I am a big fan of understanding and teaching about rupture and repair. I am often met with a look of astonishment and words of relief when I share with people (especially parents with young children), that a healthy relationship will have around 33% of the time spent in rupture, 33% in active repair, and 33% in a felt-sense of harmony.
Now, relief is initially expressed because this shifts our perception in the meaning or weight we give to ruptures. And suddenly the experience of apologizing, a long embrace, or the insightful conversation shared after a triggering event is seen as the essential counter-part to these human events of disconnection. But then the work begins, because learning how to remain present in ruptures and lean in for a satisfying repair requires some skill, technique, and often some personal exploration and development.
So many of us avoid ruptures with others by pretending or bypassing something that feels important, or we have big reactions and intense worry when ruptures happen (as if they aren’t supposed to happen!), or we stumble in the repair and try to speed through it. If, instead, we allow ruptures, welcome them, and take some time to feel and be with the pain or discomfort the rupture provokes, we have information and insight to share when we lean in for the repair (assuming the repair is something you want).
Like any skill or habit, repair gets easier the more we practice. And, it’s always rife with discomfort. The stakes can feel pretty high, and there may be parts of you (or in the other) that would prefer to just skip the repair and hope that with time the whole rupture can be something left in the past. That might work, sometimes, but more often than not, a rupture without a proper repair will continue to resurface in obvious and surprising ways. It’s a bit like a wound that never heals. Maybe there are a few bandages patched on and eventually you do your best to not move that area of your body so it doesn’t get aggravated. Eventually, it will get touched and like an old tape on repeat, out comes the unprocessed and unmet wounding that is still needing attention.
I have two avenues I want to take from here. One, I’d love to offer some structure that may be helpful in leaning into a repair with someone in your life. And at the end of this post, I have an acronym that you can write out and test out next time you find yourself in that sticky and uncomfortable place of rupture with someone you love or like.
The second avenue I want to walk down is what happens when a rupture with someone is there but it’s also a signal of a disconnection within yourself. So a repair is needed, but perhaps the first repair to approach is the one needed within. I would like to share a little story to highlight how this became apparent for me.
Story Time
Last week I was feeling disconnected from my partner. A familiar feeling that I tap into occasionally, and how I approached it also felt familiar. I was laying on the couch, looking at him staring at his phone and the tv on as well, and I felt distance between us. I also didn’t like that he had two screens in front of him and how that felt like a barrier between him and I. I wasn’t being noticed as I was feeling that disconnection between us. I wanted him to notice me, to see me, to feel that we were disconnected without needing to tell him.
But I did anyway, I expressed sadly, “I feel disconnected from you.” He responded with surprise, and expressed that he feels sad that I would say that, and that he never feels disconnected from me. I then began to tell him that I wanted his attention, and I didn’t like how much the tv is on or that he is on his phone so much. I said, I want us to talk more, to share more, to ask each other questions. He responded with a smirk that he thinks we talk a lot. I then turned off the tv, and if memory serves I am also pretty sure I smacked his phone out of his hand. I said I would like a few minutes to just be together.
He rolled his eyes and expressed a sound like he was being dragged into something he wants nothing to do with. I told him how hard it is for me to hear that, or to feel like me asking for some attention is torture for him. He laughed and smiled, and turned towards me, and said, “okay, what do you want to talk about?” I said something along the lines of, “I want to know how you are feeling, and tell me about your day, and ask me questions too.” Again he rolled his eyes and made that sound that signals deep discomfort and annoyance. He stayed with this for a few minutes, and I was not pleased with how it all felt. It felt forced, contrived, not satisfying. I was asking for something that I was not going to receive, that perhaps was not accessible in this way. I gave up on trying to make it happen and relieved him of my demands. And then, I turned inwards. What’s really going on here? What is here and what happens if I just allow it rather than try to fix it, or try to make someone else fix it?
I breathed as I noticed what sadness and loneliness felt like in that moment. And I allowed it, I welcomed it in the way that only I can. I am the only one that is always available for me, and that is beautiful and okay. I also recognized that I was quite tired, and had been feeling bothered for a few days as I had been noticing we were both flopping on the couch at the end of the night without deliberate space to connect. I had been feeling a bit stressed for a few days as well, more so than usual, and without taking the time I know I need to turn inwards and be with me. My plea for connection had been expressed quite abruptly, and I had more compassion flow in for my partner. And, I reminded myself that it’s okay to just feel what's here now.
The next day, after a good sleep, I sat in meditation and was feeling more and more a deep sense of connection within myself. I felt whole, content, deeply okay. Being with the part of me that felt so alone had shifted my internal state and I no longer felt alone at all. It occurred to me: when I feel that disconnection from my partner, it’s a signal that I am disconnected from myself. This is not to say that my felt sense of disconnection with him was wrong or inaccurate, but the desperation and the intense need for his attention was from my disconnection to Self. When I feel connected to myself I am able to lean in with curiosity, I am present, creative and I listen and allow rather than force or demand.
This has made it more clear for me that first and foremost it is the connection with myself that I need to turn to and cultivate, and then when I reach out or express the desire to connect with others, it is coming from a grounded place rather than being muddled in desperation. That internal repair is what allows me to lean into a repair with others, and the efficiency and satisfaction of those repairs are awe-inspiring.
A bit more context might be helpful here as I acknowledge that this is my story, my experience, and what I learned from it, and by no means does it represent truth for anyone else. However, perhaps my truth, my experience, can glean some insight or elicit some pause and a mirror to look inside your experience a little more. Additionally, the more we take responsibility to heal ourselves and regenerate a nervous system that allows for the rhythm of rupture and repair, the more we are equipped to work together and change the external systems that are perpetuating harm.
ACRONYM to practice
Let’s finish with a tangible practice for when you notice a relational rupture in your internal environment and/or with someone in your interpersonal realm. Walk through these steps to get more information, to soothe your nervous system, and to access some insights or clear boundaries to explore when you lean if for repair. These steps are rooted in parts work, and if you are not familiar with parts, I suggest you check out this video for a bit of foundational knowledge to continue.
R - Recognize the Rupture (notice the felt-sense before jumping into problem solving or fixing)
“Am I blended with a part?”
“What part of me is activated right now?”
U - Unblend by understanding your reactive parts
Perhaps you could say, “a part of me is mad, sad and/or shutting down” (or whatever else you are noticing and feeling). Ask this part of you if it could separate from you a little bit, to give you some space so you can be with it more fully. When you witness it and are with it, it has more space to express and be seen in the way it deserves.
Ask the part, “What are you trying to protect me from? Why is it so important for you to grab my attention in this way? What do you fear would happen if you didn’t step in like this?”
P - Presence is enough
Listening and feeling what is being revealed in the present moment is what this part needs from you. A soft and non-judgmental stance towards the part. You’re not asking it to change, you are just creating space for it to be exactly as it is, and it’s in that spacious non-judgemental relationship that the part will soften or reveal information regarding what it needs you to consider.
“What does this part want me to know?”
“What is its positive intention?”
Imagine a younger version of you, perhaps a time in your youth when you were feeling some big feelings and needed someone to sit with you, to not try to fix it for you, and to express that you are loved and accepted as you are. Embody that as you tend to this part within you. Perhaps you could say something like: “I am here with you. You are not alone. Is it okay if I just sit here with you and breathe slowly and fully? Take your time, no rush, let’s feel through this together.”
T - Tell the truth of the part’s experience
Feel into the deeper emotional truth beneath the protection/reaction
“Maybe there is something that you are not wanting me to feel?” or “Is there a younger part here holding pain or longing?”
Pen to paper (or out loud if you are ready to re-engage and begin the repair with another): “This part of me felt….when….” “It carries a belief that…..”
U - Understand the impact on the other
This is the key to repair with another, and it’s actually much simpler than we often make it out to be. What if the other person’s reaction is also coming from a protective place? See the other person through the lens of their own parts, their protective strategies that started a long time ago, and the burdens or limiting beliefs in their system. Make space for the other’s parts to express about their experiences. Just listen without defending or trying to fix it for them. Listen with curiosity as you hear what part’s in them were triggered and why. Open to an empathetic receiving of their experience without it being “more than” or in competition with your experience.
R - Reconnect
From this more grounded and insightful state of being, after sharing and listening has occurred, and some mutual understanding has been reached, offer a heart-felt apology for your part in the rupture and perhaps make explicit a shared intention moving forward.
“What do we both need to feel safe and seen?”
“What might help us feel close again?”
If space and time is still needed, honor that with an open heart. Repairs cannot be forced, they happen as both systems are ready and willing.
E - Embody the integration
Let the repair settle. Notice how your parts feel now. Offer appreciation for the courage it took to move toward the discomfort and lean in for a repair.
“What does it feel like in my body now?”
“What do my parts need to complete this process for now or to feel more secure moving forward?”
Have fun my friends! xo