Notice what happens for you as you read these words…
“Not Knowing is Most Intimate”
Read it again, slowly. Pause and feel your internal reactions.
When I first heard these words I felt their power and the brain-jumbling effect of something not quite computing. The dance between ‘not knowing’ and ‘knowing’ has shown up for me in multiple ways over the past several years. I refer to it as a dance now, but my relationship with uncertainty for many years was more like a battle, or a flailing desperation and grasping, or outright avoidance. This is what plagued me for a long time before I even realized that’s what I was struggling with. I have a young part within me that has a strong reaction to not knowing, and at times has come in with intensity and the narrative “I must know or I will get in trouble!” While the weaving of ‘not knowing’ with the experience of intimacy is not something I had ever intentionally considered until a year ago, I realized this speaks to what I have been noticing and practicing, and is an essential aspect of what we need to cultivate in order to understand what Self-leadership truly is.
Something to explore is the possibility that the Higher Self is an archetype that represents the Universal experience of kind attention, a loving with-ness, or an expansive nurturance that we can feel and direct towards whatever else is present. As an archetype, the divine nature of the Higher Self denotes a relational energy that is large enough to hold our deepest suffering. Yet, it’s also something that cannot be contained or fully understood with words or concepts, it needs to be witnessed in others so we can mirror it, feel it and experience it first hand.
As we get to know parts within, and our own experience of Higher Self, there can be a tendency to use labels and descriptions to conceptualize what it is we feel, see and desire. Of course, nothing wrong with that. In regard to parts, we might use their behavior or how they initially appear as a way to name them. For example, “my angry part” or "the part that fears disappointment" or “my saboteur”. While this is not wrong, it’s also not the whole truth, and we must remember this is one step in the journey, not where we end. We can fall into a predicament where we have categorized a part as its protective mechanism rather than recognizing that is one aspect of them within the complexity of their makeup. These descriptors can be useful, but we also want to emphasize that the direct felt experience of being with a part in Self-energy requires an open heart, curiosity and a flavor of relational quality and attention that curates a safe and loving internal environment. If we continue referring to a part as “the one who sabotages” (for example), that harsh and rigid critique of that part is feeding into the relationship, and it is in the relationship that healing happens.
A similar predicament arises when we try to categorize what Higher Self is, because it can’t be captured in a single role, title, or description. It has qualities that are ineffable, indestructible, invisible, and imminent as reflected in the Taoist phrase; Tao called Tao is not Tao. There must be the inclusion of mystery and uncertainty and not knowing if we are going to have an intimate experience of what Self or Spirit truly is. In the Indigenous Lakota language, they refer to “Wacan” as the pure energy of life and the continual choice to consciously apply mystery to everything. To know this we must make space for not knowing.
While the Higher Self within us is distinct from parts, it also can be felt and expressed by or through parts, and we can sense it as both a quality we are embodying as well as a field of energy we access and rest in. Our left-brain oriented parts often want to grasp, define, and control as there is a level of safety that is associated with such things. Whenever we try to capture the Self in words or concepts, we reduce it to something partial. But when we are accessing Self or Self-energy, we venture into the right-brain territory of a broader perspective, space for uncertainty, and a welcoming of the ineffable.
Attention from Self is not just a noticing, not a neutral observer, but a relational offering as a loving with-ness. This points toward the possibility that the stance of awareness, or the quality of attention, is what begins healing. And so I end here with a prompt, a reminder, an invitation…allow and accept what is here, and focus on how you are being with it. How you feel about what you feel is what dictates the quality of your experience. Lean into the archetype of the Higher Self and ask yourself, how would Self respond or be with what’s here?
Here are some ideas….
Curious - I am interested in what you are doing and who you are, and want to learn more about you
Compassion - I feel you, you are not alone, I care about you
Calm - I don’t need you to be okay, I am okay being with you as you are. You’re welcome to breathe with me, or hold my hand.
Connected - I am here with you
Centered - I am not going anywhere. I am here when you are ready.
Courage - I am not like the other adults. I want to feel and see you as you are. I can be in the depths of hell with you and I am not afraid.
Clarity - I see all possibilities and am here to listen, learn and guide.
Confidence - I hold knowing and not knowing loosely and openly. Let’s step into the pain and/or the unknown together.
Not knowing is most intimate. How do those words land now?