Step 2: Review and Reflect
The purpose of this project is to reflect, integrate and present a coherent story that encapsulates my journey. It is important that I slow down and gather the pieces that I deem to be essential and lay them out to see what story or throughline wants to emerge.
I often remind myself of Daniel Siegel’s (2017) work on integration as I settle into this stage of a project. He illuminates integration as a process that leads to optimal self-organization. It requires differentiating key elements, pieces, and parts which are unique and have their own integrity, as well as recognizing the linkages between these elements that make up the whole - without blending them - as the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts (Siegel, 2017). As an analogy, Siegel (2017) suggests we think of integration as a fruit salad rather than a smoothie. When this differentiation and linkage takes place as part of our ongoing practice we develop a way of being that is flexible, adaptive, coherent, energetic and stable (Siegel, 2017).
As an emerging social worker with a keen eye on the micro and macro levels and systems of existence, embodying these qualities of integration is important. They allow for agility and resilience as I pursue a career and way of being that is aligned with the CASW code of ethics, which stipulates that I:
Respect the Dignity and Worth of All People
Promote Social Justice
Pursue Truth and Reconciliation
Value Human Relationships
Preserve Integrity in Professional Practice
Maintain Privacy and Confidentiality
Provide Competent Professional Services
Part of what this education has taught me is that we need to be honest about where we have been and where we are now in order for us to cultivate a future we desire. As I pull apart the pieces I want to focus on for this project and mindfully piece them back together, I do so with the intent to glean more wisdom and embody the insights and lessons learned more fully.
So, what are the pieces I want to include?
Symbols:
In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Renee Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says, “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).
I come back to this quote often. I love encapsulating my learnings as stories and with symbols, and to expand my attention to listen and feel into the space and experiences that teach in non-linear and subtle ways. This reminds me of the freedom I have to embrace the messiness, to try out ideas and approaches and perspectives as I allow what I am learning to take shape. I leaned on this teaching several times throughout this program, beginning with my first practicum and the self-directed project I created. The title of that first practicum project evolved as I was creating it and finished as…
Re-Centering the Heart to Deconstruct Colonial Consciousness: An Autoethnography (several blog posts featured this first practicum, starting with this one).
There are some experiences that I shared through that practicum that I will be picking up and weaving into this final project as well.
Parts:
A consistent feeling I notice and have developed space to be curious about is a sense of feeling rushed, to do more, compete, and prove my worth. In my first practicum I proceeded with a hypothesis that this part of me is carrying colonial or white supremacy culture toxins as it often exerts itself with a tendency to inflict “power over”. It’s an aggressive energy within me and one that has caused other parts of me to feel shame, guilt, confusion and exhaustion. I have come to recognize this shows up primarily in the “beginning” phase of a project or relationship, or when I am dysregulated and sense dysregulation in others this part of me takes over with a “I can fix this!” attitude. This is misaligned with how I actually want to show up, relate, and hold space.
Polarizations:
My inquiry regarding parts of me has also led to an important theme and skillset required to be with polarizations. A polarization is akin to two parts of you trying to keep a boat from capsizing by leaning hard in opposite directions rather than working together. This leads to extreme behavior as one-part leans harder into their direction and the other reacts to counterbalance.
For me, the one who says, “I can fix this!” has a bit of a “know it all” energy that can be aggressively directive and needs control. It comes from a pure place, as this part developed these attributes to help me feel more safe when around chaos and a belief that I needed to know how to settle others so that I could feel settled too. As I continued to get to know this part, I have learned this is the same part that used to be a bully when I was quite young, and as I grew and learned about holistic health, it became a logical, linear director (or dictator) that desired to help everyone around me as that is what made me feel more safe.
In retrospect I have realized that after my first practicum I had pushed this part aside, somewhat exiling this aspect of me out of frustration and shame as I did not want to inflict “power over” anyone. I equate this part to an unhealthy/imbalanced masculine energy within me.
It has been polarized with another young part of me that becomes very anxiously escalated by this directive energy, as she expresses with alarm: “I don’t know how!” while trying desperately to grasp onto structure and logic, fearful of “getting in trouble” and being seen as stupid. She is a young version of my wild and magical feminine, and she has been trying to operate in ways that are outside her innate gifts. The upgrading and integrating of these two parts has become a primary focus for me and will be featured and elaborated on as this project unfolds.
Black-Hole:
In my first practicum I also experienced and shared in depth about an inner flailer that was connected to a visual and sense of what appeared to be a black hole inside of me. My hypothesis at the time was that this black hole and feeling of flailing was connected to a pre-verbal fear of death/unknown and the violence of colonialism intergenerationally that echoes in my DNA today. I sought guidance to be with this, as it was quite overwhelming for me to move towards on my own, and my experience was transformative. The deep fear of the unknown that is the black hole shapeshifted into an intelligence that I came into relationship with and I continue to feel an expansion of this deep inner stability and connection (detailed in this blog post).
This remains important to me as I have heard many clients share about their own “black hole” or flashes of immense darkness that leave them feeling terrified. My experience of becoming relational with what previously terrified and overwhelmed me has expanded my curiosity and ability to be with and hold space for others if/when they are ready to come face to face with that experience for themselves.
As within-in so with-out:
I am also curious to see how to include a mirrored expression that not only details the journey I have been on but also how that informs me regarding the template of my one-on-one sessions with clients, and the inclusion of macro level systems thinking. I have felt a bit of a full circle experience as I came into this program with knowledge and affinity for somatics and breathwork and intentionally focused on developing new skills as I continually “try on” other models of practice. I find myself feeling reassured with clarity and confidence as the foundation I came into this program with has expanded due to social work’s education on systems and the technical and clinical components of therapy. I am excited to substantiate these learnings with this opportunity to focus on integration.
Hero’s Journey:
One of the symbols featured in my first practicum was the spiral, and I continue to glean wisdom and support from that in many ways. Continuing with the spiral, I see that as informing how I have come to experience the hero’s journey. The template of the hero’s journey is what I used in my book published in 2017 and I am enjoying what feels like another full circle moment as I find myself landing on that template again, yet with a broader perspective and naturally a few more years of experience.
Preview of a piece to be included in final painting:
To symbolize this in a visual I see the first round of the spiral. A beginning point representing who and where I was at the start of this journey, and a big circle that takes me away from what I knew and was comfortable with. A hero’s journey as I am coming back home with more skills and perspectives that will lead to a leveling up and a simultaneous expanding of capacity to go deeper. This is not a continuous circle that brings me back to exactly where I was before. This is a 3D multidimensional spiral that is moving upwards and inwards.
While I play the role of a mentor for my client’s as they embark on their hero’s journey, I do so with the informed approach of Regulation Theory, Internal Family Systems, Somatics, Critical Theory, and the Indigenous wisdom teaching of relationality (*will add hyperlinks to these).
Another aspect to be represented in the painting:
In short, regulation theory posits that a therapeutic practitioner models and mirrors secure attachment and healthy relationality to support the re-wiring of foundational aspects of identity and relationality in their participant’s psyche. As practitioner, adding in the hero’s journey framework, I venture alongside them as they leave their status quo and step over the threshold into the unknown. I hold space and offer tools and techniques as they come up against the parts of them that are stuck in extreme roles. These parts need to be heard, validated, seen, and appreciated for their gifts and strength so they can release what’s stuck and allow their innate intelligence to guide their evolution.
Another “mirrored” aspect of this project is my belief and lived experience that learning how to inhabit the relational space internally creates a template and understanding for how to cultivate healthy relationships externally. As a social worker who strives to not only support individuals but also create change at the macro level of society and culture, my goal for internal and external is harmony and collaboration. As within, so without.
The forest through the trees:
As I got further into reviewing and reflecting for the project, I started to notice more and more of a left-brain mode of processing-oriented way of being (*will add hyperlink). This felt like getting lost in the weeds; some confusion as I was zoomed in on details and “losing the plot” while grasping with a desire to make sense of this all quickly. A narrow perspective, trying to “figure it out”, and seeking meaning. This is a familiar feeling or state of being, and I notice it and can observe it now when it happens. It feels like overwhelm as I fixate on details, almost like trying to put together a giant puzzle while stuck in a zoomed-in perspective that is not conducive to seeing the bigger picture.
This is when it is important for me to remind myself to step back, soften my grip on the puzzle pieces, and expand my perspective to see the forest through the trees. This practice and ability to notice when I have been “zoomed in” for too long and need to relax and take in the bigger picture by “zooming out” has been a game changer for me. This relates to Regulation Theory and the skill of right-brain mode of processing, and Siegel’s (2023) Three Pillar Training (*will add hyperlink) that has been foundational in my personal well-being in the past several months as well.
Nondualism:
Schore & Schore (2014) write about this process of zooming out and relaxing into right-brain mode of processing as a form of “surrender”. Surrender is not a concept that makes sense or is accessible to everyone, yet. And, it is a powerful practice to work towards. Some other concepts that may be more accessible: let go, step back, relinquish the illusion of control, connect with a higher power, open to your body's innate intelligence, shift from portrait mode to taking in a sunset. When this notion of surrender remains in relationship with its opposite (i.e. effort or zoomed-in) it takes on a whole different quality than when it’s understood as standing alone. I am reminded of the wisdom in yogic philosophy that describes effort and surrender as two wings of the same bird. This is a nondualistic approach. Rather than choosing between “this” or “that”, nondualism teaches both/and. In the ancient language of sanskrit, nondualism is advaita, which translates as “not two” (Shila, 2022). Nondualism is at the core of many ancient wisdom and contemplative practices in regard to how we relieve suffering.
For many folks, the concept of surrender (or any of its synonyms) triggers a reaction, perhaps from fear of the unknown, frustration as it is interpreted through the left-brain and its desire for logic and linear-reasoning, or strong aversion as something internally is being protected and blocked with the illusion of control (and “surrender” threatens that control). Reclaiming a relationship with surrender in a way that feels safe-enough and accessible is vital. Understanding how to be with conflict and reduce harm is essential for increasing the sense of safety.
There is so much wisdom that awaits in this body when we can surrender to the present moment as it is. While vacating the body or blocking/avoiding sensations or experiences is a necessary and wise survival mechanism, when we remain in that blocked state or are unable to re-enter the somatic experience of the body after being ejected, we remain disconnected from a deep knowing that we all have access to.
Review and Summarize:
Lastly, as I reviewed my papers and projects from my classes in this program, I felt immense value in creating a bit of a summary to highlight what I have learned and what I have been curious about along the way. That feels like a good next step.
References
Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College.
Schore, J. R., & Schore, A. N. (2014). Regulation theory and affect regulation psychotherapy: A clinical primer. Smith College Studies in Social Work, 84(2–3), 178–195.
Shila. (2022, March 10). Advaita Vedanta explained - philosophy of non-dualism. VedicFeed. https://vedicfeed.com/advaita-vedanta/
Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2023). Intraconnected: Mwe (me + we) as the integration of self, identity, and belonging. W. W. Norton & Company.