I completed my graduate program over a month ago and am intrigued by what I am noticing in my internal system as I recover from that intense experience. I had an expectation that after a few days of rest I could flow with my excitement into this next stage of my life and career. Instead, I find myself moving through waves of exhaustion and rather than “flowing through” the transition, it feels like another new beginning and a sticky and disorienting sinking in to the liminal space (aka the space between or the transitory space). I have departed from the meaningful exploration of student and parts of me are keenly reaching for the experience of landing both feet in a stable or clear direction, and that is not where I am.
I am also aware that how I perceive and frame what I feeling and moving through has a huge impact on the experience. I am noticing exhaustion, physical pain and tension, anxiety, fast-thoughts flowing through what’s next and how to make it happen, and then paralysis as I question the timing of my pursuits and ideas.
With a client a couple of days ago, in a similar transition stage that requires patience and rest, he used the phrase “disintegration is progress.” We have talked about this in various ways, the development of the caterpillar into the butterfly, and that important stage of disintegration in the chrysalis. From a zoomed in perspective that disintegration could be misunderstood and resisted, maybe even avoided at all costs, yet from the broader perspective and understanding of cycles and growth, that disintegration is something to be honored and relished in.
As I feel physical pain…..there is nothing to fix. Instead, how might I honor and listen to this pain as a messenger. If the pain could speak, what might it express it needs or wants emotionally or relationally? What have I been holding onto that is ready to be shifted, released and re-birthed?
As I feel the disquiet of the part of me that is driven for more and is initially pegged as insatiable…..how might I lean in with appreciation and gratitude for the gift in push and pull as a longing for the soul of my future self not quite birthed into being? Be with the hunger and explore more ways to nourish.
As I feel the exhaustion in my body….how might I wrap my loving arms around this and continually ask what it needs without expectation that it knows exactly how to respond to that question? Where do I feel held, supported and cocooned?
As I feel the part of me that desires solitude….how might I meet it with love and acceptance, and listen and learn about the depth of connection it yearns for in each moment? What if I trust and lean in with my whole heart to the part that wants me to be insular? What does it whisper, and what does my heart whisper back?
When my internal state is not aligned with what I expected, what I want, or what I generally enjoy, the resistance and judgement colors a narrative that shifts me towards suffering. This shifts me towards “what’s wrong with me?” and “how do I fix this?”. Yet, when I slow down to recognize this narrative and the power in my words and perspective, I can shift into a place of honoring, listening, revering, learning, and lovingly relating with compassion and nurturance. This is non-pathologizing, re-parenting, tending and befriending. And it requires a deliberate step away from the cultural narratives and expectations that are deeply woven into many parts within us.
Resting in necessary (and also a privilege).
Disintegration is progress (and also discombobulating).
Integration requires space for reflection, stillness and exploration (and pulses of action).
Trust that there is intelligence in your body that is beyond any external intervention, and we access it with love, breath, nature, play, connection, rest….and imagination. When we slow down and listen, we get the insights we need regarding what quality is necessary for the current space we are in.
For me, my imaginal realm birthed a lush forest and waterfall encapsulated in a magical womb-like space for my parts to rest in and be nourished by. Go inside of you and see what healing space and wisdom is there to be discovered.