How to guide from Wound to Wisdom
We all have trauma responses frozen in our body and psyche. The moments in our upbringing (and in our generational lineage) that were too much, too fast, too soon and we didn’t have the space, resources or support to process it fully or to repair what had ruptured with our whole selves present. Our body is so wise in these moments. It fragments our psyche, it numbs and dissociates from emotion and sensation, and it makes a resolution to never again be in a position of powerlessness to feel this hurt again. What a gift.
As we get older, it’s our duty to ourselves, our lineage, and humanity at large, to bring light to these shadows, to turn towards what has been separated and exiled, and to update our internal system so that we can respond with our full awareness and foster the present and future we desire rather than replaying and reacting the wounds of our past.
Easier said than done, I know. As this is something I have been practicing for some time, I know that this is a process of unravelling and updating. I playfully hear the tune and words of the Britney Spears song, “Oops I did it again” when I observe myself reacting in ways that are familiar and automated. It takes practice, compassion and patience to meet these reactions with gentleness and see the gifts of wisdom that are being presented. I hope that in sharing my latest spiral into my trauma response and how I garnered wisdom from it, will inspire you, and maybe even offer guidance, to see yourself with more space and compassion as well.
What I have been practicing…
My high level daily practice is to notice the sensations - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually - of contraction and congestion so that I can turn towards them with spaciousness and openness. This is not to belittle or stop the contractions from happening, quite the contrary. I am in awe of these contractions and I know they are in service of my survival. I also know too much of anything is no longer a good thing, and a moment of contraction that becomes hours, days, weeks, etc., is the catalyst for dis-ease on every level of my being. And more often than not, these moments of contraction that derail me from flow and presence are also the signposts of being triggered in a trauma response.
What was I noticing…
I have been noticing these past few weeks a lack of spaciousness in the way I am showing up in engagements. A bit of rush to get things done so I can retreat back to being on my own and in that space I feel myself collapse into it rather than flow with it. In some conversations I feel myself slightly disengaged, that same sense of a part of me watching the clock and counting the minutes until I can leave, and an overall sense of lacking curiosity. Rather than asking questions to hear more or to truly get to know someone, I am keeping at surface level and feeling congestion as if there is not space for me to take in someone else’s energy fully. Sure I can push down these parts that creating rush and a desire to disconnect, and I can put the hat on of a curious person and an engaged conversationalist, yet this is exhausting to keep up. There are few things in life that feel as nourishing and pleasurable than the authentic and genuine engagement and curiosity that comes from an inner system that is in resonance.
I have also felt and noticed that in the past few weeks I had suddenly created a lot of new beginnings with relationships, projects and plans. What started as a few new projects and some excitement, quickly turned into a drive for “more” as I reached out to more people for connection or support, and spun the few projects I had on my plate into another offering. A part of me wants to be able to sustain a “full schedule” and prove my worth and skill. A part of me feels proud of what I offer and my power in supporting others, and wants to do more. These intentions are beautiful and come from a good place. And I know from past experience, and from this current experience, that being led by these parts takes me into further contraction, anxiety and shutdown. This is a pattern I am very familiar with.
Where’s the trauma response in this…
The initial surge of action and commitments in my schedule touched a part of me that fears getting overwhelmed and overloaded. My automated protection mechanism that fires up when I feel the fear of overwhelm leads me to deny and avoid what I am feeling and take control by doing more. The gift in this is that what starts as a denial and pushing away of the overwhelm quickly leads to an undeniable feeling and situation of too much, at which point, I have no choice but to cancel, bail, and clear space to settle and restore.
What to do with this pattern…
With awareness comes great power. When I find myself vacating my body, craving space to collapse into, and living in the meandering and ruminating of the mind, I have pushed myself too hard and I have overridden signals that have been whispering and nudging for me to create space to slow down and listen.
When I find myself feeling more contraction and congestion that increases rather than subsides, I know I am getting wrapped up and taken over by a trauma response. Reaction is the past. Response is presence and future. In reactive moments we can get to know our trauma landscape and learn about ourselves as we uncover our shadows.
Reactivity is a trigger that leads to a disconnection from what’s happening and an automation takes over (either hyperarousal of activation/anxiety and/or hypoarousal of dissociation/shutdown) from our unintegrated past before we can fully experiencing what is. Responsiveness is the ability to feel the experience with space and awareness, patiently and willingly feeling what’s moving until the surge softens, and then choose relationality while remaining in the window of presence.
This is literally the practice…pause and feel the sensations of your reactive state and all of the ideas of action, retaliation, problem solving, the familiar stories and rumination, and soothe yourself into a state of calm connection. Only take action or speak out loud after that first step. This is how we stop the replaying of patterns and reactive loops in our physical world and relationships, and, instead, respond from your heart and the wisdom that’s been unearthed to co-create the present and future we desire for ourselves and others.
What is my real life learning and application from this latest insight…
I had launched my four part online Breath Literacy program from this state of a trauma response. It was beginning to feel contracted and heavy, and I realized I had created and promoted before being in any kind of co-creation with those who might be interested in such an offering. I had to sit with my reactive impulse to cancel it and feel into what was actually going on and the gem of wisdom that was waiting to be uncovered.
I don’t want to create and promote programs to individuals or to offer what hasn’t been asked for. I want to deliver and facilitate to groups and individuals who have asked for support and have played a role in creating what they desire. The initial surge of excitement for this project came from another project that is grounded in my core values of co-creation, community and compassion, and I realize now that this new program came from a desire for more and a denial of what I was feeling, rather than sinking in and being with what is here now.
So, now what?
The online Breath Literacy program is being removed from my calendar as a forced project that requires effort and energy to promote and gain attention, and is back in the “shop” for some shape-shifting. It is wonderful content that is full of important, inspiring and pleasurable information and practices. It just needs time to be conversed, co-created and transformed into an offering that lands in the hearts of others who are seeking this as much as I desire birthing it. For now, if you are interested in learning more about breath literacy and how befriending your nervous system gifts you insights to garner wounds to wisdom, send me a message. Perhaps I’ll curate a list of those who are interested and we can co-create a program in the near future that serves your curiosity and desire.
With love, and a more spacious mind and heart, bye for now.
xox
Marin