There are many different therapeutic, ontological and spiritual models or paradigms that use “parts” as a way to understand the multiplicity within one’s own inner world. I am primarily informed by my experience with Internal Family Systems, created by Richard Schwartz, Somatic Internal Family Systems, created by Susan McConnell, and Inner Relational Focusing, created by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin.
Richard Schwartz has acknowledged the historical intelligence of multiplicity when he said:
“...it is becoming increasingly clear that the idea of the mind as unitary is a relatively recent invention of ‘civilized’ society. Indigenous cultures throughout the world were familiar and comfortable not only with a spirit world, but also with an inner realm inhabited by many different voices and characters. It may be that the idea of the normal mind as multiple is less a radical departure from established knowledge than it is returning to an age-old wisdom from which ‘established knowledge’ radically departed” (Schwartz, 2001, p. 85).
What these approaches have in common is they provide an inherent foundational condition of relationality. To say we have “parts” is to say that there is space between aspects of who we are, and when there is space between there is space for a relationship. As we sit with the idea that we have a multitude of “parts” that make up the whole of our being, a curiosity illuminates: who’s in charge in here? Or, perhaps a question with a little more direction: what’s possible if I were to have a heart-led leader for my many parts?
I ascribe to the belief that we heal in relationship, that healing is relational, and the quality of our relational stance moment to moment is dictating the quality of our experience. One of the many reasons I have found so much profound growth and support in looking through the lens of multiplicity and parts is that it continually directs me towards the relation-shapes I am living within, and the true power I embody when I expand beyond a solo or mono-self and begin to notice ‘there is what is here’ and then ‘there is how I am being with it’. There is so much outside my control, but the more I land in the seat of ‘how am I being with this?"‘, the more grounded and deeply steady I feel (even in the unsteadiness).
A simple way to step into this paradigm is to recognize that you might already use language that aligns with its basic premise. Perhaps you have had the experience of noticing a part of you wants one thing and another part of you wants something else. Or, a part of you feels excited or motivated for a particular action or event while another part of you feels nervous or worried about what could go wrong. Perhaps you have noticed that certain feelings or emotions are welcome and easy to feel, while others are touched or approached and your whole system gets taken over and you find yourself reacting or engaging in behaviors that feel like losing control.
Richard Schwartz is known for saying that no part of you is bad or inherently malicious, even if that’s how they appear or feel in your system. Some parts are experienced as supportive and delightful, with an ease and flow of an open heart. While other parts may have been completely disowned and fractured off in your system, leaving other parts to take on the role of guards and enforcers.
Some parts may be carrying limiting beliefs about the self, others and the world, and have adapted extreme roles that were formed in an attempt to stay connected, safe or attached in some way. Imagine being young and the moments in time when we felt hurt, pain, sad, confused, enraged, depressed or really vulnerable in one way or another, and how we were met in those moments shaped our conclusions of who we needed to be in order to belong.
For many of us, the shape-shifting we go through to secure some sense of attachment, safety and belonging requires that we abandon parts of who we are as we receive subtle or explicit cues regarding what parts of us are welcome. This is the root of what becomes exiled in our system. The memory of the moment or series of moments when we fractured from the wholeness of our internal system as a way to manage, adapt, and get by in an imperfect environment that we don’t yet have a broader vantage point or systemic understanding of when we are young. With this immense emotional material undigested and separated off in the system, other parts in our system emerge as fierce protectors. Some protectors show up to hide the vulnerability we sense and feel or to hide that vulnerability or pain from the person or experience that was causing it. Or these protectors arise to help us avoid and hide from ourselves because the possibility that this unbearable limiting belief is true would feel annihilating. Protectors generate an opposing force that could serve as armor, distraction, avoidance, or defensiveness, ultimately, trying to prove worth, value, or okay-ness while feeling the shakiness from already believing we are not okay, valued or worthy. It feels like being tangled as our system is organized around “not wanting” something to happen, while the echo of that “not wanting” reverberates through our system and keeps other parts on guard, all the while driven by an unconscious fear of what will happen if we are “exposed.”
As time passes, and we survived what happened, our system has taken shape as habitual strategies, familiar thought patterns and beliefs have helped us navigate through life and make sense of non-sense. Without the reunion and re-integration of what was fractured from our awareness for our survival and safety “back then”, our system will re-enact the old patterns and continually stack more and more protectors to help keep that originating pain and emotional turmoil at bay. Some protectors take on emergency responder roles, as the panic, discomfort, and emotional flames of the exile occasionally burst through, our emergency responders react with strength and immediacy, taking us out of the pain through compulsive behaviors, addictive impulses, dissociation, eruption of other emotions, or withdrawing and collapsing.
Eventually, for many of us, we may find ourselves in a distressing pattern. Protectors become more hyper-vigilant and on guard, bracing and preparing for what could happen. Reactive defensiveness and pushing away before we come close to our vulnerability or pain. Pretending and performing as the mask we wear creates a sense of safety and control. And the inevitable feeling of losing control as our emergency responders eventually step in because we are exhausted, depleted, and the flames of our exiles radiates fear throughout our system. Or, for many of us, there may be a more general experience of not feeling, experiencing life without much access to the felt sense of being embodied, and living within the confines of thinking because feeling was never taught, modelled or experienced as safe or helpful.
The problem is, many of us have attached to a belief that it is not safe to feel certain things, and as we inevitably feel or get close to feeling these sensations and emotions, the reaction to protect, defend and get away snaps like an elastic band.
So what do we do about this?
First, let’s pause to acknowledge that we are not alone in this. This is an opportunity to learn or re-learn how to feel, and to do it in a way that leads to more stability, more depth, and more connection.
If we are shaped by how we are met, and we adapt to the shapes that are shaping us, can we shift our focus to the current relation-shapes that are here? Can we slow down long enough to notice the impulse to “do something” and to “fix”, and get to know the emotional landscape beneath that impulse? And if we heal in relationship, and the quality of our relational stance dictates the quality of our experience, can you get curious about what qualities might feel more supportive, spacious and allowing? If you were to listen, truly listen, to the part(s) of you that are calling out for attention, what qualities of leadership are they needing from you?
If you feel bad about a part of you, or dislike a part of you, that is another part judging and analyzing. And so we validate those parts and those feelings too. It makes sense to be frustrated, bothered, even annoyed with the antics of our parts. The quality of our attention matters, and so we invite those parts to soften back and give us some space to be with what is here with an open heart. Can we keep stepping back, expanding out, and be the space where these parts are seen and welcomed and guided?
We have an opportunity to liberate ourselves from the shackles and shapes of the past (our personal history and the history of those who came before us and shaped the world we were born into). Open up to what is here and learn how to offer corrective experiences that will re-shape how we show up in relationships with ourselves, others and the world. Corrective experiences are fostered by truly listening, welcoming and opening ourselves to the parts within that are here (because that is what was lacking when they got stuck in the first place). We get to know their needs and what nourishment was lacking back when the part got “stuck”, and we use our presence, patience and imagination to truly listen, feel, validate feelings, offer understanding when it’s accessed, and maybe even offer an imaginal blanket, a hand to hold, a magical room where they can express or act out in any way they want, or a soundproof room to help quiet the noise or stimulation around them. And maybe, as the safety and security of the relationship is truly felt, we can even help our parts release what they have been holding onto.
This is why I love the work that I get to do everyday. I am positively impacted in my own relationships with my self, parts, and loved ones, and I get to model and share this with others so they can experience this internal liberation and awakening of their heart-led leadership.
I am reminded of another beautiful string of words from Lama Rod Owens who said:
“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective”
(Owens, 2023, p. 55).
Together, with love, with deep and sustainable self-love, we can create a better future. We liberate the collective by embodying liberation from the inside out.
References
Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model. Center for Self Leadership, P.C.
Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True.