as more and more energy is utilized to keep it “at bay”. And, in doing so, it becomes the strongest force in your system. Like compressed gas in an enclosed container, the power this creates is immense and potentially catastrophic. Maybe you know this experience in your body too. What do you notice when you feel or turn towards the part of you that says “I don’t want to care!”? How powerful does it feel?
Just a few days ago I experienced this. It started subtle. My body felt stiff, tension in my jaw, some distress in my heart was building. I could feel the impulse to do anything that would help me get away from this feeling. Actions flew through my mind as I imagined myself smoking weed, going for a run, eating something, watching tv, having sex, distract, do, be somewhere else, get away from whatever this feeling creeping up is, etc. Anything that would give me a jolt of pleasure and an avenue to escape. This felt familiar. Not my first time noticing this or being with it or following where it takes me. And, every time I do, it feels like accessing a deeper layer. As you know about me Brittany, I have been exploring and learning how to feel and be present with the various parts of me for many years. So I opened and allowed and witnessed what was happening. I began by energizing the resistance and speaking out loud….
“I don’t want to feel! I don’t want to be in my body. I would rather feel anything other than this. I want to control how I feel.”
As I said this out loud, I began to smile. It felt so true. And so I proceeded with observing and feeling how badly I don’t want to feel.
I went outside to lay on the earth with some hope that I could move my body and release some of this tension and resistance. Instead, I sat on a yoga mat with a stiff body and found myself deep in thought and distraction. Every time I noticed how much thinking I was doing, I would take a few breaths and see if I could soften a little bit to feel what’s here - just below the thinking. My body would start to tremor and shake as this survival energy of protection rippled through me, showing me how desperate it was to hold back feeling. After a few moments of tremoring my thinking would take over and I would be back up in my mind for several minutes. Often working some things out cognitively and accessing ideas of what could feel helpful or supportive while in this state, and, insights aside, it also felt like a strategy to stop feeling. I thought of people in my life I could reach out to. I thought about the various ways people respond when there is a cry for help, and I realized I needed support from someone who could let me be exactly as I am without adding worry or assumptions that I wasn’t okay, or offering advice. Because another truth is that I am (and was) deeply and profoundly okay, and I was accessing a part of me, a vessel of energy inside of me that carries the story that “I am not okay, I need help, and no one knows how to help me!”
And so I sent a message to a friend who I knew would understand and could handle this. I told her I felt I needed to be scooped up and I was imagining she was there with me. I also told her I didn’t need anything from her other than simply wanting her to know. I then noticed some insecurity creep in. A familiar pause that feels like opening one eye a little bit to make sure the person I am with is okay. A deep and young energy in me that became hyper-fixated on ensuring others were okay around me because my sense of safety and okay-ness was so dependent on others.
Truth be told, these insights and layers of being with what was arising and patiently following the waves and rhythms continued over the next couple of days. On the third day, with three cherished friends holding space for me and the support of a therapeutic medicine in ceremony, I went on this journey inwards again, more ready, more capable, and so held in safety by these beautiful, wise women.
In that ceremony I was able to move inwards and finally be with this little protector in a way I had never before. Caressing her/my jaw and neck, where I feel her most when she is activated. She has worked so hard for so long, and she wants to be helpful and caring, and she can relax into my arms now. I am reminding her that it’s not her job to fix or problem solve for others, that our okay-ness is not contingent on others okay-ness and that we can still want others to be okay and do our very best to be of service. We just need to stay present with what’s here and be willing to feel. Sometimes it feels easy, and when it feels hard, notice and feel and be with what feels hard. We will find our way by staying in presence.
I began to cry big, juicy tears of sadness and heartache. I was accessing the deeper pain that was being protected. Loneliness, pain in separation, powerlessness. And, it already felt different because of the way I was being with it while feeling safely held by my dear and trusted friends. It felt like a homecoming, an expansion of my capacity, more of me awakening to Self trust and knowing I have others in my life I truly trust. And then I felt the tremors coming back in. This time it felt like releasing the protective energy that was no longer needed. Shaking, sounds, surges that contorted and lifted me right up off my back, as energy rippled through my body, and I surrendered to the wisdom that this body knows how to let go. And it felt good. I met this moment with sentiments of “thank you”, “thank you for your service”, “we don’t need to work so hard anymore”, and “we just need to be willing to feel”.
Back to you Brittany. Maybe what appears as garbage on this beach is something else in disguise. Maybe this is what happens when we perceive parts of ourselves, and certain feelings or emotions, as unwelcome or unbearable because when we were young we didn’t have someone who could meet us in these places. Maybe once we wake up we are faced with a cleanup. Maybe each item on this beach carries a treasure, a piece of your authentic soul and being that is waiting for a homecoming. And, I could be wrong, and I certainly don’t need to be right. It could just be a metaphorical beach that has another meaning and purpose for you. I don’t know what will be true for you. And I am curious to be here with you in that not-knowing. Maybe we can not know and find out together. Remember, that’s what the root of the word diagnosis actually means: two who don’t know.
What I do know is that we don’t need to figure anything out right now, and we don’t need to pick up this debris all at once, in fact, never all at once. Maybe we stay here a little while, sitting and breathing, and get curious about the part that says “I don’t want to care!” because I have a feeling that we are going to need that part’s help, insight, and energy. I am so curious to learn more about it.
On another similar but different note, and perhaps something that would feel interesting and supportive to explore together, what comes up for you when you sit with these questions:
What’s the point? Why pause to feel?
Why is this something worth practicing, learning or incorporating into our lives?
What can feeling do that thinking can’t do better? Or is that even the right question to ask?
What if it’s scary, I get lost, or find something I truly can’t handle?
What if it feels like infinite darkness, grief, pain, despair, injustice, rage, or any other cocktail that digs in its claws, snarls and bites?
How or where do I even begin???
Maybe there are parts of you that resonate with those questions. Or maybe you have other questions arising that feel more attuned to what you need or want here. I am really curious to hear what you and your parts might want to explore.
Sending this with so much love Brittany. I’m imagining you reading this and the various moments that spark feelings and ideas. What if you met it all with curiosity - including the parts of you that might not be as curious as others?
I look forward to hearing what moves through you.
xox
Marin